Source
r/ChildofHoarder•
mathARP

An unwanted legacy

CW: all the trappings of being the child of a hoarder in addition to death, leukemia, etc.

My father was recently diagnosed with leukemia. He's been a hoarder my whole life (undiagnosed) and is likely comorbid with other disorders—but refuses any type of help because he thinks he has it right and the rest of us have it wrong. He was given a short prognosis for the cancer and he's very afraid. I feel for him in this way.

I have two sisters who were also subjected to abusive behavior in other ways but because of the significant difference in age between us (they're much older than me), and different mother's, his hoarding never impacted them, until now. In addition, my father's parents left them with a sizable trust (no one other than my father seems to know any of the details though)—of which I get nothing. This doesn't really bother me—what bothers me is to come.

His rationalization for fairness is that, me, his youngest child, is going to be left with all his shit when he passes away. I'm newly married and my partner and I are scared to death. We can't afford to sift through the objects accumulated in 80 years of life (in addition to them being spread through three houses). My sisters, believing his idea that there's a bunch of stuff that's worth lots of money (in spite of much of it being neglected (much like the three of us) and left to wither), promise to help go through it all but one lives about 500 miles away and the other nearly 3000 miles away. Frankly, I can't rely on promises like that. Now they're attempting to guilt me into honoring his legacy—in spite of that legacy severely damaging us emotionally throughout our lives—not mention the financial issues it could cause me.

I want to be compassionate and I think I generally am—but all of this makes me afraid of what comes after his passing. I've generally worked through many of the issues I have because of the poor behaviors but I don't want to be faced with financial ruin because of the actions of one person.

Sorry that this so fragmented. I don't directly know anyone else who really gets what this disorder does or the impacts it has—I figured this subreddit is probably the ideal location to vent.

If anyone else has any of their own stories or advice, I'll gladly hear you out here.

Posted Jan 7, 2020, 4:52 PM UTC

2423
moonmodule1998•

You have every right to refuse. If your sisters are so interested in garbage, let them handle it. I hope this doesn't sound mean spirited, it's not meant to be, but you've been given an unfair deal in all this, and if you say you can't afford to do it, there's not really an argument. It's just how it is.

I wouldn't argue about it with your father, though that's up to you. You don't need to argue about it at all. Enjoy what time you have left with him, however you can. I'm sorry you're going through this.

21
mathARPOP•

I didn't read your comment as harsh at all—just direct. I think you're right on just about every point. A friend of mine who's a financial advisor effectively said the same thing as you. No dispute really needed. Thanks too, this directness is refreshing.

11
moonmodule1998•

You're smart to talk to a financial advisor, they're going to give you much better practical advice than I could. Good luck to you.

7
booktrovert•

I fully expect to be left with the hoard when my parents pass on. I plan on calling a hoarding cleanup company. I'll pay whatever. Then I'll sell the land with the dilapidated house on it. I refuse to sift through that hoard, though. My childhood is in there. But it's all ruined. It would be too heartbreaking.

15
mathARPOP•

That's frequently how I feel too. Sort of the proof of any such childhood left in ruins. Part of me mourns for that in addition to any amount of normalcy that was also abandoned (and for the longest time never knowing it had been).

8
MzOpinion8d•

You might want to post on r/legaladvice. They may have helpful advice on how to handle the “inheritance” part and if you can completely refuse it and pass it to your sisters or something.

Sorry you have to deal with this, and sorry about your dad. It’s always hard losing a parent even if you don’t have the best of relationships. I hope he doesn’t suffer.

11
mathARPOP•

Thanks for this. I was thinking of going to r/finance but this makes much more sense.

Thank you for your kind words too. I hope he doesn't either in spite of how things have been left (and the way he's been treating everyone.).

3
000882622•

Tell your siblings to use some of that money your father left for them to pay for a company to dispose/sell off his stuff. If there are enough items of value, you might even make some money back after they take their cut.

If they are not willing to do this, tell them that you are going to have it hauled to the dump. Give them fair warning, so they have time to make other arrangements if they don't want that to happen. It's wrong for you alone to be stuck with this burden and you have every right to make it as easy on yourself as possible. If it's your stuff, it's your call to make.

You are right not to rely on their promises of help. It is unrealistic to expect them to do very much while living so far away, regardless of how sincere their intentions are. Visiting for the occasional weekend to help you sort stuff won't be enough.

10
mathARPOP•

This might be decent place to leverage from—I tend to think of it as me being the one to assume all the risk while they have comfort and distance.

Thanks too. I've been considering the irony of it all lately—in addition to the absurdity of thinking it was a good idea in the first place.

6
000882622•

There are companies that specialize in clearing out hoarder houses and selling estates. You might be able to find an estate company to go through it and pick out things they think are worth their trouble to sell and then give you a percentage of, and then have the others clear out what's left.

Since hoarding has become a big problem, businesses have grown around it. My family has talked about this for when my hoarder parent dies. To try to do it all ourselves would be nearly impossible in any reasonable time-frame and would be too upsetting, so we're going to involve professionals. I plan to cherry-pick the things that are important to me or that I know are very valuable and then let them have at the rest.

