Source
r/relationship_advice•
eggborg01

TL;DR: 3 months after i (19M) broke up with my boyfriend (21M) i slept with his best friend (21M). Is confessing to him about it a bad idea?

(I am trans if that means anything, but pls no gender arguments!)

I tried to post this in r/relationships, but ill post it here instead. to keep it brief, I really need some advice. I did something I'm not proud of.

A couple months ago, in February, I had a one night stand with my exes best friend, who i'll call E. Before you say it, no, i didn't cheat. We broke up in December of 2018. They just have a weird relationship, so i know it may ruin things.

my ex and E have been friends since they were young children so he kind of just puts up with E. My ex almost despises him in many ways, despite being friends. It's weird, kind of hard to explain.

Telling him I slept with E, three months after we broke up, would end the friendship we have built now. Guaranteed. I'm pretty sure he would never talk to me again. And I'm sure he doesn't know already, E did almost tell him but my sibling's boyfriend talked him out of it, thank god. It was literally the day after we did it.

He doesn't need to know, I get that. It's not his business, but I feel it eating me up inside whenever I see him in person. the guilt is killing me. i almost told him at a 4th of July party, but I had enough sense of mind left (I was drinking ofc) to not say shit. It's good i didnt, probably.

And to make it even worse, I made out with my ex at the party and we almost hooked up. Once again, I wasnt so far gone that I couldn't stop myself. I pretended the next day that I didn't remember (I know, that was a dick move)vBut i do know everything happened. aI remember him saying he loved me under his breath and that's mainly the part I'm pretending to forget. also the kissing. That was awkward. Remind me never to drink ever.

So what I'm trying to ask is: is it a bad idea to tell my ex I slept with E? Or will it royally fuck up everything? I cant deal with the guilt and anxiety about it. I want to come clean.

Feel free to be as brutally honest as you want. I deserve it.

Posted Aug 7, 2019, 4:34 AM UTC · edited

215
[deleted]•

I think you should have stopped talking with your ex when you broke up, but you could always stop now.

6
eggborg01OP•

He's a good guy. We just didn't work out. Things aren't usually awkward and everything was fine until July. Goddamn it.

Should I just stop talking to him? We're on pleasant terms and I don't really want to change that.

-1
[deleted]•

I don't get the guilt thing. Let it lie. Drama for drama's sake is...not one of my favorite things.

3
eggborg01OP•

drama is the worst. I dealt with it too much in high school, even out of hs. I think you, and the other people posting here are right. Just let it lie.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
eggborg01OP•

I didn't feel guilty about it at first. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks the next day when E wanted to tell my ex for some reason. He felt bad too maybe?

I also was warned that E may have slept with me just for bragging rights. Or revenge maybe (he apparently liked me first or whatever) everything about this situation is messed up.

You really think I betrayed him? You don't think feeling guilt is overreacting? I did wait three months, and didnt cheat or anything.

1
KevWill•

So you want to make yourself feel better by telling him but completely destroy his life. That seems a tad selfish.

4
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
eggborg01OP•

I'm not a girl, for one. It says it right there in the TL;DR. we don't have to agree on that, don't use the wrong pronouns to my face at least please.

I'm genuinely interested in your opinions, though. if it was you, in my ex's place, you would be angry? I'm just trying to grasp how other people look at this.

0
eggborg01OP•

that's fair. It is selfish.

but I feel horrible about it. And trust me, telling him won't instantly make me feel better, it will probably make me feel worse. I dont like hurting people's feelings.

I just don't know if he'll even care. That's the main issue.

-1
stesrynx•

from experience, don't tell him

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
pacificnorthblessed•

Don’t tell him. It will cause more harm that good.

2
x_ta_se•

Damn, this is a moral ambiguity for me right her. One one hand I say to keep it 100 with him but on the other there doesn’t really seem to be a reason why you should confess, especially if you don’t hang out or anything.

Edit:just read the rest. If you wanna stay friends I’m not sure if it would be wise to tell him. I’m not really sure how to proceed. But I will say that good actions are not always wise ones, and bad ones aren’t necessary foolish, but regardless we will stride to be good.

2
eggborg01OP•

yeah thats exactly my problem. I have no idea what to do. Most of the people responding are like "hell no dont tell him" I'm wondering why not, from as many perspectives as possible. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. would you want your ex to tell you they slept with your friend? I'm asking honestly.

1
x_ta_se•

Hm, well it sounds like you and your ex hang out on the regular as friends, I feel like you guys probably have a few friends in common?

But yeah I think it would be different if you broke up and haven’t seen him since, but the fact you still keep a friendship with him makes things a lot more difficult.

On one hand if you don’t tell him your friendship will be in tacked, on the other if you do you risk your friendship with both friends.

On the third hand maybe if you be honest E will end the friendship with you ex and date you (if that’s something you want.) if you want that reality then it might be best to tell him together.

Have you ever thought of a relationship with E?

2
eggborg01OP•

yes I have, and we mutually decided dating would be a bad idea. He moved on to someone else not too soon after and I don't think he meant half of the things he said. He just wanted to get laid.

which is fine with me, I just don't like the feeling of being used.

I also don't hang out with my ex often, only when my sibling is in town. And they live a whole six hour road trip away. (So it's not all the time) but I get what you're saying. If it didn't end so mutually and my ex and I never spoke again it would be different.

1
x_ta_se•

Yeah, and if you only see him when your siblings are in town you might want to think how that new would impact your relationship with your siblings as well. I think most of this hangs on the idea of how important is this friendship to you?

2