Source
r/Divorce•
fps81

On vacation with my 3 kids

Life After Divorce

My ex and I took a number of vacations as a family, and I always remember them being stressful and anxious. The kids (3 boys, 10, 9 and 3) always seemed to be acting too crazy, to needy, constantly annoying everyone. She always complained I didn't do enough, didn't help her with the kids, that she never got a break

My ex and I got divorced in May and the summer with the kids has been eye opening. My second week with the kids coincided with the sale of our house, and so I emptied it early and took the kids to Puerto Rico. This has been the most relaxing, enjoyable vacation I've been on. People have been pulling me aside in restaurants telling me how well behaved my kids are.

It turns out that my perfectionist, demanding, blame shifting ex was ruining everything while making it seem like everyone else's fault.

Meanwhile, she tells me how much harder it is without me taking care of meals, bills and the house, driving everywhere, etc. She tells me it's not easy being a single parent and meanwhile I'm thinking this is the easiest parenting has ever been.

Posted Aug 17, 2019, 4:58 PM UTC · edited

178
TroubleintheSW•

I had a similar experience when I took my two young kids (5 and 3) on a quick week-long vacation a few months ago. Most family vacations were fun, but they could also be very stressful, and inevitably, there would always be an opportunity for me and the wife to be alone, but she'd be too tired or whatever to spend time with me.

Taking my two young kids was surprisingly easy. They absolutely had a ball, and I honestly felt like I had fewer people to take care of. It made me realize that I really truly was taking care of the entire family, wife included, and was more like a servant than husband. Without her in the picture, it was so much more fun and stress free. My heart rate, as tracked by my FitBit, actually went down during the vacation, as it should. In the past, it peaked.

11
fps81OP•

I'm glad I'm not alone in finding a less stressful time after divorce. I didn't want my divorce. I fought it as hard as I could. But this is most certainly better.

3
TroubleintheSW•

I didn't want mine either but at some point I realized that as hard as I tried to communicate with my ex, she didn't give two shits about us. It was a lost cause.

I don't miss my ex specifically, but I do miss having a complete family, and I miss my step-daughter terribly some days. I have to remind myself that she's alive and being taken care of, I just can't see, hear, or talk to her. All out of spite from her mother.

4
summerofindependence•

One of the perks I have discovered as well. Less stressful, less worry. Kids and I do exactly what we want to do on vacation and we have fun!

4
Dr-RaoulDuke•

Holy crap are you me? I'm still in the process and we are currently separated. Our last family vacation we took with another family (close friend of mine not hers) and my friend pulled me aside to tell me that he and his wife thought that my now stbx was being very annoying with her demanding nature and that they felt bad for me and the kids. Now that we're separated she's constantly telling me how much tougher she has it with the kids and the house, etc...

Anyway, now I can't wait until my next vacation with the kids and without her!

4
pirisca•

Had a similar revelation this past week. Separated for a couple of months, 3 years old spent a week with me in my parents house (summer vacations). We spent a day in a small city nearby, had a blast, was trully fun and chill. Honestly one of the best outings we ever had. By the end of the day i realized that the negativity cloud of my STBex wife was really affecting our previous outings. Excited for the things to come :)

3
Sad_Dad_0613•

I’m slowly opening my eyes to a similar situation. Our daughter (4.5) has been labeled by her as not cuddly and a lost cause for closeness and we have to use other methods. Now that I’m out of the house and getting my own time with her, she’s practically in my lap and leaning on me most of the time we are together seeking that closeness.

I still get practically nothing but criticisms from my wife. Today it was using some bleach cleaner on the floor to wipe up a sticky spill. I should ah e used soap and “she’s told me that before”.

None of this stuff matters and sacrificing closeness for correcting and criticizing everything your kids and husband do has to be exhausting and really does a great job to push them both away from you.

She’s asked me on numerous occasions what I’ve been telling our son (3) to get him to be so mean to her and prefer me. 1) if I had the ability to influence the minds of toddlers I’m in the wrong profession and deserve a billion dollar salary. 2) the complete blindness to her own actions and seeing how cuddly and affectionate I am in comparison to her interactions is mind boggling. I am extremely sad and scared for her when the kids are older and the whole authoritarian control parenting really starts to backfire on her.

Anyway, thanks for this, it’s really nice to fond some solidarity. I’m still trying to work with her during the separation and be kind and helpful, but based on your post and the other comments, I don’t think she’s going to get it until I’m gone financially and supportively.

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Rawnw3•

I'm so happy for you. I see myself getting there too. Right now I'm in the midst of it but reading this gives me hope.

Thank you for the inspiration.

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