Thank you, knowing that I'm not the only one going through this and there's someone who understands helps a lot :)

I feel like this most of the time too. I can’t figure out how to control it, and it seems like the harder I try the worse it gets.... Sorry, I know how bad it sucks. But at least we’re not in it alone!

Thank you, I think that's what I needed to hear right now. That there's another option.

I used to have this, and I still do sometimes.

I'm pretty sure my 73-year-old father committed suicide because of it.

To address it, try to reassess your underlying assumptions:

- You periodically hurt people
- You want to be good to them
- So you (1) push them away or (2) contemplate suicide

Laid down in this manner, splitting and suicide seem almost logical. But they're not. What's so bad about periodically hurting people? We all make mistakes. You're not perfect. No one is. Accept that hurt is inevitable. Apologize when apologies are due. 

And, yes, you're a good person (or at least you try to be). But that doesn't mean that you have to remove yourself from the equation whenever you hurt someone. You don't have to burn down the house to roast the pig. Accept that doing nothing is also an option. (eg X hurt you or you hurt X, but you let it go).

It gets better. Just learn to accept that life is messy and hurt is inevitable.

Thank you, I've tried asking people if it is too much and often it is and they'd rather remove themselves from my life, so I'm still struggling a bit with setting boundaries to what I share with others. I'll try following your advice, though :).

What I do with the few people I managed to get close to is.. sort of implicitly make them promise me repeatedly that they'll tell me if it ever gets too much for them to handle. Hearing that helps a tiny bit, to the point where I can at least *sometimes* open up to them. I also find that it gets better the more people you have in their lives, since that way you can sort of rotate through them to avoid feeling like too much of a burden on any one person.

A classic mistake I made in my past is affixing myself to exactly one person and desiring them to listen to every single thought I had, while shutting out everybody else from my life. But this is not a viable approach, and the issue is especially that if you end up splitting on them, you're left with nobody to talk to at all to work through those feelings. If you have more than one person, especially from different walks of life, you always have a neutral / third opinion.

Absolute loneliness is definitely not the solution, and both of

I'm trying to do that, cut myself off of people's lives, but then having no one to talk to, to share how I feel is destroying me inside. I feel so lonely.

I know what you mean. I've sort of learned to cope with it by cutting myself off and putting on a smile, only showing my distress in private or online. I can barely even talk to my therapist about what's going on inside my head because I don't want to feel like I'm being a drama queen. (And yes, I know this is not a healthy coping mechanism, but it's a learned one from not wanting to be a burden on everybody anymore)

I feel like I'm a manipulative monster. I feel like all I do is make people worry about me or feel so bad they talk to me out of pity, and everyone else eventually leaves. I feel like I make my family and my friends suffer with my pain. I make them feel guilty when I start crying over something stupid they did with no intention to hurt me. It's hard to tolerate me, I see them exhausted sometimes. And I don't want to be that, I don't want to do that, but I don't know how to control it.

I just want to stop hurting people.

DAE feel like all you do is hurt people around you?