I am a piece of shit part 2

I posted something here yesterday. Here's the link to that post https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/e3y4g2/im_a_piece_of_shit/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Quick note, a lot of people were telling me to go tell friends I apologise face to face. Didnt say it but shes an online friend. My only and best friend is an online friend. Kinda sad.

Honestly I actually looked forward to posting this here and hearing peoples advice so here I am again.

I decided yesterday that I would show that post to my parents using an different account (my main account) and see via the redacted.

In essence they said OP (me) didnt deserve the life they were blessed with and probably would do better for society if they did kill themselves.

Idk, felt like they knew it was me. They say that sorta shit to me anyway. Always have always will.

It's gonna sound stupid but all my problems started the day I was born. I was perfectly on time, as per doctors predictions and I was a small child (6lb 14oz I believe) but I was a forced c-section so my parents assumed there was something wrong with me.

Ever since then I've been the least favourable of the family. Last to mind. They don't care for me. Last time my mum said she loved me was on my 13th birthday; 5 years ago.

I know your thinking, why doesn't he (I) just leave? I don't have any money. I don't have any irl friends. My relatives are stuck in the same mindset. I don't have anywhere to turn. And again, if everyone else can deal with it maybe I'm the problem?

That's what they tell me, anyway. They have for a very long time. I started out believing it when I was younger. About high school I decided it was high time I started having some self respect. So I challenged it a bit. But constantly being told that you're shit gets to you eventually and you start to believe it. Defo feels that way a lot.

Honestly, my family isn't dysfunctional or anything. They just don't like me whatsoever. "Atleast you didn't have an absent father/mother", you may say. I wish I did. Being the scapegoat of their anger gets me beaten a lot. My dad is stressed? Beat me. My mum is sad? Beat me. My brothers argue? Beat me. That doesn't just stop at my nuclear family though. My uncles will hit me for the sake of it.

I stood up to it last week. My mum was pissed and told me (after a while of arguing) to go kill myself. I said, flippantly, "Yeah I will". Big mistake. My dad came down with the belt this time. He hit me a couple of times. This is where I went mad. He put it down for a moment to hit me with his hand and I picked it up.

I decided the best way to get to them was to hit myself. So three or four times, I whipped myself with my belt, laughing all the way through. Kinda psychotic, I know, but it did freak them out a bit.

I regret it though. It hurts a lot and I'm very scared that itll get worse. I'd rather just end it than live with pain. Other people have nicer shower thoughts. These are mine, minus the shower, the warmth and any randomness.

Tell me what you wanna here about next time. It's kinda nice having something to look forward to I guess.

Edit: gtg for now but when I return I'll respond to every comment I can