Source
r/JustNoTalk•
weirdcc

My In-laws Called Our Church

Parents

I thought I was done posting. I have been no contact with my in-laws since March. D(ear)H has essentially been NC since July or August, a few weeks after DD2 was born.

We are planning DD2's baptism. We finally got confirmation on a date from our church. In that call the deacon also told us that they have had several calls and emails to the church office, the priest, and the deacon from my MIL and FIL trying to find out the date we have set for the baptism. Thank goodness the church has had family issues before so they have not told the in-laws anything.

DH is freaking out. He didn't think they would go behind our backs like this. (I had an inkling). He now thinks that they will show up at our church at some point to confront us. We need a solid plan for when that happens.

Doing something like this has pushed the possibility of reconciliation far away. I do not understand why just-nos think the things they do will make it better. They really have no regard for our feelings and what it must be like for us.

We are sitting down with our priest and deacon to go over how we want to handle everything and maybe get some counseling from the church's perspective. We will approach the counseling with caution as at this point contact with the in-laws is not healthy.

The other smaller things they have done:

• call and never leave a message • text me on my dad's birthday and not on my own (insulting based on our history) • send a package for my kids once a month or so with things we don't need (that are super ugly) • sent DH a text with a picture of them (MIL, FIL, BIL) saying 4 people are missing. They love all of us and miss all of us. They will never give up. All three of them had big smiles on their face. (This one was super creepy).

We are not sure how far they will go as it has been a long time of them doing barely anything. I wish they would leave us alone so DH can have some peace. He struggles with anxiety so the unknown is particularly hard on him.

Posted Oct 30, 2019, 9:48 PM UTC

18611
butidontwannasignup•

May I gently suggest looking into security for the baptism? Unfortunately, quite a few synagogues and mosques regularly need to hire off duty police officers, so you could probably contact your local LEO. Speak to the deacon and priest first, of course.

92
adaja86•

And also anything that comes through the mail from them don't bother opening it just return to sender right away and block their numbers and block them on all social media platforms

10
Lindris•

You need to ask the church what they would do about evicting your inlaws should they try to crash. Anyone you can bring along as security who wouldn’t be afraid of kicking them out and keeping them away from you and both DDs? Or would the church be ok with a private baptism outside of services?

Consider sending a C&D to them. A church is private property and they do not have the right to simply crash and force a meeting. I would let them know if they try to do this, you’ll be looking into a RO.

37
DollyLlamasHumanShe/Her•

Definitely speak to your priest and deacon before hiring an off-duty police officer because this could create a shitty situation for them with the parish council if it isn't handled carefully. (I speak from experience as a pastor's wife.)

With your husband, draft a letter explaining that they are in time-out for [insert period of time that includes the baptism] and they are not to contact you during that time, basically a cease and desist letter for [x period of time]. Send it as a certified letter so that they have to sign for it and you get a copy of the proof that they have received it. When you get the card back showing that they've signed for it and received it, make a copy. This will be important later.

When you meet with your priest and deacon regarding the baptism, show them this letter and explain that you are worried about them disturbing the baptism and creating a scene. Tell them that you'd like to hire an off-duty police officer to quietly take them outside to avoid disturbing what will be going on in the sanctuary. Get them on your team for this because if your in-laws are members of the church, they can probably start complaining about how [insert priest's name] and [insert deacon's name] called the cops on them. Have your priest and deacon alert the parish council to the actual situation and get the parish council on your side.

If you are allowed to get an off-duty police officer for that day, you need to give them a copy of the letter and the card showing that they've signed for the letter. (There is a name for that card, and I can't think of it at this moment--it's been a long day.) This functions as proof that they have been notified that they are not invited to be there. Give the officer a picture of them so that the officer can take them aside, inform them that they are not invited, and that they need to leave. Work out with your priest ahead of time where the officer can take them so that they will not be near where the baptism is occurring. If they protest, the officer can handle it while you are inside having your kiddo baptized.

29
brutalethyl•

This sounds like great advice. The only thing I'd do differently is to get a lawyer to send the C&D letter. OP and DH should probably remain completely NC and going through a lawyer might cost a couple hundred bucks but it's better to go through a third party. That way it'll all be nice and legal too.

22
DollyLlamasHumanShe/Her•

Definitely! Thank you for suggesting that.

7
brutalethyl•

You're welcome. :)

And I bet you have some doozies to tell. I wish there was a r/TalesFromThePreacher'sWife. I'd read it!

9
G8RTOAD•

Ok now that you’ve got the date, do you have any potential flying monkeys that would inform the. In-laws of the date?.

If you do then mighty I suggest that you let that potential FM overhear you talk about the date and ensure that it’s 2-3 weeks later than what it is. At least that way you won’t have to stress over the possibility of them gate crashing the event if they are in fact warned off the potential fake date.

12
Working-on-it12•

If the priest is up to speed on the crazy, is there any way he would consent to a private baptism? Yes, the big part of baptism is "Welcome to the Church.", but, given the crazy, "pastoral discretion" can be a factor. After all, my church baptizes several babies together. You could argue that you didn't want to ruin anyone else's experience.

8
BerkeleyFarmGirl•

I think this is a great option and would keep the possibility of everyone else at the church being socially engineered for "when's the next baptism"/played for sympathy and info 'poor us we just want to see our grandbaby'. Because unfortunately I think that's the next step (parish council, KoC, that sort of thing ... that or whining up to the diocese about it). They will try to find someone in the parish who likes to talk. They might even call up pretending to be inquiring/"forgotten the date!".

Re their showing up for services, it is definitely time to get the PC and the ushers involved for a safety/action plan.

The "we don't want anyone else's to be disrupted either" is a good angle.

3
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