Source
r/tall•
Romcommon

My friend and I got into a massive disagreement about my preference for tall men... now I feel weird.

Family/Friends

For context my (female) friend is a 4’11 woman with a 6’2 boyfriend. I’ve been single for awhile and am mentioning to all my friends that I’m single, and also that I have a preference for certain things, one of them being tall man (and ideally a bit bigger - I like a bit of chonk). The reason is that I’m a feminine 5’8 woman, and nothing makes me feel quite as protected, feminine and turned on than a big tall guy.

When I mentioned this to my particular friend she basically said that I was shallow and compared my preference for height to being racist. It was really hurtful. I know it’s because her male family members are short and have difficulty dating. She herself has been discriminated against and harassed because of her height. I get it - at the same time her partner is 6’2 and I’ve heard her say she’s not that attracted to very short men. We’ve had multiple conversations/arguments about it, things are better between us, but still.

Now I have this complex that my preference is both unrealistic and limiting, that there is something wrong with me or that I’m an asshole for having this preference. At the same time... I am finding it hard to meet men 6”2 or taller (which is my preference... honestly 6”5 or 6”6 would be my ideal), even in Canada (it’s Montreal though). So at the same time I feel like I may be unnecessarily limiting my dating options, even though if I’m being honest nothing turns me on more than a tall brick of a man.

Am I the asshole? Coming here and reading that a lot of tall men want to date tall women makes me feel better... but I still am left with this feeling like I’m an asshole. I want to shake this feeling. But I’m wondering if maybe there’s something wrong with me or if I have some deep rooted insecurity that makes me want to date taller men. I honestly just think it’s because I grew up around tall men and am tall.

TLDR: my short friend got really mad at me for having a preference for taller men (as I’m 5’8). Can’t shake the feeling that I’m a) an asshole and b) limiting myself in dating options.

Posted Jun 10, 2019, 3:30 AM UTC

625
mhsx6'7" | 200 cm•

Go for what turns you on!

11
dloex•

She doesn’t understand because she’s small and has always felt small compared to everyone else.

I’m also 5’8 and am also attracted to tall, bigger guys. My boyfriend is 6’4 and a big dude. He makes me feel small and safe and protected because he’s bigger than me and that’s a turn on. You’re allowed to have physical preferences and don’t owe her any explanations. It’s the same thing as preferring blondes to brunettes.

And you’re calling it a preference for a reason. You’re not opposed to dating average height men, but you’re generally more attracted to tall men and that’s ok.

10
RomcommonOP5'8" | 173 cm•

Thank you, I feel like I need to hear that other people feel this way and it’s normal for some reason... our fight about this was 6 months ago and it’s still been bothering me. Mainly because her reaction was so intense that I thought this was something a lot of people think (that having a height preference makes you an asshole) but that no one was willing to say to my face.

3
orangebot6'6" | 198 cm•

Comparing height preference to racism is pretty disgusting in my opinion.

8
Almostdonegrowing6'7” | 200.7•

If I were single and actively looking for a “tall girl” you probably would be too short for my preference. Not a lot of guys have the preference anyway though.

5
RomcommonOP5'8" | 173 cm•

Well I kind of get it honestly! Big height differences make certain things more difficult.

2
Almostdonegrowing6'7” | 200.7•

Well my wife is only 5’7” and she was 5’5” when we met, but I also was shorter then @ 6’2.5 or 6’3” we met at 19 and had less of a height difference then, but like I said I don’t have the preference because I’m not single, but 5’8” at my height near 6’7” would be too short. Recently at a party/get-together at my house this girl was talking about being 5’10” and I said no way because she didn’t look tall to me at all, well after that everyone wanted to get measured and she was 5’10” on the dot at night, but my wife being 5’7.5” on a good day didn’t look that much shorter than her, if I were single and dating tall I would want 6’0+ probably.

2
Mitochondriah184cm | 6'0"•

There is nothing wrong whatsoever with having a preference or a trait you find attractive, though it is certainly problematic if you hold a requirement. It is difficult for men to understand true femininity and the desire for a tall muscular handsome man, just as it is difficult for women to understand masculinity and their desires.

I will say that you may be a bit misinformed on the heights that you supposedly desire, this subreddit is basically a hub for tall freaks, so you get a surplus of guys here over 2 metres tall. realistically, you will very rarely come across anyone like that and if you do it is unlikely he will meet all your other requirements.

I personally always think couples with an extreme height difference look absurd, like a child and a father, so for that reason I would rather not want to be with someone with a difference greater than 5 inches. It is a theory of mine that the physical dysphoria is what contributes to the sexism in our society, but it is a biological reality that men and women will be attracted to those different in size to themselves.

In conclusion, do not think less of yourself for feeling this way, we are all creatures with an element of vanity, simply do not allow your vanity to be in excess.

4
ItchyTomato5•

Don’t overthink it. Gives hope to bigger taller guys like myself actually. But also keep looking! You’ll find your perfect man!

2
Aleyva8271•

6'5" here, for me ideal female height is 5'7-5'9. My gf is 5'0 lol

2
Human_696'2" | 189 cm•

Nah seriously if someone criticizes a woman for being attracted to a tall man they might as well criticize her for being attracted to a man with a handsome face, both are decided on birth and you have nothing you can do about it.

2
Orcus4246'5" | 195.58 cm•

When a friend reacts very weirdly to something you need to wonder if it's something else they are actually mad about. I could slightly understand if it's a short guy friend reacting like that but a female friend doesn't make sense.

2
[deleted]•

You're not an asshole or weird! Go out & date tall burly men!!

2
jojowasher6'3" | 191 cm•

you like what you like, nothing wrong with that

1
OfficialHavik•

Until of course you don't fit into the preference that she (and probably most) women have lol. Objectively speaking though, no, there's nothing wrong with it.

