Why do you date? What makes it worth it?

attempting to fend off the existential dread of an uncaring universe.

To remain human. You need to socialize, have sex, get hurt, heal and live again. What's life if you refrain yourself from living?

Not dating currently (in a relationship w/ someone from OLD).

Things I enjoyed.

1. Meeting new people. My social group/work are all creatives. Which is fine, but I really liked meeting people from different walks of life (lawyers, teachers, coders, social workers) and backgrounds. You get to learn about new places, different ways of looking at things, perspectives, other music, books etc.

2. It's fun! Getting dressed up and going to nice places. Or going to an exhibition by someone you've never heard of. Or going to some local point of interest that you've been meaning to go to but just never got around to. What's not to like?

3. Self improvement. You bounce out of a LTR, work in a sedentary job, getting older, whatever it is... Often we can let things slide a bit physically. When I wanted to start dating again I knew I needed to drop a few lbs to give myself a better chance at attracting the type of woman I was interested in. It

4. Sex. Not everyone is looking for something serious / you have to figure out if you are compatible sexually. Sex is a fun enterprise.

5. Setting up dates. I may be in the minority here, but I actually kind of miss the swiping, matching, throwing out messages part of OLD. I always thought it was kind of exciting, enjoyed composing messages and jokes, enjoyed reading funny responses. Yeah, you'd get your few boring folks, but If I wasn't feeling the spark / they weren't making much effort, I'd unmatch.

Mostly though, and maybe this is the key, I am a fairly positive person. My life has been a roller-coaster of mental health issues, bad decisions, tragedy and difficulty. You do take a few knocks with OLD, but in the grand scheme of things they are minor. You can't index your self-respect to the validation of others. Know your strengths and play to them. Know your weaknesses and improve them.

Just get out there. Take the knocks. Get good photos, make an effort, be open to opportunities, take a chance on people, act in the best way that you can towards others. You won't - and can't be for everybody, in the same way everyone won't be for you.

I date because I would like to get married and have at least one kid. All my life I had people telling me because I have sensory processing disorder that I wasn’t going anywhere. I want to prove people wrong.

For hugs.

First off, it doesn't need to be hard work. Dating is what you make it. It's really just going for some drinks with some new people.

But I'm interested in what you find appealing, enjoyable, profound, meaningful, fun about dating.

I don't find it any of those things, particularly. Meeting someone you click with is certainly enjoyable but I don't date for the sake of dating, I date because I want to share my life with a partner.

I want someone to come home to, to curl up in bed with, to ski with, to have sex with, to cook with, to chat shit with. That's the aim of dating - to meet my person. That's why it's worth it. That person isn't just going to arrive in my house without me ever trying to meet or get to know new people.

Just like, I didn't do a degree because I fancied going to some lectures and writing some essays, I did it because I wanted that bit of paper at the end and the doors that it opened. I don't go to work because I really enjoy data protection law, I work because it gives me the means to do the things I actually enjoy.

If you don't feel the desire for a relationship, or for sex, then of course... there's no point in dating.

You asked in your followup comment what you're missing. It sounds like you, personally, aren't missing anything, or at least aren't aware that you are.

In my case, I find the apps to be an amusing time filler. I enjoy meeting people for the sake of meeting them. It doesn't feel like hard work to me because I don't bother to be anyone other than myself, nor trying to impress someone.

That said, let me tell you about my ex-husband. He sounds very much like you. When we met he hadn't been in a serious relationship in about 5 years. He was introverted to the point of being almost anti-social. When we moved to live on a farm 30 minutes from the nearest grocery store he thought he found the perfect life. He had no friends of his own and would increasingly turn down invites with me and my friends to stay home. By the time we divorced, we were living in town again. He forced himself to get out and meet people and now admits that the isolation of the farm was bad for him precisely because he liked it so much. It's hard work for him to be out of his comfort zone in meeting new people but he has improved his life, by his own standards, and it's worth it to him. And yes, he started dating again and now has what appears to be a wonderful new girlfriend who makes him happy.

For just that, the experience. When I came out of my married young failed marriage, I didn’t have any.

And OLD was WONDERFUL. I found food and wine and travel and conversation. I dated all races and religion across the globe.

Once I felt satiated, that ran its course and I started looking for a relationship.

This is when it sucked and where you see most of the frustration here.

The mixed intentions of everyone on the same platform set the stage for crossed wires ad infinitum.

Finding a partner is 10000 times harder than finding a one night stand (in my experience).

I faith that I will meet someone who will make all the past experiences worth the trek through the muck.

