Blame it on the BPD

When I first got diagnosed 5 years ago, everything clicked. My impulsiveness, manipulation, and unstable behaviours could finally be pinned on one thing and one thing only, BPD.

Before I even heard of what BPD was, I desperately tried to figure out why I was this mentally mess of a person. Why I experienced different emotions in waves like a storm. Why I clung so tightly to toxic people, forcing myself to rethink my fucked up childhood.

It was easy to pin it on BPD. I also got diagnosed with other mental illnesses, and the fucked up part was that I felt so relieved. Relieved that EVERYTHING I do and say stems from these disorders.

I thought that way for 4 years and I’m ashamed of that. It wasn’t until last year when I had an epiphany that

I was to blame.

I do these fucked up things to myself and to the people I love.

I gave in to my mental illnesses, allowing me to be abused by toxic partners

I’m trying really fucking hard to improve myself. I’m figuring out a lot of my toxic patterns and I’m doing the research and homework to put an end to them. I’m seeing improvements, but it’s also important to note that I have episode spirals. It happens, but the more we get out of these spirals, the easier it’ll be when the next ones come.

It is a rough road to walk on, but it is worth it. We have experienced a lot of shit in our lives and we are still here today. That alone shows how strong we are.

We fucking got this.