Death is always on my mind.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this, or what I'm going to type, but for the moment, I'm not exactly suicidal. However, I think about death almost all the time.

I posted a very dark AskReddit before I knew about SuicideWatch, and the comments were enough to help me through that stage. I really appreciate what you guys do, and it gives me hope that maybe there is more to life than just existing.

I just need to get some things off my chest. I'm like most people nowadays, down on my luck, dead-broke, unable to get a decent job. It's a huge part of why I'm usually suicidal. I don't like that I can't fix this situation no matter how hard I try.

My problem is that I feel like a nobody. Because of my condition, I didn't make too many friends in my life. Friends are the key, or at least a huge part of how other people become successful. It's not so much about what you can do, it's about who you know. I'm living proof. I only have a handful of real friends (people I talk to 1 on 1 at least once a month or so).

I'm not very good at communication. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I think my short-term memory is shot because of PTSD. No one should have to go through what I went through. Most of my pain was described in my previous reddit post.

I just don't know what to do. I want to promote my music. I seem to have a gift. I can bullshit my way on a piano. It's hard to describe. I can sit down and play music. Most of the time I won't even know what I play until I play it.

I've recorded over 30 hours of piano music and no one really wants to listen to it. I'm not asking people to listen to everything, I just would like feedback on the music I write. I also write electronic music. It all can be listened to on my website for free. I also started trying to promote myself by posting in r/listentothis.

Someone bought my track "Pristine" from my Bandcamp page. It made me ecstatic. In all of the years I've been doing music, this was the first time someone said "hey, this guy wrote a song that I am willing to purchase". It made me happy.

I prefer to give my music away for free, but I need financial support. I've written over a hundred songs easily in my life. Music flows right out of me. I just need guidance. I need someone to control my talent, because I don't know how to.

I'm drifting from why I'm posting this. Things are pretty good right now. The medication I take seems to help with depression, but I still have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I'll just sit at my piano desk, close my eyes, and pretend I'm holding a gun and pull the imaginary trigger against my temple.

A big part of me simply wants to not exist anymore. I'm not comfortable in my own body. Asperger's Syndrome makes it so my senses are easily overloaded, especially touch. I can't even rub my own palms together without feeling a ticklish painful sensation. I have to wear loose clothing because otherwise I feel it all the time. I rarely shower because I'm both afraid to change my clothing, and I become extremely hypersensitive to touch afterward.

Right now I'm OK, but I just feel like I'm going to lose it one day and just kill myself. I used to feel it all the time before the medication. There has to be some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain, and that only upsets me more.

I'm basically a victim of my brains own imbalance. It doesn't matter what I want from life, my brain is going to tell me to kill myself. I've always been this way, even as a kid. I made promises to teachers in school that if my father died, I would kill myself. I was only a kid, maybe 12 years old, possibly younger.

My father died when I was 16, and I'm still here. Part of me kicks myself for breaking the only promise I ever made.

I just need to get these things off my chest. I've been coming to reddit for a few months and I am just awe-struck by how awesome you guys can be (and slightly annoyed with the treatment of people with Aspergers on this site, but hey, takes all kinds). I'm not going to kill myself, but I think about it a great deal. Practically all the time. It just seems like the logical thing to do.

I guess I just need to start making money. If I make money, I'll be stable, and if I'm stable financially, I should be OK emotionally. My entire life I've never known financial stability. I grew up in the projects on welfare with an abusive mother and a father that gave up after she died.

Because I was kept home from school most of the time, I didn't get a good education, and I have no idea how to handle my money (although I went through bankruptcy and part of it was having to take a course on finances, which helped a great deal).

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.