A game
Every day a darker game
To find what makes you free
The light doesn't want to play
Its wave is a good bye to me
Posted Jul 1, 2019, 2:32 PM UTC
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When a poem is so small. Wording is even more critical because readers have so little to focus on. That said, I'd change "good bye' to goodbye, and the last line itself isn't that impactful to me. Left dissapointed, but maybe it doesn't need changed.
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I appreciate the critque.
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Excellent! Short and sweet, you managed to get a lot into this quatrain; you give enough information to feel satisfied that the poem is complete but because of its size it doesn’t reveal all of the information that a longer poem would convey, making it even more enticing. I do believe that the final line can be tightened up a bit to make it more impactful because even at eight words it almost seems to wordy; perhaps shortening it to “its wave a goodbye to me” may help it feel more definitive, as its currently written it almost seems as though there may hay have originally been one more line that was chopped.
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Thank you! I was thinking the same thing about that last line after I read it aloud. It does sound little clumsy right now.
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Hmmm I love those first two lines-- almost like a regretful realization of truth the speaker has found about life. I'm just confused as to what that last line means. Almost feels like it was stuck in there just because it it rhymes. I'd suggest switching up that lat line and giving it an even sharper twist.
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I'd like to explain the poem. It's my experience, but I'm sure people with any kind of long term mental illness might relate.
Being mentally Ill you sort of want to figure out how mentally healthy people think and what makes them function as they do or be free. As you age though, mental illness can get worse, making the idea of figuring out how to be normal more difficult. It can feel like the world is gradually darkening around you and light or normality, that which might help you figure it out, doesn't want to be with any part of you because of the increased time being isolated is making everything worse.
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i love this! the imagery of "wave" felt a little disconnected to me due to either the subject not being clarified in that particular line or the fact that "wave" is not a quality that is innate to light. maybe a word that is innate to light leaving, or more context on the subject and action for a full effect. great work :)
Thank you and I appreciate the critque. I'm not seeing the disconnection you're pointing out. I believe light does travel as a wave. I do believe I see how the line might be weak regardless with a lack of context. Not sure yet.