Source
r/JustNoTalk•
weirdcc

I am an emotional mess

Parents

DD2 is finally here! She was born a week ago. We still haven't told my in-laws. I don't ever want to tell them. I just don't want to deal with them at all.

Yesterday was the once year anniversary of my dad's death. It is also the day we came home from the hospital. DD2 had to be in the NICU under bili lights for a few days. It was a day full of sadness but at the same time we were so happy to go home.

I have also hit the hormone waterfall of emotions. Everything I am feeling is felt 10 times more extreme.

All I want is to be able to share the joy of my new daughter without worrying about how my in-laws will react. I want to be able to share on social media that she is here and she is so beautiful. My problem is that my MIL is essentially stalking my family on social media. She is constantly liking and commenting on the things they post. My sister had to block her on Instagram because of how annoying and creepy she was being. (And my MIL had to create an Instagram account recently to be able to do that). She is even friends with members of my family that she has never met.

Last we heard from them was yesterday. She had the nerve to message me about how she was thinking of me on the anniversary of my dad's death. (Everything blew up with the in-laws when she threw a temper tantrum that I didn't want company on Christmas because I was grieving). It stung and did not feel sincere at all. I've also had no contact with her since March. DH got a similar message from his dad with a guilt trip included about reaching out. (We have not responded to their last email since we have been a little busy in the hospital).

Their last email was all about DD1 and how they want to know what we expect of them as grandparents. It completely ignored every other part of DH's email to them of what they need to do for us to have a relationship with them.

DH also got a voicemail of MIL crying at him. It included how she tried to be a good mom because she wanted to be different than her abusive parents but she guesses she failed. She just doesn't know what to do. And the best part of how their therapist told them not to respond to most of DH's email because it needs to be hashed out in person because "emails can be misinterpreted". Even though we have explicitly told them it needs to be through written communication. Obviously they are incapable of saying decent things so they want to be able to manipulate the conversation so they can spin it in their favor.

And this is now happening while I am recovering from giving birth. I am emotional, sore, and sleep deprived. I hate that I have to have this worry on top of everything else I am going through.

Posted Jul 16, 2019, 3:13 AM UTC

13725
r3adiness•

That is so so much to be coping with. Anniversaries are so hard. I’m sorry for your loss and the undue stress you in laws are putting you through. Congratulations on your new little one and be gentle with yourself!

29
weirdccOP•

Thank you. I am trying to focus on my own recovery.

1
MotorCity_Hamster•

Congrats to you and your DH, the baby is here!

Hopefully you can focus on your recovery and your new squish, and the in laws can kick rocks.

Is your DH able to send a cease and desist letter? That may clear up the "possibility of misinterpretation" by the in laws and any flying monkeys.

Also, hugs to you OP. Losing an awesome parent hurts like hell. I'm in the same boat. ❤

18
weirdccOP•

We are not at the point where we want to cut all contact. DH wants to try everything before giving up. He did send them a short email last night stating that our daughter was born. I feel better not having to essentially hide anymore.

I am sorry you have also lost a parent. My dad's love was pure and he was so proud to be a PawPaw.

2
MotorCity_Hamster•

I'm sorry that this is even an issue for you and DH to have to worry about in the first place. I just hope that they come to their senses and that you guys can raise your children in peace and comfort

1
notfromspaiin•

it’s so weird because although i haven’t given birth yet, i am almost in the same predicament as you. like someone mentioned before, anniversaries are ROUGH. i just went through the one year mark for my dad and i truly thought the world was falling apart all over again. not sure if my pregnancy hormones had anything to do with that or if i was just unable to come to reality for those stretch of days. i know this sounds cliche, but breathe, and suck in those precious moments with your newborn. focus on the now, grieve when you can, and fuck the in laws. i hope things get better for you soon!

14
weirdccOP•

Thank you. I am sorry you are going through something similar.

1
januayfiregoddess•

First of all congratulations on DD2! My advice is keep your news to yourself until you’re ready. I think the old saying is ‘babies don’t expire’ and you can announce when you and your family are good and ready!

Second of all, if you haven’t already, give your family permission to unfriend/unfollow/block your MIL as the stalking is creepy!

8
weirdccOP•

Thank you! My close family knows they can unfriend and block if they want. I'm not so close with some of my extended family. We are essentially just Facebook friends. I keep them as my friends (but they can't see what I post) to keep an eye on what they post. I have already had to report a photo because they didn't follow our one rule of tagging DH or I in pictures of our children.

