Source
r/OCPoetry•
highpitchedloathing

About the morning after

Feedback Received!

by the morning your words float away

syllables escaping my mind 

feathers drifting out of pillows

butter rolling down my legs

​

i’m thinking of the way your mouth moves

i'm thinking of how you say my name 

slow and sad, like a fly dying in midair

like melted butter rolling down my legs

​

by the morning your words turn to smoke 

the ashy smell cloaks my hair 

i swim through your phantom atmosphere

i die in midair, floating to my grave 

​

can I ask you anything? 

can I make your mouth move 

may I run my hands along the wings of your lips 

the corners of your mouth upturning 

in satisfaction? 

​

i’m thinking of your words like dough 

i’m thinking of your hands like fighter jets 

deafening velocity, voracious thirst 

​

by the morning your hands turn to swans 

floating over me in droves 

covering me from the burning sun 

that melts the butter, rolling down my legs

​

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/c4osk4/the_green_sea_between_us/es0w4i5/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/c50v12/homesick_perhaps/es0vbn7/?context=3

Posted Jul 3, 2019, 12:43 AM UTC · edited

34
creepit•

I actually like the odd sentence structure this poem takes. The last lines of each group are awkward and jarring and I think that serves the message and feeling really well. It's awkward and confusing, just like your use of "melted butter down the legs." it's uncomfortable and strange.

the twisted romanticism is very true to the feelings of those not prepared for a one night stand. Emotions don't really express right or should exist at all.

or at least, that's how I interpreted it

3
TJSchultz61•

If I'm going to be honest, this poem is bizarre, but in a good way. The imagery is so striking, and it may just be me, but I can't quite pick out the story it is trying to tell. The rhythm keeps me reading and wanting more, but the lack of punctuation or capitalization makes it feel like one long sentence (purposeful?) which is a great artful way of bringing such contrasting imagery together. I can feel the motif of death or loss is heavy in this poem, and the allusion to that is very subtle. The one thing that I cannot for the life of me figure out is what butter has to do with any of this. A very well written poem that made me want to read more. Keep up the great work.

2
highpitchedloathingOP•

I really appreciate this! Thank you

2
calderli•

So strange but so captivating. The butter especially seems so jarring every time it's mentioned but at the same time it gives the poem a sense of texture that grounds the poem to the senses a bit more.

2