I’m also up to the challenge of not getting carried away with fantasies of a stranger being the one after a few dates. Ghosting and bad behavior remove the hard work of me extracting myself from someone’s life. I do not take it as hard as some people do.

Sure it sucks to make a connection and not hear from the person again, but I won’t let it sink me into despair. And as someone who used to plan weddings in my head after a few weeks in, this is a GREAT way to kill that dumb habit.

Is it possible I don’t find what I’m seeking (companionship, great sex, etc)? Perhaps, but if I sit on my ass and don’t get out there, the likelihood of that happening increases in a huge way. I’m not going to be upset that I’m not meeting anyone while sitting on my ass at home and bitching to everyone about it. Looking at you, coworkers.

Audience yells: I DON’T KNOW, WHY?

So you have 2 very different things here:

Why do you date?

looking for a relationship

Those really are 2 separate items. 1 may be required for the other, but not the other way around.

So I'm going to approach both of these as different topics.

Dating for me is fun. I get to meet new people, and do fun things with them (not always sex, but a plus when it happens) I don't do it to seek any validation or anything, but because I actually enjoy the process.

As for relationships this one is tricky. When I got into my 30's I decided I needed to have something more real. And I have a few times. Something feels right about actually opening up and being vulnerable with someone, to care for and love someone. Problem is, if it doesn't go well, it's also very emotionally draining if it doesn't go well. Which is why recovery time after something like this going wrong is important.

I'll post this here since I didn't want to clutter up the main post. Long story short, I don't date and never have. I enjoy being single and have a complete life that I enjoy for myself. I'm observing myself becoming more and more set in my ways as I build my life. I'm an adventurous tech dork and you can tell by the way my cheap, minimalist flat apartment looks. My lifestyle is becoming more and more incompatible with welcoming others in as time goes on.

Looking from my perspective here, starting dating now looks like it would be a lot of work for little return by the looks of it. What am I missing? I see a lot of the problems of dating here. But I'm interested in what you find appealing, enjoyable, profound, meaningful, fun about dating.

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dating and finding someone to date sounds like hard work

The dating part doesn't feel like work to me, but the finding part sometimes does. When I'm actively swiping and meeting new people, I choose to meet people with whom I've already had enjoyable interactions through messaging and I go into every first meeting optimistic that there will be mutual chemistry. Often there isn't, but I nearly always enjoy the conversation. When I feel burned out and unable to have this mindset, I take a break. Typically this happens as a result of meeting too many people in a row with whom I don't feel chemistry. That's when it begins to feel like "work" to me.

What makes it worth it (for me) is when I find mutual chemistry and we go on to have fun, romantic and/or sexy experiences together. I always learn A LOT and create valuable memories. This is true even if we shift away from "dating" and a more casual dynamic evolves. I'm generally happier when I have a compatible sex partner (or partners) in my life. Bonus points for romance. I love feeling romantically special to someone and feeling the same way about them.

I’m in a relationship, so I haven’t been doing dating or OLD, but I enjoyed the following:

• meeting and getting to know new people, learning about their lives and their interests/hobbies (I love when people are passionate about something and can teach me about it.)
• learning more about myself and better refining who I was ultimately looking for and why
• having interesting experiences: Before getting into dating at ~21, I didn’t ever think I would be interested in a FWB scenario... which lead me to my current GF.

Also, about the dating being hard based on reading this sub, remember that this sub may be biased towards the negative as people are coming to ask questions, ask for advice, or vent their frustrations about dating. Don’t get me wrong, there can be a lot to be frustrated about with concern to online dating, but it can also be equally fun at times as well.

There are definitely posts about people and their dating/relationship successes, especially on the posts about weekend updates and things. So, take what you see with a grain of salt. Everyone will have a different dating experience depending on who they are, where they are, what they look like, their personality, etc..

Finding someone *is* work. Keeping a relationship alive is a lot MORE work. So if the effort of dating seems daunting...

Its hard work if you think it is.

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It don't date. It is not worth it. That is why I commit and stay in monogamous relationships.

Because I want to feel normal, and conform to the norms expected of me. To avoid the stigma of being single, where you are looked down upon as parasitical, selfish and defective (a belief that I think is very flawed and unfair). I haven't found anything rewarding about it at all....but hasten to qualify that with "perhaps not yet". Unfortunately, for me at the moment it has been typified with false starts, emotional baggage and blackmail, and generally a high risk venture for what seems to be a fairly limited return of a commodity I cannot even be entirely confident as to the value of. The tedium of never matching up is immeasurably frustrating, my happiness is not and should not be contingent on someone else. Sex is ok. But like dessert, its not necessary.