Spirits

I like this poem — each line is inventive and clever, and the point is clear.

I think it would be more effective to break each line into two: e.g, “I’ve given up on my dreams so many times // that you’d think I’d wake up.” Each line has a clear contrast so I think that would be more effective.

Also, grammatically it is “have drunk.”(Which is a small double entendre!)

Thanks for sharing.

I like the short, simple aspect of it. You’re not trying to add fluff and you really get down to the point of it. You ever thought about creating haikus?

r/OpenHaiku

I like, this, short and sweet. I feel like it could be expanded a bit too (maybe twice as many lines?) without hurting the brevity that you're clearly going for. As someone who has struggled with drinking, I also identify with the sentiment you're communicating.

My one question is why 'eighth cup' specifically? Is there a symbolic reason, or is that just to signify 'after drinking a lot'?

I’m a fan, for sure. As said above, the point of the poem is very apparent which I appreciate as a reader. I do also agree, that while it’s shortness is a point in its favor, it could use expanding, especially on the point of eight cups, as I’m unsure why that is significant at that point. Additionally, you rhyme “up” and “cup,” but “ghost” and “knows” don’t exactly rhyme, which detracted from the poem for me a bit as the first two lines did end up rhyming. I think the suggestion of breaking up your lines more could help solve this as you would either have more opportunities to play around with rhyme, or, alternatively, do away with it all together. Either way, great job!

Such depth.

I am always amazed at how wordsmiths can say so little and yet we can take away so much. I hope to one day get to the point of being able to do so myself.

Thank you for the lovely poem, I will stay up a few more hours tonight thinking of the meaning behind it and how it could apply to my life.

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As a recovering alcoholic who has used alcohol many times to cope, this poem really resonates with me. I really like the simplicity and how short it is. My only suggestion would be to remove contractions and say the full words for "I have" but I'm super new to poetry and could be completely off base. Anyway, thank you for sharing!

I really like this poem. The lines paint a distinctive image for me.

I arrived to the same conclusion as u/throwaway_polaroid that the poem would benefit from breaking up the lines. Although, primarily the first three lines, as I would leave the last line as it is. I feel that by placing distinct emphasis on both parts of the line it would give more of a punch to the message of the lines. I think splitting the lines like they displayed in his comment would work well.

However, another option (the one I would prefer to use if this was my own writing) is using an em dash (as a pause dash) For example: "I've drank enough to fill the ocean—but I still pour my eighth cup." I love how the em dash's ability to give a sense of disjointedness and connectedness at the same time interacts with this poem, which is why I went with no spaces before and after the dash. For me, this especially punches in the second part of the first two lines, as it drives home that the reality of the subject's actions don't meet what would be expected. My preference for this is probably due to a bias in poetry towards the em dash, and other dashes. I've found that I'm drawn to using it in my own writing and really liking poems that use it, specifically Emily Dickinson's poems with their varied uses of the dash and how Lear uses them, especially lines one and two of the third stanza in *The Dong with a Luminous Nose: "*Slowly it wander, — pauses, — creeps, — // Anon it sparkles, — flashes and leaps;"

Once again, I really liked this poem and this image it painted for me. Great job!

I find it to be a chant that would come out of a pirates mouth while he binges on a bottle all by himself. It feels historical, and I like that about it. It's got a hint of humor with a cup of sadness to it. Fitting title, as well

I'm reading this in an old man's voice. He's meaning to sound matter-of-fact but there's a lilting in his voice. The flow in your poem created the lilting.

This man is drowning out his sorrows, and we all know sorrow sings so well. I'm so present with this poem, so faced with reality, but for the lilting of the words in the old man's voice, that takes me away.

Like it, paints a nice picture without getting much too ornate.

Flows pretty well also, very natural rythm, to me at least.

I really liked the poem! I’m someone who usually writes long ones, so it’s refreshing to read something shorter and simple but one that still drives the point home. I liked how you rhymed, and although “ghost” and “know” don’t match exactly, it still sounded good as you changed the rhyme scheme up. Good job!

I like your use of rhyme in this piece. Eighth cup/ wake up — they sound nice together, but the eight feels kinda arbitrary like for the rhyme. Drink enough to fill the ocean may be a bit cliche, only because your other metaphors are really strong.

Pretty cool. I'd like.to see you expand on this theme. Maybe take us into the desent of madness and lucidity of where your mind really goes once you've "given up" and the clever ways addiction justifies it.

Nice double meaning with the spirits, it’s an interesting play on words as so many people always seem to succumb to drinking themselves to death. Is this in the correct line of thought you had of the last line of your poem? Great poem, by the way.