What did you get out of therapy?
People who have been in therapy after ending a relationship with an exwBPD, how did it go and what's the most valuable thing you got from it? Was it being able to just vent your feelings safely? Did the therapist have some good suggestions or make you realize something important you wouldn't have realized on your own?
I thought I was doing fine so I just tried dating again. Then I realized that I'm in fact not fine and would probably benefit from therapy. Do you guys have any advice for me how I should approach therapy? For example, should I prepare for the meetings and think beforehand what I want to talk about or just go and see what happens? Thanks!
Posted Jan 6, 2020, 12:11 PM UTC
815
The first thing my therapist asked me was "What do you want to get out of therapy?" My answer was to learn how to cope with my PTSD, stop thinking about my ex 24/7, and move on with this new chapter of my life. We work towards one of those three goals every session.
Pre-therapy, I was a swirling ball of emotions that I didn't want to burden my loved ones with (most of them didn't even know about the abuse). My therapist created an environment where I felt safe telling her about everything and never felt like I was burdening her. She helped me realize that none of what happened was my fault, and that yes it actually was abuse. She was how I learned about BPD in the first place, and I found this sub by searching the term on Reddit. Once I'm ready, she's going to help me walk through some of my traumatic memories in a safe environment. Her help has been invaluable to my healing process, and I'm so happy I started seeing her.
I always prepare for sessions. I don't do much; just think about the topic I want to bring up/the problem that plagued me the most this week. Maybe bookmark a useful/relevant thread or article I want to talk about.
Just talking to her has been unbelievably helpful, but that alone hasn't made all my problems go away. I have to work to implement her suggestions into my daily life. Sometimes I'll even have a little bit of homework, haha. Basically you have to be 100% committed to recovery and be willing to put the work in to get there.
Thanks, this is very helpful! I've been thinking of my ex more lately, and I would very much like to get her out of my head. Another thing that I want to work on is dealing with trauma-based reactions that I have to some pretty ordinary situations. My stress levels can rise really high in some very minor and harmless conflicts because I used to walk on eggshells with my ex.
This is important to recognize: whether you were traumatized or not is very important for how you approach therapy. Because non-trauma focused therapies tend to not be as effective for traumatized individuals.
I was seeing a general therapist and doing talk therapy, and didn't feel it was very effective for me. No matter how much I talked about what happened, and no matter how much I understood and reframed the experiences, my body still felt tense and hypervigilant.
If you're experiencing trauma, then a truama-based professional therapist will be the best bet. I've heard EMDR is the most effective with dealing with trauma. I haven't started it yet, so I can't say much personally.
"Tense and hypervigilant", yes, that's exactly what I am and I hate it. I used to be a very relaxed and easy-going guy. I miss those times.
How is trauma-based therapy different from general talk therapy?
It's pretty simple really: trauma based therapy basically just means that the therapist is well versed, educated, and trained in traumatic experiences.
For example, a therapist that specializes in eating disorders might not be the best for dealing with spousal abuse. It's just not in their range of expertise.
Trauma therapists usually have a range of techniques to deal with flashbacks, mood swings, fear, inhibition, and other things a traumatized person deals with. A lot of these therapies tend to deal more with retraining your body to relax, and to put the events that happened to you into context, so you aren't reliving them daily. Massage and touch therapies help to lower stiffness and tension, specifically to help you feel comfortable and safe with human touch again. Eye movement desensitization (EMDR) which lowers your brain's hyper arousal, and simulates the "repair mode" your brain does during REM sleep. Stuff like that.
And of course they also do talk therapy as well, but more focused on putting the events into a context of life experiences, "This happened then, and now it is over. I am safe" -- kind of idea.
A trauma therapist can specialize in a number of smaller categories too. For example, there are therapists who specialize in the traumas of war veterans, and that expertise might not be as helpful if your specific problem is childhood abuse, etc.
A good therapist is versatile, but sometimes we need one with a narrow focus.
I have a therapy appointment coming up and I imagine I’ll get asked the same thing. I imagine my response will be exactly the same too. It just sucks so much that someone who you thought was the love of your life can destroy you to the point where you need ongoing continual therapy, need to do constant work and may never fully recover. And the sick part? Part of me still wants her back.