[2755] The Tone Order

“So, that was his only condition?” The inspector by the doctor’s side asked in a commanding tone, making absolutely certain he got all his facts right.

Where are we? I think we’re still in that monitoring room, but it’s been two paragraphs of summary since we got any scene. You’re trying to do a smooth non-transition back, which is a technique I love, but I don’t quite think you’ve stuck the landing here. Make the distance between your scene points a lot smaller, the story could use less summary as a whole anyway.

“Yes,” Rozanne answered with a hint of a voice, feeling slightly nauseated at her compliance.

Either you’re missing a word (“a hint of disgust in her voice”) or trying to say that she said it quietly (in which case, this is a cool but probably not worth-it way to say that). Either way, clean it up.

For one, physically forcing the inmates to conduct the experiment would only bring her misfortune, since she had already proven that the subject’s clear state of mind had a strong correlation with its survival rate. Secondly, it was not feasible to ask for other inmates since the Adjustment Center carried out myriad of other illegal human research. And third, Rozanne simply saw it as a decent price to pay. If this crazed lunatic offered her the answer to her long-life dream, she would marry him for all she cared.

These justifications are a mixed bag for me. The first one feels like a lame, abstract excuse. The second one is fine I guess, but it also sorta just comes back to a logistical problem. The third one though, now that is interesting. Sure “will pay any price for my dream” isn’t the most original character trait in the world, but it is a character trait, the strongest one we’ve gotten so far. These are the kinds of details that matter, not background checks or the stock of death row inmates. Ideally, every single sentence in your story is doing at least double duty. A detail ought never be just a brush-stroke on a painting, it should also, in the same motion, be about a character or a metaphor or conflict stakes or whatever.

Agreeing to such severe conditions while also delaying his part of the contract post-factum indicated to Rozanne his strong will which gave her hope in the man.

A few things here. First, I don’t think I’ve ever seen post-factum used outside of a legal work. There are more efficient ways to say this anyway, “putting his life on the line with no reward until after the test indicated…” for example. I also don’t quite see how this constitutes a “strong will”. To me, this reads as either stupidity (since he probably could have asked to have sex with Rozanne before the test and everyone would have signed off on it anyway) or just plain thirst (considering what he’s asking for at all).

“Perhaps, he can do it.” And perhaps, that was the real reason why Rozanne agreed to his condition in the first place.

Two things. First, why the italics? Thought italics just make me think you were too lazy to figure out a better way to express a character’s thoughts. “She thought he could do it” is a simple alternative, though honestly you don’t really need it in this case at all. The previous sentence implies her thoughts plenty well enough.

Second, why does this have to be the real condition Rozanne agreed? It feels like is betrays her previous characterization in a subtle little way. Theoretically, she should want him to fail the test, assuming that she does not want to have sexual contact with a random death row inmate. On the other hand though, she also wants him to succeed so that she can learn new things about the Blue Coffee. That sounds like the recipe for a nice spicy internal character conflict to me.

The discovery of the ancient Egyptian chalice dated back to the mid-sixteenth century when a German archaeologist named Eric Wenzil had found it by accident in the ruins of Giza. Since then, it had been examined by German scientists for nearly four centuries. It was only during World War II when things started to shift in another direction. At that time, the German lead researcher of the Blue Coffee had proclaimed a sudden change of heart that resulted in him fleeing his country and handing the artifact over to the British Empire as a token of his loyalty. That side of history was recognized by the higher-ups and Rozanne Hayden alike, and yet only the latter knew it was somewhat untruthful. The researcher had never gone through a change of heart as he proclaimed. In all actuality, he sensed the upcoming defeat of his country and quickly chose to abandon the sinking ship. Rozanne recognized this because that man was her own father. By seeking his “enemy”, the late Dr. Egon Hayden was only then able to move on with his goal.

Cut this paragraph. This is exactly the kind of information I do not need or want to know at this early stage, or perhaps ever.

“Exactly father, it’s like you told me. Only a fool would sever ties with an enemy unless it leads to a substantial gain. Paul, don’t think by playing your games that you defeated me. There’s no defeat, because you’re not my enemy. I will simply seek you the same way father sought Britain.” Rozanne’s eyes brightened while thinking back on her father’s words. As she kept staring at Thomas Donovan, the inmate finally reached for the chalice in front of him. At that brief moment, Rozanne’s eyes, just like an infant, started to exude a blinding glimmer.

Who is Paul? Is Paul Rozanne’s father? Who is saying this? You say Rozanne is thinking back to her father’s words, which makes me assume that this quote is in fact from her father. But the quote reads more as someone (probably Rozanne) summarizing their father’s words.

They spoke the words to her mind from behind the screen, “I did it!” She extrapolated before reaching a faint smile herself, finally abandoning her mask of indifference.

Who is they? Who is behind what screen?

Her face appeared much younger than her age—Rozanne Hayden was a fifty-two-year-old British lady of German descent who had lived the thriving portion of her life in France.

This is just about the most boring way you could express this information. Show don’t tell is holy writing doctrine for a reason. First ask “does this detail matter?” Then ask “’how can I show this detail instead of telling it?” Can you have her reminisce on her old Paris apartment with a view of the Louvre? Can she hear the echo of her mother’s harsh German in her ears during times of stress? Starting to think in this way is one of the biggest level-ups you can have in writing, push yourself to give it a shot.

