Back on the horse!

Hi all I am definitely a sex addict but back on the recovery road and holy moly does it feel right and good.

I want to get down my feelings and thoughts while i was on my short sojourn .

1. For starters most other responsibilities just POOF disappear, not in reality but from my mind.
2. I start to think up the next way to be be sexually excited instead.
3. In short order my anxiety rose because I was realizing I should have been doing something else.
4. As my anxiety rose I spun into more sexual thinking.
5. My to do list starts to look insurmountable, so I stupidly double down on lust to escape
6. I start to look at women as objects and assess them for how enjoyable they would be in bed.
7. I could not sleep, was restless and waking up worried about things to do.
8. Shortness of breath due to the anxiety.

Good times!

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Today I feel so much better already, still need to take a deep breath and collect my thoughts and then move to the next thing but just getting things done and actually tackling tasks is so more rewarding! Why did I veer off????? A few reasons I surmise:

1. I relaxed too much on vacation. At first I thought this was an excuse but its true I was too relaxed and let down my guard regarding my addiction to lust and recovery. My diet went out the window too.
2. I started falling for the idea that I was fine. I need to remind myself daily this problem of mine is life threatening, and its not hyperbole, my recovery is like insulin or protection against it.
3. HALT- Lonely in this case- I need to communicate with my wife wanting and needing intimacy (not even talking about sex) and not let resentment build. I was beginning to take her rebuffs personally, after a dozen weeks I fell for old patterns instead of communicating.
4. I missed feeling sexual, need to work on that, I actually do not need to be sexual at all.
5. Anxiety that if sex did happen with my wife (her initiation) could I perform?
6. I used PMO instead and its ingrained as the default for sex v. anxious about being sexual with my wife.
7. I have so many things to do, I fell for this as a good way to escape. I was doing so good staying focused on tasks and knocking them off, but still new to the idea that the number will probably never reduce, the realization of being on a treadmill was a bit of a blow.
8. Returning from vacation, that to do list was so daunting, people calling me to check in on things... I just wanted to hide! Hiding made things worse! And just after one day!

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Last note to self- look at this lapse as still progressive victory over lust. While I lost my sobriety I was sober for 85 days, lust drunk for 2 (maybe a week if you count the days I was slowly slipping back to old patterns, another post...) . I am sober now again and still working on it...

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Thanks all here for just being here so I can share in this way its been a big help, along with all your encouragement.