Still needs title and improvement

So I'm probably did something really faux pas here... but I LOVE the feel and the mood of this piece. I just found it really hard to read, especially out loud and I had a hard time following since I didn't catch the NIN reference either. so... I took your words and moved the stanzas around, edited just a little for rhythm, and added a NIN reference that's harder to miss, and one more word to get some alliteration to go with your punch line "annihilation". I might get skewered for jacking around that much with someone else's work, but I like the poem and you did ask for feedback so...

Title suggestion "Mirror talk"

It’s easier to fight the living

than it is to fight the ghosts,

strange truth is they’re more real than most.

​

That loyalty, and protection,

all those charms of his.

You’re addicted to his sex,

because he knows where you G-spot is.

​

Control your burn child,

You’ve got to get control.

You’ve got to burn your dead,

You’ve got to let it go,

The only way is to say no.

​

Nine Inch nation,

Now comes the realization,

You’ve married Mr. Self-Destruct,

the lie that you believe,

Trent tried to warn you

and you’re so afraid to leave.

​

Annihilation.

​

It’s all over now.

The fires have burned out.

Now we walk through.

I feel like him being “Mr Self-Destruct” is interesting, but it doesn’t seem to come up again. When you say it that way it makes me think that these problems she is having are originating from his own problems. Maybe you could add something about how his problems are likely to still be there and will come up again. Maybe she needs to burn her dead in order to save the living.

The first stanza ends pretty abruptly, the word annihilation has a ton of emphasis on it due to the lack of rhyme. After that you seem to adapt to some kind of simple rhyme scheme. The second stanza had an off beat word in the 3rd line "that". It really interrupted the feeling I was getting from the poem. After that the rhyme worked pretty well for the rest of the poem. I can tell the poem has a powerful message behind it but in order to really make it shine the rhythm and the rhyme schemes have to be perfect so that the reader isn't taken out of the world you are portraying. Good job though

I'm kind of confused as to what this poem is about. There's not a solid narrative I'm detecting, it sounds more like a jealous ex lover ranting. He's Mr. Self destruct, but offers loyalty and protection? She's addicted to his sex? What does that have to do with you walking through annihilation? Does the subject switch from the ex lover to the narrator? Because the lines 'youve got to burn your dead/let it go/take control' sound like the narrator talking to himself about the ex lover. Is 'you' always referring to the ex lover? If so, what does she have to let go? What ghosts does she have?

[removed]

Please don't discredit your work! Its good - I like the whole concept and it caused me to reflect back on my past relationships.

However, in my opinion the last two stanzas are weak. They are well written, but it feels as if they were just tacked on. I think they would work better in a poem about mourning - or was this a poem about mourning? I couldnt tell

I like it. My only criticism is that I don't know who trent is, and that line makes me wonder in a direction not conducive to the narrative being told. I'd suggest changing it to something less personal like "tried to warn you".

I agree with others that the last stanza would have more impact if it were at the end.

One suggestion I have that I have to do with myself sometimes, is to read your poem a few times and take out any words that don't need to be there. For example, I think you could say you're addicted to the sex he gives you while taking out the reason why. Sometimes saying less is more impactful.

I agree with another comment, not sure who trent is? but I love the vibe you're going for (or what I understand you're going for at least. scorn love? unrequited?). There's clear passion involved and the words convery it very effectively :)

Much bettah! I like the “stained mirror” title too! Great work!