Source
r/OCPoetry•
EricSpoke

The Devil

Feedback Received!

Here’s the first poem I’ve written in years:
The devil smells like smoke
Not sulfur but a nice cigar
The devil smells like cinnamon and the lotion that you put on scars
The devil smells like sex
Not like rubber but more sweet and seductive
And the Devil interrupted my music just to tell me that she loved it
The Devil’s looking like an angel
But dressed a tad more slutty
She might show up at this bar and then make these patrons hug me
She might give me all the love
Not her’s but from other people
She might push me down the stairs and then kick me with her heels

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cd6kr9/the_best_the_worst/ets1z7g/
Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cd793l/stranger/ets29lb/

Posted Jul 14, 2019, 8:08 PM UTC

97
stan4928•

Not trying to re write what you have done because i think it's great. But here are a few changes I would have made.

The devil smells like smoke Not sulfur but a late night cigar like cinnamon and the lotion that you put on a scar The devil smells like sex Not of rubber and sweat but more sweet and seductive. And the Devil interrupted my music just to tell me that she loved it The Devil’s looks like an angel But dressed a bit more slutty The Devil might show up at the bar and make these these women want me She might give me all the love Not her’s but the people around me She might push me down the stairs and then kick me with her heels

2
EricSpokeOP•

Dude you’re a badass I love some of these corrections thank you

2
stan4928•

Not a problem :)

1
Teressian•

I love this revised version of the poem. I love the way you imagine the devil, and the way the poem engages the senses and how playful it is. I particularly like the image of the devil dressed slutty and how you portray the unpredictability of the devil with the last line. I also like how you imagine the Devil as a woman, particularly as the wild woman archetype. Great poem!

1
jmue01•

I love how this describes sin and temptation as subtle and beautiful. The sinful choices we make aren’t often blatantly so and this does a wonderful job of showing that. Greatly enjoyed

2
Peter7509y•

I really enjoyed this poem. I feel like you made great use of lines of varying length, it has a really natural cadence to it. "She might show up at this bar and then make these patrons hug me", I'm not totally following this line. In general the poem is very creative and fun to read but I don't quite understand the last four lines, but that's not necessarily a fault of the poem. Thanks for sharing.

1
mindfulplaces•

Wow, I love the concept and I love how you keep with the theme throughout the poem. "The devil looks like an angel" I just love the contradiction here. The flow is on point and the rhyming reads so natural. I enjoyed reading this a lot.

1