I think I'm ment to go soon

I feel like I need to go soon, Taking all my quentapine (seraqual) and falling asleep in the bath. And drowning. Going to sleep. My trail goes to court next month, my whole family are against me, it's the pain I carry everyday knowing my family is protecting my brother who sexually abused me as 5-6 year old. I don't think I can mentally handle the stress and paranoia. My father told me I was a mistake, my partner said im so fucking tragic, and it would be easier if I gave everyone a break and killed myself, among other things related to my fucked up behaviour and perception on my reality, BPD and cptsd. I cut myself (trying to stop but I relapse when I'm Under stress and pressure from court case and relationship) but it seems like it's only a bandaid for my pepurtual pain, I know it would be better when I die permanently in this reality, it's not my life, it's not my pain, it has to be wrong, everything is wrong and I need to permanently hit reset. I think I'm going to real soon, I might even this afternoon. Get it over with, don't say just do. Thankyou for listening....