Dig. Dig. Deeper.
All around is danger.
Disguise in darkness.
Burry. Below. Burry.
Best to hide away.
Beware enemies from behind.
Safe.
Breathe. Breathe. Cannot.
Look to see the sky.
No stars tonight - not ever.
-- Links: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cl05l0/idoshī/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/clun1f/awake/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share0
Posted Aug 6, 2019, 3:29 AM UTC · edited
I really like this. It's short but packs a powerful emotional punch. I actually like how you ended it with the "not ever". It ends on a despairing note and that reflects the reality of war.
The only thing that kind of took me out of it was "burry". Did you mean to spell it that way or did you mean "bury"? The misspelling took me out of it a bit. But overall, very nicely done.
I sense a deep sorrow throughout the picture. As if something is closing around the subject or a feeling of helplessness, but at least you recognize it. I want to know more about this subject, where they go, what they feel, why? Thank you
I was really struck by the use and placement of "safe", and the use of "-not ever".
Personally, I liked what most other people liked, regarding the urgency of the piece. But those two lines I mentioned made it seems about something permanent. The manic thoughts of the now are just a continuation of the forever. I read it as a big picture piece hidden beneath the emotions of a moment.
If that...makes any sense. End all, I enjoyed it.
Like it
Solid start. I would suggest changing the first line of the first and third phrases a bit to match the second.
‘Dig. Deeper. Dig.’ And ‘Breathe. Cannot. Breathe.’ As I feel that it adds a sense of urgency but despair. ‘Dig ok I’m done...shit there’s more danger dig again!’ And ‘breathe...but I can’t...BREATHE GOD DAMMIT!’
Also the phrase ‘not ever’ needs to be changed. It could just be a repeat of line ‘no stars tonight’. ‘Not ever’ alludes to a bigger scope than what the rest of the poem is talking about. Everything is about the here and now and the ‘not ever’ makes me feel like it’s speaking about a much longer time period.
Now what I loved:
The sense of urgency is well done. The need to get to safety immediately despite being surrounded is powerful. Even if the author gets to safety now it is clearly just fleeting. I think that is what the whole poem is about. The need to find safety with disregard to what happens after the here and now.