Questioning my identity
Something in me finally clicked today. Something that felt very similar to how I felt when I finally admitted to myself that I was bi.
I didn't know about all the egg stereotypes when I was younger, despite having many good friendships with people in the LGBT community, so I always saw myself as just a sensitive and somewhat eccentric guy - I would have never applied the label "feminine" to myself. And yet...
All my sketchbooks are filled with beautiful long-haired girls who happen to look an awful lot like me. I can count the number of male characters I've played in an RPG on one hand. I would smash The Button. I have a habit of acting super girly when drunk. I have, in fact, gone dress shopping with a friend once, which of course I did as "le funneh joek" and not because I genuinely wanted to try one on, no! Of course not!
I don't know what triggered it, but it feels like all of this has suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel genuinely dizzy and unsure of myself. Do I actually like being a dude, or did I just learn to deal with it? I don't know if I feel dysphoric about my body, but when I picture myself as a girl, I get this tight feeling in my chest like my heart is gonna burst and all I want to do is just hold on to the image. Is that what it feels like when you're trans?
I guess what I'm asking is, where can I go from here? What is the best way to explore these feelings further?
Posted Dec 5, 2019, 4:00 AM UTC
I don’t know if anything you’ve said didn’t line up with what I think. When I read the part where you think you’re a girl and you get that feeling, I’ll tell you why I connect with that.
When I think about it, what I would look like, what I would wear, who I’d be, anything that I could think of along those lines, I usually just smile, really really widely. I can’t control that, it just happens. It doesn’t happen every time, it doesn’t happen if I feel like I force it. I am usually unconscious when I’m that drunk, and up until I am I always feel like I’m holding back.
This is the word I used for it for a while, I’m sure there are better ones, but it’s giddy. The smile, the tight feeling, something to hold on to. For me the tight feeling isn’t tight, it’s like a release of energy from my chest out to my body. Like full body exhilaration. That feeling makes me tighten up, I just cling on to anything around me, if nothing is there I just fold into my chest. My hands tighten to a fist, and after a few seconds it slowly starts going away.