Not at risk, just wanted to share
Hi Reddit. I've been a fan of this site (and SuicideWatch) for years now, but have not been active for a while now, mainly due to the time it was taking up and the fact that every second homepage link was about someone's cat. Anyway, I felt it would help me if I shared my story with this community. Be warned, it's long, but it's important to me to write (I love to write).
I've been depressed on-off for a year now. It had never been bad enough (I thought) to warrant me to see my doctor about it, but things have happened over the year that really damaged my sense of self-worth.
I don't have a bad life, but I'm going through a bad time right now. I'm a medical student (aiming to specialise in psychiatry) entering my final year. We had exams a few weeks ago, which I put in almost 300 hours of study for. I passed with a good mark, but in the midst of everyone's post-exam euphoria I actually spiralled downwards.
Maybe it was the weight of thinking about how I could possibly survive my final year (and final exams), or the fact that I realised that during my 2 weeks of holidays, I only had a tiny handful of friends care enough to get in touch with me.
It seems, unfortunately, that when you're not on Facebook, people do actually forget about you. Those few that hadn't, however, have been phenomenal.
The fact that I am awful with relationships is also heavy on my mind. Most of my friends are girls, but actual girlfriends are extremely rare. My self-esteem has never been very good, and in a large way I've not had a lot of opportunities to meet people. There was one a month ago that I met while away on a rural rotation. We hit it off amazingly, and even went out on a sort-of-date, but she was already in a relationship. That feels like the most bullshit thing in the world because, well, what can you do?
I feel I don't have any supports at all. I live away from home in a different city, with few actual friends that I've maintained. My sister, who I love, is away overseas. My family is split and there are a lot of issues there. And, the uni faculty is notorious for being incredibly discompassionate and incompetent at taking care of its students in an academic way. They emailed me yesterday because don't have (they lost) some important mark-sheets that I handed in June, and do I have copies? (Fuck no I do not, but can't they do their jobs properly?)
I need to survive through this course for another year and then I'm out working. But I have no idea what that will mean? New interns don't have an easy life, and it'll still be a few years before I can pursue a specialty I enjoy (or hope to enjoy, because who knows how burnt out I'll be by then). These seem like very tentative years that I don't like to think about.
Luckily, I know I can get better. I've started antidepressants and psychology, so please don't worry about me too much. I am not at risk, I just wanted to put words on paper so I can collect these issues and share them with you. Due to what I'm going through, I'd like to stick around and talk to others as well.
Thanks for reading,
Posted Dec 6, 2010, 6:40 PM UTC
Hi, I just read your post. A couple of things came to mind.
First, you're not going to have any problem finding women once you graduate. There are going to be tons of ladies interested in you. Take a look around at the docs you already know and look at the number of them married to amazing women. I can introduce you to some of my friends who have women they really don't deserve, simply because they have a "d" and "r" in front of their name. Since you have plenty of female friends, that isn't going to be an issue as some of them are likely just waiting in the wings. And, I bet you already know that.
Second, maybe it's a good thing you don't have a love interest. It sounds like school is a lot to handle, and do you really have time/mental fortitude/desire to have a girlfriend right now? It sure doesn't sound like it. It sounds like to me you have purposely friend-zoned women so you can focus on your studies.
As a side note, THANK YOU for considering psychiatry. Where I live, there is a two-month waiting list to see a psych doc, if you can get into anyone at all. The best docs here are getting $300 an hour and don't take insurance, so their overhead is low. You're going to make a ton of money, be helping oodles of people, and be making society a better place to live.
The future is bright and everything is going to be okay.