Be quiet

So what I got from this was being stuck in the closet because society disapproves. If I’m wrong I’m sorry lol. I think it portrays that idea really well with the comparisons to rotting away and be quiet be quiet. I think we need more poems like this that shed light on important things. Thank you for sharing! :)

Visceral imagery, this is a beautifully tragic piece. May you find peace along your path to rebirth

I really enjoy your use of repetition! It doesn't feel overdone, instead, each repetition manages to bring in a sort of rhythm that helps the audience read each stanza at a good tempo.

I also was quite intrigued by the subtly in the imagery you used to explore the relationship between queerness and silence. I particularly enjoyed the stanza about rattlesnakes.

My feedback:

Perhaps there's a way to make the overarching metaphor more obvious. You use a lot of images of animals and animal behavior but those moments seem to be followed by scenes of fleshy violence that lose the scene of animal behavior I had just been indulging in.

Don't get me wrong, I think all the imagery you used ties into the theme that you're working with. My suggestion would be to reconsider the arrangement of the stanzas so the reader can move through the scenes your conjuring up in a more fluid way.

That could mean placing stanzas with wild/animal imagery closer together or, I can see this poem staying as it is but with a few additions that make the metaphors tie together in a more obvious way.

All in all, great piece!

Can't wait to read more :)

Unfortunately relatable lol!

But here's my critique: I am a huge stickler for diction in poetry as it plays a huge part in the tone that the reader gathers from the poem. In that regard, describing God's hand as "about to smite" really didn't sit well with me. "About to" is really colloquial and you stuck it right next to "smite" which is a) biblical and b) very lofty. Unless you are deliberately switching the type of diction you use to create a shift in the poem's tone, try to keep it consistent throughout the poem. There's also nothing wrong with using conversational language! You don't necessarily have to use words like smite to try to keep with traditional poetic language.

I really liked stanza 15! The maze image was very powerful, but you repeat it in stanza 16 with a different tone. A meadow is a much more calming image than being lashed, so again, unless you are using the repetition with a variation for a specific effect, just choose one or the other. Poetry is a concise form of art and there's no room for unnecessary repetition if it doesn't enhance the experience of the reader. In this case, I think the meadow image undermined a really powerful and painful image in stanza 15.

I'm also confused by your rhyme scheme. I see ABAB and ABCC, with an ABBC slant rhyme in there too. There's nothing wrong with not sticking to a single pattern but make sure what you're choosing is deliberate.

I dig the use of a refrain though, and the variation in the last line really drives the point of the poem home for a strong finish. Well done!

this is some powerful stuff. I think that the beginning until the line "As we're ground to fine dust" doesn't flow as nicely as the rest of the poem. I always feel weird giving feedback on poems that seem very close to the writers emotions because I'm definitely not trying to criticize your feelings or downplaying anything you have gone through. I love the repitition used with be quite and I was totally hooked once I got to the middle. I think with some minor word reworking people can be hooked right from the beginning 😊

I absolutely love the emotion behind this. Intensity in poetry is something I can absolutely get behind any day.

Your form is also interesting, overall I think you did well in this poem to convey a strong sense of pain. I hope everything is getting better for you

I like it! You craft a really interesting rhythm throughout the whole thing with varied rhyme scheme. For me, the strongest stanzas were the second, fourth, and tenth (counting the repeating refrain). In particular, the tenth is my favorite- it's simple, folkloric, and ultimately chilling. I think some parts could maybe use a bit more polishing, to make them stand out in their own right. I enjoyed your repeating lines, and felt they added to the content of the poem as a whole rather than coming across as a purely stylistic addition. Anyway, like I said, I like it, nice work!

I read this through multiple times, I really love this. I agree with some of the other comments that the only thing that could potentially improve is minor wording changes. This is really moving a beautiful.