Amber’s Virginia and Iris’s Virginity: A How-To Guide for Dummies For Preventing Emotional Intimacy

I’ve been on leave for 10 days enjoying some much needed bonding with my new home. I splurged on a very fancy automatic coffee maker as a housewarming present to MOI! my hubby has a 2019 ZR1. That is his baby, and the coffee maker is mine. Goo goo gah gah mama loves you, Pico. Just a touch of a button brings cappuccino right to my finger tips. Ya$$$$$ qu€€n ya$$$$$$$$$$. During my time off, I’ve been treating myself to at-home yoga on the daily in my PRINCESS PARLOR, which is starting to look very princess-ey. And because my mental wellness needs more of a boost than the average bear, I also upped my antidepressants (PTSD, OCD, and GAD) last week. My previous dose was working well, but I saw room for improvement...so there’s that. Yay for regular sleep!!! I will take the daytime drowsies over chronic insomnia any day...

Speaking of happy pills, did anybody catch a glimpse of Beth’s prescription bottle on her side of the bed? That’s exactly where I keep my lil happies, which leads me to believe that Beth is indeed taking something daily or regularly enough to warrant keeping it on her night stand. I wonder which prescription she’s on? I mean, it’s none of my business, but I never let etiquette impede my curiosity. And if I were a mental health professional (I’m not, I just play one on TV), I’d guess that she has Bi Polar Disorder and/or Multiple Personality Disorder...Please know that I’m not trying to make light of serious medical issues. I’m in no position to judge, and plenty of people are able to stabilize their mental health and go on to maintain healthy, non-toxic relationships. Beth isn’t one of those people though.

On that note, she and Jamie have amassed quite the rage-and-regret shrine on their kitchen island. I can’t help but wonder if they both have a flower fetish, but the only way they can justify the frequent expense is breaking up and making up a few times each week. Shit, I’ve been with my husband 5 years; we haven’t had half as many arguments during our entire relationship as they have had incendiary verbal attacks in 4 weeks. It’s alarming really. And funny. Because when they do the lovey “dicey” routine after each argument and build on their delusional framework with ever more delusions to lead them seamlessly into their next pitfall, I can’t help but be humored by their greedy lack of awareness and generous self-absorption. They need their own show after this so that I can get some good laughs when my body and soul are being drained on 12-hour shifts. They also need to be introduced to one of the greatest inventions ever known to mankind: Real-feel artificial flowers. Then again, at the rate they’re going, their living room is going to looking like a funerary wreath exploded inside of it by Decision Day, which is more or less appropriate and poetically fitting for this pair. Of course the coffee table will be gone by then, because corporate furniture isn’t built to withstand Chuck Norris impersonations and MMA-inspired tantrums. So there’s that...

If Beth literally flips a table, then Iris figuratively sets the whole house on fire. Like girl what was you thinking that you swallowing a quarter was a secret? Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense. No, Iris, tell us about the time that you and your best friend had a slumber party and you snuck a kiss. Or the time when you fellated a stranger in a bar...or outside of one...or that your love for anal is the real reason you won’t give your fine AF husband the V. Don’t nobody want to hear about that time in 2nd grade when you shoved a bean up your nose. Ugh. Keith’s dead-eye response said what my mouth could not directly communicate to Iris in that moment. If Dafuqs could kill, Iris would be ironically dafucked to death...and likely have her service in the funeral home that was once Jamie and Beth’s apartment.

Despite Iris’s unwillingness to be relatable and imperfect on camera, I still have hope for these two. I absolutely cannot say the same for Matt and Amber though. This marriage was DOA. Matt entered into it with his very own DNR, yet Amber is demanding that the experts give her a defibrillator. This hotationship is dunzo. And I think they know it, and by they of course I mean Matt. Amber knows it by proxy of wanting to be agreeable to Matt, but she has not internalized the reality of what is about to pass. These two are actually the most painful to watch, because Matt couldn’t care less, and Amber with her holy vagina is the Mother Theresa that Matt’s impoverished morals and blighted oaths neither hoped nor asked for. Except even her holy vagina hasn’t absolved them of her nagging abandonment issues. As an aside, I was surprised to hear Matt open his mouth and say things with depth during this episode. This is the first time I’ve actually felt any compassion towards him: he is a deep thinker, but it is impossible and impossibly suffocating to attempt a weighty conversation with somebody who indiscriminately agrees with everything you say.

I learned this lesson the hard way several years ago. I was dating a guy who, like Amber, was very nice, but who, also like Amber, was afraid to express his own opinion. After two months of dating and before things evolved into exclusivity, I realized that he always agreed with me. So I started making shit up: I’d make up the name of a band, say it was my favorite, and he would agree that this fictional band was his all-time favorite, too. I wasn’t doing this to play mind games; I just wanted confirmation that this guy was indeed kissing my ass. I was crestfallen when the reality became incontrovertible. How can you have a deep, meaningful conversation let alone a real connection if the other person is so desperate for your love that they have no standards, boundaries, and opinions? In the words of our lady Deonna of Love and Peace, I called the situationship off shortly thereafter, and I was very aggrieved about how he handled the “rejection”: he took it very hard even though we were only dating for two months.

And last but certainly not least, a round of applause to Deonna and Greg for being mature, responsible, loving adults. I am beyond excited for these two, and I hope they and Jambeth have corner apartments, but for vastly different reasons. I mean seriously, can you imagine what Jamie and Cybilabeth’s neighbors have to put up with? I can’t. And an extra special round of applause for Greg. Greg should be the poster child for self awareness: he confronted a behavioral issue, sought therapy, and now he can bring a happy and whole person into this newfound partnership with Deonna. Because that is what marriage is. It’s not a fairy tale. It’s not happily ever after. It’s building a future together, and in order to build a solid future, you have to have a solid foundation...because it will be no bed of roses if your foundation is built on a bed of penises and vaginas, because it would literally be a bed of penises and vaginas if you think about it, and you can’t compare male and female genitalia to stamens and petals. 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I can’t wait to see where D-G’s blossoming partnership takes them.