“He will be alright,” Rozanne answered calmly, while observing the screen. “Only for a short while. It also seems he can’t realize it.”

The second part of this dialog is a bit confusing. What is the “it” that Donovan can’t realize?

“His eyes. So it was third-degree after all...” Dr. Rozanne said, face hardly showing any sign of agitation.

“Third-degree” means nothing to me, in a bad way. Don’t use techno-babble buzzwords if you don’t have to. If you feel like you’ve written yourself into a situation where you have to, change things until you don’t.

It looked to the inspector as if a noose was wrapping itself around his neck. But to Dr. Rozanne, it looked as if the elated Donovan was conversing with an angel.

It’s only a tiny thing, but it can become an issue in omniscient stories, keep the characters on their own lines. This one would carry more weight if the lines were separated at, “But to Dr. Rozanne…” The first line is also confusing, it is literal or a metaphor? I can’t really picture this scene in my mind because the description is so strange. I’d just cut out it altogether and write, he was choking.

Feigning ignorance to his question, Rozanne maintained her eyes to the monitoring screen.

Over description. The writing is exhausting the reader again, it would be greatly improved by cutting it down to size. Strong verbs. Feigning ignorance can just become, ignoring. Maintained her eyes can become, watched.

There is an overreliance on description, the reader is drowning in it throughout the whole story. The rare bits of action are intriguing, but they’re bogged down by the description.

I want to move onto the dialogue, as its fine alone, but the over description taints it.

“He will be alright,” Rozanne answered calmly, while observing the screen. “Only for a short while. It also seems he can’t realize it.”

Adverbs in dialogue should be unnecessary. The writing has already stated she’s staring at the screen, and the reader can feel the inflection of her voice when she replies. ‘He will be alright’ already sounds calm, which is good.

“His eyes. So it was third-degree after all...” Dr. Rozanne said, face hardly showing any sign of agitation.

Rozanne’s dialogue characterises her as a very cold person that’s experienced this same scene many times before. The characters aren’t given space to breathe, their every move is described, it doesn’t allow me to form my own conclusions about them.

Rozanne’s dialogue characterises her, but the descriptions don’t. I’m being told what to think. When I read Rozanne’s line alone, with simply Rozanne said, she comes across as cold and I can picture her emotionless face.

“So, these are third-degree symptoms?” The inspector stared at the screen and contemplated the prisoner’s face.

Just stared at the screen, the reader can tell he’s looking at the prisoner. The intention of an obvious action is being decried too much throughout this story, stick with the action, the reader will glean the intention for themselves. That’s part of the fun.

“Withhold information?” Rozanne repeated in confusion. “I already told you everything. People who gets rejected by Blue Coffee reacts in different ways. The mouth, the nose, and the eyes,” the doctor said as she used her fingers to indicate each part. “These are the routes the Blue Coffee takes to exit from a body. Most subjects would simply vomit the liquid then black out. And if they try to resist, the liquid might then enter their lungs, resulting in their swift death. That’s why we pick our subjects carefully and make sure they are calm both in body and spirit. These two symptoms are barely noticeable. Your best bet is to simply wait for a minute or two, and if nothing happened, claim the experiment a success. However, a third degree symptom is easily identifiable, since you can easily check the patient’s eyes. The white sclera absorbs a dark shade of blue after the liquid makes its way there through the retina. Thomas Donovan’s eyesight wouldn’t function properly as of right now. Still, somehow, he doesn’t realize it. Regardless, his head should explode from the sheer pressure inside his skull. So in the end, Thomas Donovan, regardless of his efforts, will be categorized as a failure.”

Don’t use characters as exposition dumps, especially dialogue. It doesn’t feel natural, and its boring. This is a big block. Before anything, the reader will immediately see this big block and sigh. They won’t want to continue. I didn’t. I’d remove this, it ruins the suspension of disbelief, as it reminds them it’s a story, and this is exposition. Cut away obvious exposition. If a character does talk for a while, split their dialogue by just adding a new line.

The story increases in quality towards the end, this is because there is little to no exposition, and the action and characters finally take centre scene. It becomes interesting and less painful to read. Also, the writing is simpler. The moment where Donovan’s head explodes is probably the highlight of this excerpt, it would make for an attention-grabbing hook.

“Donovan didn’t feel the smallest bit of pain until he passed away. After studying the Blue Coffee and having tried to understand its meaning for years, I believe it is a medicine of some sort; a spiritual remedy. Its judgment reflects that of a human; it values life.

Rozanne isn’t an interesting character in this story. I couldn’t recall her goals, so I had to reread the infodumps in the opening paragraphs to try and find them. I admit, I am still confused. Is she the, carry on my father’s work type? This is a cliched character every reader has seen a thousand times. She’s cold, calculating and unphased by her experiment’s lethality. Her only expression of emotion is her disgust at Donovan’s proposition and one smile. While cold characters are fine, they are tricky to work with, because they show no emotion. You can’t really stage them. The story doesn’t really pose any questions as to why Rozanne is like this? Is she a psychopath? Why is she like this? Did she have poor relationships with her parents? Her father? What about her mother? Is the cold exterior a farce? I can’t see these questions.