Hiding in the shadows
Of the metal man at dusk
Your thoughts pool dark and red
Like a pond of melted rust
Lie down like the carcass
Of a squirrel my father shot
Like a child you’ve survived,
But like a nymphet you will rot
Posted Jul 7, 2019, 10:01 PM UTC · edited
That was a great read. I enjoyed every bit of it. As someone pointed out, it is very dark and I like it. It draws me in. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the kind words!
My pleasure! Keep writing.
I looovvvee this poem because It's able to tell such a grabbing story while being concise. The grim bloody tone exemplifies itself with careful word choice such as "thoughts pool dark and red" and "pond of melted rust" which I think is especially clever since blood has a metallic smell/flavor (I don't taste blood often, I'm sorry if that sounded weird lol).
The final line reminds me of Nabokov's novel Lolita, since it plays with the idea of nymphets. This phrase adds a sexualized tone to the poem, which I interpret as telling the story of someone surviving some act of sexual violence. The child will survive, but be rotted with their corruption of their innocence after such terrible abuse.
Overall, very interesting piece, I hope to see you write more!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you completely understood everything I was trying to convey with this! The line “your thoughts pool dark and red” was originally “your blood pools dark and red” but I figured that sounded a little too tryhard and edgy lol.
And yeah, the idea of the poem was supposed to be kind of a cynical look on sexual abuse and what you said was the exact concept I had in mind when I used the word nymphet.
I couldn’t have explained this poem better myself than how you said it and I’m glad you liked it!
Devastatingly beautiful. The dark texture is lovely. One suggestion though, because the poem seems to be continuous and unpunctuated, it would be best for the last line to not have a comma? The way I read it was as if the poem was a flight of stairs descending down into the pits of the Underworld... so reading it with a comma made me slip somehow a bit. I dunno if you see what I see (or hear). :)
But overall, beautiful imagery, rhythm is on point (literally).
Thanks so much! Also thanks for the suggestion, I totally see what you mean
Love the rhymes here and imagery 👍🏻
Thanks :)
Gorgeous. I love dark precise poems. I'm just now trying to get back into poetry, do you have any inspirations you'd mind sharing?
The thing that usually makes me wanna write is music honestly. I think I was listening to a lot of Brand New and Flatsound when I wrote this lmao. Sometimes I’ll hear a song’s tone and I really wanna write a poem with that kinda feel.
Thanks for the kind words!
I don't know but this is such a harsh poem and I like it. It's grim, dark, and crude, and I honestly don't know who this poem is for, but reading it made me feel angry at someone and I don't know who. The last line, "like a nymphet, you will rot," is very antiquated in content, but it still carries a lot of power as I read it. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much :) that was definitely the tone I was going for so I’m glad you saw that!