Source
r/OCPoetry•
flesh_eating_turtle

The Best of All Possible Worlds

Feedback Received!

I've walked the Sierra Madre by night,

When the farmers have long since stopped their work,

And nothing moves save the wind through the trees.

​

By light of dawn I've walked Galway's green fields,

Felt grass, made wet by dew, beneath my feet,

And bathed in streams as clear as gospel truth.

​

I've roamed the streets of Amsterdam past dark,

Befriended beggars, prostitutes, and drunks,

And slept rough just to see what it was like.

​

I've scoured the four corners of the Earth,

And lived each day as if it were my last;

I've taken all the cliches straight to heart.

​

But still somehow I wake up everyday

As unfulfilled as when I first left home,

To search for life in some beautiful place.

​

So now I think I'll try a new approach,

And make some beauty of my very own.

Come now, let us tend to our own garden.

_____________________________________

My feedbacks:

Posted Jul 8, 2019, 2:39 AM UTC · edited

3715
[deleted]•

[deleted]

4
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

Thanks very much! I'm glad you liked it.

Is there anything you would critique or change?

1
mitchyzdaboss•

I love the imagery in this, but in particular I love that you don't shy away from the fact that you're not saying something new, and yet in doing so, and not pretending to say something new, you almost are. I think it's a beautiful subversion of the whole hipster trope of doing things just to say we've done them. I particularly enjoyed the Amsterdam stanza as I think it says something we can all relate to, that idea of doing something just to say we've done it. My only minor criticism would be that the last line feels slightly forced, like it doesn't quite have the same meter as the other lines, but otherwise, a beautiful poem

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Edit: Also the first line is just spectacular too, instantly transports the reader elsewhere. Sorry just reading again after a few minutes and wanted to add this!

3
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you like it!

1
JJFunk•

Hits really close to home for me, I've recently started paying more attention to my "own garden." It flows really well, almost like just reading it you can see it being read out loud. I love it

1
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

I'm glad you found the poem impactful. I hope whatever is happening in your life goes well. Thanks for your feedback on the poem!

2
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
Alvion_•

some lines are amazing, e.g. "And nothing moves save the wind through the trees." or "And bathed in streams as clear as gospel truth.", at least gave me a vivid image and feeling. well done

1
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

Thanks very much! Is there anything that you would critique or change about it?

1
Alvion_•

Probably the last stanza, it’s a bit too straight forward imo but it’s really about personal taste

1
Emobannana•

Really enjoy the imagery you have employed "bathed in streams clear as gospel truth"; I also am glad for the line about embracing cliches, at least personally comes across as embracing beauty in things others deem over done and avoid, in order to build a sense of superiority via obscurity. Whilst I would like to give a negative critique to round out my feedback it would feel forced and unnecessary. Thoroughly enjoyed!

1
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

Thank you for your feedback. I'm glad you found the poem meaningful. That line is my favorite as well.

Thanks again!

1
redditforumstar•

The imagery in here is really captivating. I love how this exudes a certain self-awareness to differentiate it from other similar sounding content. It goes to a different place and relies the message that sometimes the answers are right at home, waiting to be found and worldly experiences are not the only way to pacify your soul. They may just turn out to be a journey to discovering a greater journey that we need to embrace. Nicely done

1
flesh_eating_turtleOP•

Thanks very much! Is there anything that you would critique or suggest?

1
jtp5290•

Great poem, homie. Really loved it. It flowed well, and as everyone has been saying, you do a great job with imagery. The content itself is also great, you transport us throughout a ton of different scenes which I’m interpreting as all being real experiences from your own life. That being said, two lines in particular stood out to me, personally, as not quite fitting in with the rest of the poem. The last line of your stanza in Amsterdam, feels weaker than the rest for me. I’m not exactly sure why, although my best guess is that ending the line on the word “like” when you end your other lines on such strong words threw me out of the poem a bit. I think you could find a stronger way to impart that meaning, or a more punch-y word to end your line on, as you do it so well throughout the rest of the poem. Additionally, and I saw this mentioned in another comment, the reference to “us” threw me for a loop at the end of the poem. I think it could be a 50/50 toss-up, I’d imagine some people would enjoy it more than myself, but personally it felt odd and not in-line with the rest of the poem. The entire way it has been an individual journey, looking for your own personal fulfillment through all the corners of the world. I think that if another person is actually being included in this gardening you mention, the individual should be mentioned earlier, or maybe have another stanza added in to introduce this person. Alternatively, keep it an individual journey, as it is throughout the rest of the poem. Great work. I hope to be as skilled at imagery some day.

1