1
robikid•

🤷🏽‍♂️ Story of my life...

1
punani_ticklee•

Honestly you're not an asshole. Your friend just kinda seems super protective over that but you can't control what u like in a guy. I'm 5'8" and I absolutely agree with u about wanting a taller guy. If I were shorter then I would probaly be attracted to a guy who was slightly taller than me, but that's not the case. I hope this helps slightly?

1
FrameworkisDigimon•

The way I see it is that preferences can be seen as problematic when they're really more penalties or filters.

To illustrate the distinction in a somewhat absurd fashion... say all that matters to the singleton is height and assume the only three prospective partners in the world are John who's 198cm and Ted who is 175cm tall and Godfried who's 215cm tall. Then:

Penalty

John's attractiveness-adjusted-height (AAH) is 198cm, and Ted's AAH is 157.5cm. I also assume this particular singleton holds that partners can be "too tall" so Godfried's got an AAH of 196cm.

In other words, the singleton evaluates people compared to some measure and those who fall afoul of it get lowered down.

Filter

John's AAH is 1 and Ted's is 0. Because of the "too tall" thing we also give Godfried a 0 AAH.

In other words, Ted's precluded/filtered out but John's fine.

In this sense, preferences don't make anyone absolutely worse off but they could make someone relatively worse off. Penalties and filters do both. (All specific figures here are complete nonsense, which is fine because it's just about the idea. If attractiveness can be expressed numerically, height and height preferences wouldn't be the only inputs... and I doubt attractiveness can be expressed numerically.)

So if we accept this line of reasoning as worth listening to, the question becomes (for the OP), "Do I have preferences, penalties or filters?"

In theory all of these reduce the effective dating pool, but in a decreasing order of severity. I mean, think about it, "anyone will do" is the maximum effective pool size since it's the same as the pool itself, but that's just not realistic. Everyone limits the effective pool size somehow... the ethics of doing so cannot^1 therefore rest on the consequence, but instead the process.

^1 Well, they can, but it's stupid to hold inevitable consequences unethical if we make the assumption ethics should help people be better versions of themselves. How does holding only impossible things to be ethical help do that?

1
explosive_evacuation6'6" | 198 cm•

There's a big difference between being shallow and having a preference. IMO it primarily has to do with how you see people that don't fit that preference. If you're attracting to something, in your case tall men, you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed or apologetic for it as long as you're not putting down or ridiculing people that don't fit that category. You like what you like and no one has a right to tell you otherwise because there's nothing wrong with it, go for what makes you happy and anyone who tells you otherwise is the asshole, not you.

1
RomcommonOP5'8" | 173 cm•

I would never put someone down for something like height... and it really is a preference. One of my ex’s was closer to 6 feet tall. I once dated a woman who was 5”3’ (although part of the reason that ended was I didn’t feel feminine in the relationship, for a number of reasons). The burning fire of desire seems to be activated in me by men (and women, I’m bi) who are tall. But if I met my soulmate and they weren’t 6’5, height would not be the dealbreaker/a reason not to be with them.

2
explosive_evacuation6'6" | 198 cm•

Exactly, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. People can get really weird when their ego is at stake. It's hard to accept that someone you're attracted to doesn't share those feelings, I've been there a few times myself and it sucks, but part of being an adult is accepting that no one is obligated to be attracted to anyone else and to move on if it's not mutual. Insecurity is a funny thing, don't let it make you feel bad because some people can't accept your preferences.

​

Also why someone would want to be with someone who didn't find them attractive is beyond me. It's one of the reasons I find shaming people's preferences so strange.

1
Euclids_Anvil6'2" | 187 cm•

As a feminist, I strongly object to the notion that it is a man's role to be the protector, or that a woman needs any protection in the first place.

But let's be real, everyone has their preferences. Our society is shallow, and a very large portion of attraction is based on basically arbitrary characteristics. If you're into big & tall guys, that's totally fine! You shouldn't be shamed for your preferences, provided you're not fetishizing anyone - but you seem to do quite well on that aspect.

On the other hand, if your preferences are significantly limiting your dating options, it's a bit hypocritical to complain about not being able to find anyone matching them. Not every partner has to be absolutely perfect, and you might have more success if you're willing to compromise a bit.

To summarize: your friend is overreacting; you're probably limiting yourself but that's fine; you're not an asshole.

Is there something wrong with you and are there deeply rooted insecurities at play? That's beyond Reddit's pay scale. It might play a role, but you're probably completely average. Personally, I'd blame The Patriarchy, if anything.

1
RomcommonOP5'8" | 173 cm•

Ok, I can go with blaming the Patriarchy haha. I’m a feminist too, but a bad one.

But in terms of a partner I’m willing to compromise on a lot of things. I’m also willing to break a preference - it’s not a hard and fast rule. I also feel I can’t control what makes me insanely turned on either 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not about fetishization at all tho (imo). It doesn’t feel like taboo or excessive. It feels very primal actually.

1
VibingSailfish•

Nothing wrong with it all. As a tall guy I have a preference for taller women.

1
PhillyJ215•

Well fuck what these other dickheads are saying. I mean, it's the same as saying "I have a preference for white men over black men. Racist? I dont know, dont care... like who you want but dont bitch and complain about men body shaming women. Women seem to see short men as inferior, that's the problem with the preference. It's not that you just prefer tall men you stupidly equate height with strength or fighting ability and those two things are totally unrelated. Short men are still MEN with MALE STRENGTH and capable of protecting and what are you even looking for protection against? Are you expecting a serial killer to burglarize your home or something? Have your preference but dont condemn men for not wanting you because you're too fat, or tall, or your hair isn't long enough etc etc etc

1