6
UntidyVenus•

I would say try and start recruiting some trusted friends and make a plan to just take a few weekends and empty everything when the time comes. It's going to suck. Bad. You may also ask your siblings if maybe for Christmas/birthdays/gift giving holidays they would be willing to pay for a dumpster 'for the boxes' (but really for just about everything)

It's going to be a rough one, but with charity pick ups, trash pick ups and a few good friends you can do this.

7
Chrisanova_NY•

Yup.

No one outside of COH seems to understand the "DECADES OF RIPPLES" as I call it.

All I can describe it as, to other people, is "picture throwing a huge stone in a pond. Watch the ripples go outward, then bounce off the shores, then go back, and start to collide with remnants of each other.... creating new and mostly unpredictable ripples of their own...."

..... having real fun with Chaos Theory.....

And most folks still give me deer-headlights look.

It does suck.

6
mathARPOP•

I think that metaphor is very apt.

I often run into people not really believing me or attempt to reduce it. Most times I silently dismiss them but other times I kind of snap without thought—producing the look you mentioned. (Probably not the best approach on my part.)

5
creepyfart4u•

So you state the hoard is spread over 3 houses, are these separate properties? And does he say you will inherit all of them?

As someone who went through cleaning up a hoard, I think you not counting on help is a plus. If you know for sure the contents and houses are yours you can be more decisive in tossing items, and not second guessing or waiting for a sibling to claim items they “want” or seeing them claim the few items you want.

As far as costs go, it won’t bankrupt you unless you let it. You are also within your rights to refuse. If you are named the executor of his will you are allowed to draw a percentage of the estate as your fee as well.

If he passes owing money, you can pay from the estate, and if the estate can’t cover his debts you are not responsible. The estate owes on the bills not you. Any surplus can go to you after the bills are paid.

If the properties are all separate, I would work the cleanest first and empty it and put it up for sale while going through the others. Also, as an alternative option, there are investors that will buy homes contents and all as is for a steep discount. If you’d rather not do the work, you could consider that sort of a sale.

5
mathARPOP•

Yes to both questions. For a long time it was so abstract, it didn't feel real. Now it's looming and feels very real.

The approach you mention sounds pretty reasonable—in addition to that investor approach. Thank you. I assume that no matter what I do my sisters will be pissed off with me for not going along with their specific program but that doesn't concern me a great deal. What feels jarring is also not knowing what specifically lies in wait.

3
creepyfart4u•

TBH-I walked on eggshells trying to accommodate my brother as my mom’s estate was a 50/50 split. He wanted nothing to do with helping me and when he decided to buy out my share of the house still didn’t offer much help.

I would have been better off not trying to see if there was anything sentimental among the hoard and started chucking right away. Trying to sort through and determine what may be valuable, or simply sentimental to him just wasted a lot of time. But I did find $3000 squirreled away inside the hoard.

That being said I have a cousin that passed away young, and some members of his family are upset about the executor not allowing them to pick through his items and had to buy what they wanted from an estate sale. She was just doing what her attorney told her to do.

If you want to accommodate your sisters, I’d set a deadline that they need to help/pick what they want, by a certain date. Then when they miss the deadline you are clear to throw the garbage away. If they have a valid excuse for missing the update, maybe FaceTime or send a quick video of the hoard so they realize what you are up against.

But you’ll never make everyone happy so focus on what’s best for you.

Edit: One point to remember. Credit card debt is unsecured. If he passes DO NOT pay off credit cards(Unless you feel sorry for banks). Even if a collection agency contacts you, you do not listen to them. Just contact the bank/cc company and inform them of the passing. They may request a death certificate, but you shou,don’t pay unless you’re legally obliged.

3
HappySunshineGoblin•

You can't afford to sort through his stuff, but it will all be left to you - so is it possible to gift the houses and their contents to your sisters once your father passes away? I don't know the legalities in your country, or why it would be expensive for you, but if you have it legally transferred the property to them after inheriting it it will become their problem.

3
khemtrails•

I believe you can refuse an inheritance. That’s what I would be inclined to do, honestly. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. You’re not obligated in any way to clean up someone else’s mess. Let your sisters do it if they think it’s such an honor to clean out someone’s hoard. Good luck to you, op

3
treemanswife•

I used to work as a house dehoarder. It's like an estate sale on steroids. Anyhow, there are people who will do this, and they will be able to do it much, much faster than relatives. Depending on the type of hoard, they may be able to sell enough of the stuff to pay their fee - even if there's nothing particularly valuable, if furniture and such is in saleable condition they can do it.

Of course, if your father suffers from both hoarding and squalor, they may not be able to salvage anything, in which case it would cost money. But you shouldn't be on the hook for that legally.

3
ryckae•

If your father is 80, and your sisters are much older than you, could one of them be retired and come take care of it?

Or did I misread?

2
mathARPOP•

One doesn't work (family is doing well enough—so it's not because childcare or something) and honestly, I agree with you. They're both of greater means and expect me to do it all ( for example, actively discouraging me from hiring an attorney).

1
xxxygy•

Make sure ur dad doesnt put 'and OP gets everything else' in the will because then you will also be responsible for paying the debts of the estate from whatever u do get

2
entropys_child•

Not so.

1