Source
r/OCPoetry•
Kwagmyr

Beached

Feedback Received!

I wrote this trying to express a sentiment I’m not really sure the meaning of which is. Anyway...

Crawling, blue to sunset-red

Fading footprints at their will

Whispered, echoed “come to bed,”

They call, they crash,

“Come deeper, still.”

I hear the blood of sirens speak,

It’s cold and wet and clear to me.

But under all, I understand;

I hear the freedom hitting sand;

Continuing the cycle; sinking

Forces far away expand

And pull them back from red to blue.

Exposing all the earth it slew.

crit 1 crit 2

Posted Aug 12, 2019, 12:35 AM UTC

310
JagoKestral•

When I read this I read a story of a sailor spending a night entrapped by sirens, only finding freedom when a new morning comes. It's interesting to say for sure, but it's a little scattered. Ultimately, you say you weren't really sure what you're getting at with it in the first place, I think if you give yourself some time and thought and work out the emotion that wrote this, and then take another look at it, you'll be able to express yourself more vividly.

1
KwagmyrOP•

It’s interesting you got that. Ultimately it’s actually about waves and kind of speculating at some underlying meaning in them/their rhythm. I was exploring some unknown underlying voice or message thus the “siren” call. Thx for the feedback

1
ARagingFire•

I really enjoyed this. I actually love the mystery that it leaves you with!

1
ARagingFire•

Here is more feedback on your poem because apparently this is "low effort." Maybe you could go deeper into the mystery? Maybe you could go a little deeper into what you are feeling here, maybe take some time to really reflect on it and come back to the poem so that we have more of a story?

2
KwagmyrOP•

yeah I definitely want to make it longer but I didn’t want to stretch it out and sacrifice quality... I’ll keep thinking though.

1
ARagingFire•

I definitely understand that and I really do like your poem as it is a lot! One of my favorites I have read on this site so far. I was getting some flack for not leaving high effort critiques so I tried to muster up some more stuff to say but honestly I really do just enjoy the emotional quality and mystery of this poem, if you wrote more I'd love to read it.

2
KwagmyrOP•

Thanks so much, I appreciate it!

1
the-mighty-pen•

This is really nice. I definitely would have thought of the beach, regardless of the title. All of the imagery takes you there very vividly. I think you shouldn't worry too much about not entirely knowing what you were trying to express because there are times where you don't have to. You can just leave that open to interpretation for the viewer. I also actually enjoy poems I don't totally understand because the sense of mystery keeps me coming back to it.

My one criticism would be that I don't understand the line "I hear the freedom hitting sand." I'm not sure if you meant "freedom hitting the sand" and it's just a typo/error or if it means something else.

1
KwagmyrOP•

Thanks for the critique! By that line I meant the freedom of the waves breaking on shore (physically hitting sand), like they build momentum at sea and then release it as they meet the land. I hope that makes sense.

1
the-mighty-pen•

Okay, yeah, that makes sense. You're welcome!

2