I was ready to announce to everyone but the in-laws when she was born. I am so happy and proud she is here. I just knew that if we announced to everyone else the in-laws would play victim and with us as the bad guys. It was bothering me so much that DH just sent a super short email just saying her name and the date she was born. I am feeling better now that it doesn't feel like I'm hiding anymore.

2
januayfiregoddess•

I’m so glad you’re feeling better! Thank you for the update. I lost my father a number of years ago and having 2 babies after, it’s so hard. My youngest was in special care and I remember sobbing over her crib when I heard a song that reminded me of him when I was going through hard times. I just want you to know I understand how you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to have a good cry. I bet where ever your dad is, he’d be super proud of you!

1
januayfiregoddess•

It also sucks that MIL thinks she can use your father’s passing anniversary to her advantage to try to win you over to let her back in. I just wanted to validate your feelings there xxx

1
ImALittleTeapotCat•

Sending hugs, cause you sound like you need some. Focus on healing and taking care of your family. Let your husband deal with his family if you can. If you've got friends or family who can help out, let them. DD1 could probably use some fun time with a favorite auntie or something, and it would give you a break.

On social media, you can ask your family to block her. You can share news and pictures via group chats. You can use one of the websites where you have to log in (tinybeans ys the one I've heard of).

3
savtaytex•

Or use Snapchat and add family on there.

3
weirdccOP•

Thank you. We don't have any family in our city but my mom and sister were visiting last weekend. We do have some friends that can visit. Once DD2 is a tad older we will also take her to church. It will feel good to see people who have been rooting for us all along.

I have been using 23 snaps to share some pictures. I just don't have many people on there yet. We had tiny beans with DD1 but I stopped using it because the in-laws would bug us every time we missed a day. It was just too stressful.

1
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1
[deleted]•

[removed]

-3
bobbi18•

Yes, you are an emtional mess, that is alot to deal with! Goodness. Glad your newborn is home safe. Hope you have some time to enjoy. I'm sorry for your loss of father. I lost husband right before Christmas- hard time of year, especially on our kids. It sounds to me like you REACT to everything MIL does or says. She is essential walking on eggshells. I thought it showed compassion on her part to message you that she was thinking of you on anniversary of your father s death. She gets it now!
You can choose to react, respond, or have a 'healing' silence. An angry silence is not healing! You, my dear, do not accept her as she is, and are making yourself neurotic over trying to push her out & control her. You wont like reading my response, but I hope you will consider this: when you set boundaries, they are for YOU to follow, not the other person. No one can "cross" your boundaries. You compromise your own when you react angrily that she is doing what shes always done! Expectations are premeditated resentments.
Remember she is the mother of the man you love. She is boxed in a corner of damned if she does, damned if she doesnt. You've created a situation where she is desperate for communication with her son & grandchildren. Nothing she does is right. MIL is in therapy! Shes making an effort. I hope that your children grow up to marry someone who will give you respect, just because you are their loved ones mother. And please, keep communication with doc on post partum depression. It is very real, very serious.

-4
weirdccOP•

I have not created this situation, she has. She knows what we need to have a relationship and she refuses to do it. I am also not alone in my feelings, DH is right there with me. Yes, I am emotional. But your post reads full of blame for me. If she wants communication with my child she must first learn how to communicate with her own son and I am not keeping her from him. Her own actions are.

Your assessment of boundaries are completely off. My family sets them and people either follow them or damage our relationship. I will not put my own feelings aside to let others walk all over me and do what they want.

5
bobbi18•

I'm sorry you interrupted my post as "full of blame" for you. You really only can change yourself, not other people. Be blessed, enjoy your new daughter at this special time

0
weirdccOP•

"You've created a situation where she is desperate for communication with her son and grandchildren"

This blames me. I had no issue with your first statement. I am emotional. However, that does not mean those emotions are not valid. I feel them extra hard right now is all.

2
babybulldogtugs•

I see what you meant, but starting off with "yes, you are a mess" kind of makes it easy to interpret negatively. ;P I understand that you meant that it's understandable that OP is emotional and upset by this, but the way it was phrased feels like an attack, even though it isn't. Hope this helps

1
weirdccOP•

I had no issue with that statement. I am emotional. I was told that I created this situation which is entirely false and directly blames me for MIL's actions.

2
bobbi18•

Whoops - I shouldnt have agreed with her title.

0