Source
r/BPDlovedones•
TrueObservations

I hate how weak the pwBPD in my life are

I am currently dating someone with BPD who actually has pretty well managed BPD. When she gets into the big BPD feels, she manages to just say "I need to feel my feelings right now" and feels them in a responsible way that doesn't involve blowing up on me. Honestly, some of the best managed BPD I've seen period.

However, her BPD feels manifest horribly in her ability to do challenging things. For instance, if she needs to look for a job, if we need to get up early & moving for a bus or flight, if plans change rapidly, if she gets a cold she falls apart and can't rise to the task, at least not with a ton of pushing from me. The level of resilience she has for the stresses of everyday life in general is in the lower quartiles.

I also have a few friends with BPD. I'm not best friends with these people, but I know them well enough to have had depended on them a few times for things like social engagements. I have experienced the exact same pattern of falling apart under stress from them and many of them are into their 30s already.

Honestly, it makes me roll my eyes all the way into the back of my head. Life is challenging for everybody, and having the burden of a loved one with BPD fall apart at the tiniest life challenge means you have to shoulder the extra weight and that is exhausting.

I believe for me personally, a reckoning is coming soon. I do love her, and I'm proud that she's able to manage her feelings very well, but I am going to have to say "carry your own weight and become functional, or we're done". I am not going to live forever and can't shoulder someone my whole life. I understand it's not really pwBPDs fault that they got the disorder, but personal responsibility is something everyone has to take, and my line in the sand is getting drawn soon.

Does anyone else experience chronic helplessness from the pwBPD in their lives? Has anyone seen this change for the better?

Posted Dec 11, 2019, 3:50 PM UTC

86
wantmysoulbackDated•

I think this is pretty eye opening also. Like i really hoped my exBPD would have been able to manage her feeling like that. I was thinking things would work out then. But your point is really good. They still need that pushing and helping and when you need to push and help then like a child all the time, it also tears the carrier apart. Damn.

I think there is not just a working BPD at all.

7
hambscMarried•

Has anyone seen this change for the better?

There is scientific studies and evidence out there pointing that BPD symptoms can recede with age, and I can attest that my sis has made slight glacial progress over the last 3 decades.

In short, can they get better? Maybe sometimes, yeah. But by the time they seem better they'll most likely be at retirement age or later. Sounds like yours needed a career like, yesterday.

Kudos to her to regulating her BPD on some level, but what they need is to regulate real life. This they cannot do because if you've done any reading on the subject, everyone repeats that they are emotional toddlers.

5
apa-theistNon-Romantic•

My friend wBPD couldn't do the simplest of tasks on her own. Required her ex to drive her everywhere, run errands with her, appropriated all of his hobbies and social circles... Then blamed him for her feeling like she has no independence.

3
dule6365Dated•

Damn this hits home. I always wonder why my ex always mention the importance of her trying to be independent when we were in a relationship.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
ThoreauIsCool•

My exwBPD is similar. She didn't get sick often but she was always tired or complaining about various physical ailments. An erratic sleeping schedule, too. Her boss would let her work from home so often that I honestly couldn't help but wonder if she would be replaced.

I was fine with doing most of the driving, etc., but it's true that the slightest difficulty or change of plan would cause her to shut down or begin asking me every five minutes if I was "going to get mad."

We once missed the lightrail after a night at the bar. I just stood there, figuring if we should walk to the next stop, while she just kept freaking out.

I feel some compassion for BPDs in this area because they do suffer from somatic disturbances. As a bit of a homebody myself, I wasn't about to suggest I need to date somebody who's jumping out of airplanes or something. But any sort of physical activity, like me wanting to wander a bit to take photos or go hiking, caused her to think I was losing interest in her.

1
TrueObservationsOP•

Erratic sleeping schedule: Check

Somatic/Stress Induced Physical Ailments Constantly: Check

Changes of Plan Inducing Internal Panic or Other Strong Reaction: Check

I have compassion for BPDs too. Thus I've been pushing my pwBPD to fight on into the fray more and it's been helping her develop a stronger mettle. I think with many BPDs, they grew up with some caretaker who was Jekkyl/Hydish that didn't push them to a high standard of resilience, so often that falls on the person in the relationship with the BPD.

I think if the pwBPD is not actually tearing your life apart, has their condition managed well enough to where they are using something like Dialectical Behavior Therapy to manage their emotions and communicate their process to you, and can realize they need to take personal responsibility for the path forward, it can be worth sticking with them. I think mine is, but only time will tell.

1