Source
r/BPDlovedones•
Strampiest

Moving on from being smeared

Towards the end of the relationship I was smeared quite badly. Also gaslighted to the point where no doubt, in part, some of the things my ex was saying about me were true and people were telling her to leave me because I was the crazy one.

I liked some of these people, particularly her family, and it hurts to know that they have this negative impression of me. My friends’ response is “who cares what they think?” But I do care. I think most people care about what others think of them.

How to cope with large numbers of people thinking so negatively about you?

Posted Jan 13, 2020, 8:14 PM UTC

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Mart243Divorced•

They will eventually see the light ...

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cmsarzDated•

This. I felt the same way as the poster but this is the correct answer.

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StraightGirlLoveNon-Romantic•

I don’t know for sure if I have been smeared (most likely have been) but I’ve noticed that not one of her friends or family wished me a happy birthday, merry Christmas or happy new year after years of doing so. I no longer receive “how are you” messages or nice things in the mail. They have all discarded me.

I know deep down that she has made me out to be the worst person on the planet and it hurts a lot. I loved her friends and her family and now I’ve lost a second family. But it’s okay, because I know the truth and the people who love me know the truth.

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HarpsicorpseDivorced•

It's a terrible feeling. My discard involved my ex wife triangulating our entire friend group against me, and having our entire wedding party show up to our house to "guard her" from me. Since then none of them have checked in, asked how I was doing or said a word to me. They haven't blocked me on social media either.

Over the years, my ex hated any people I attempted to have as friends, the only ones that were permissible were hers. Now they all treat me like I'm radioactive and I'm left trying to rebuild from scratch. At least I have my dog.

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paintingsandfriendsDated•

Eventually, they will see the truth. Don’t worry. I had the new supply reach out years later to apologize. I also was wrapped up with an actual psychopath for a brief time and he painted his ex gf as a stalker and abusive and I realized within a year that this was a lie and he was the abusive one however I did not reach out to her bc I was too busy holding NC from the abusive man and didn’t want to be dragged back into any drama. So, even if you don’t hear from the people who heard the smear campaign, they might be ignoring you bc it’s safer to ignore everyone associated with your ex. It might not be personal at all.

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aad135Married•

According to my wife “everyone is telling me to divorce you”

Oh. Well, then be done with it. This has gone on for too long.

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Roadkill299Divorced•

According to her bullsh*t narrative shes been feeding her flying monkeys, thats exactly what they would be telling her! Hahahahaha! Been here dude, sorry that you're going through a smear campaign as well. End it, go NC with her and her flying monkeys.

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Lazarus_42Custom (edit this text)•

I started to notice something really strange. It was when we met her friends. The way I described it to her was "You know when a snail is happily crawling along with it's antennae out but then you touch it's snout? It withdraws in on itself right? Well, why is it when we meet your friends in the street they do the same as soon as they see me?" That was the best way I could describe it. It got worse. During the darkest time I thought "Sod this! I'm going to stay with my parents for a bit. I don't care who she sees when I'm not here ( she was screwing around whilst I was there anyway!) I need some normality!" So I 'phoned my Dad. He didn't sound right even when I just said "Hello." But I asked anyway, would it be ok if I came to see them for a week. They lived 450 miles away & it would've been a lovely break. He said "No! We don't want to see you! She's been telling us what you've been like recently so no, you can't come!" I was devastated! My last lifeline had been snatched away from me. I found out later that she'd been calling them daily telling them a pile of crap. I'd lost my job, friends, kids & now my parents. She'd smeared me to everyone. I only held on to the flat we were living in by the skin of my teeth as my GP got fed up with her making appointments for me saying I was psychotic. As soon as my Doctor said "Do you feel safe at home? Here's the number of the psychiatric intervention team. Call them if you feel unsafe." This was the team that my partner with BPD worked with. The team that she'd smeared me to. The team that believed every word their colleague had said about me. She'd convinced them ( and the psychiatrist that I am now convinced she was sleeping with ) that it was me who was sick, not her. But as soon as my doctor started just to slightly question what was happening she moved out within 24 hours. That GP saved me.

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KomatoastyFamily•

I hope your parents came around and apologized. I don't think I'd ever give up on my own children, especially without hearing their side of things. She must have said some absolutely horrible things about you to them.

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Lazarus_42Custom (edit this text)•

I see my kids now. But my mum died & I'm still estranged from my dad. He discovered my substance abuse after all this. For him that was the last straw. Because I was taking medication for ad/hd my ex had said I was an amphetamine psychotic. And because she worked with the psychiatric family intervention team they believed everything she said. I had approached them at first thinking she had dissociative identity disorder. I thought that was why she was going off the rails. Her personality changes were so complete & so extreme. I was worried she'd end up dead. But because she worked in social services she was able to make me look like the I'll person. That was how she explained my accusations. That I was simply psychotic because of my amphetamine use. I wasn't, I was taking them as prescribed. But sadly it worked. In the aftermath, after she left i turned to opiates to stop the pain. This led to sepsis & I lost my feet. In hospital I told my dad everything. Because she'd said my "wild" accusations were due to drug abuse he put two & two together & for him it backed up everything she'd told him. He still won't speak to me. I'm in recovery, on methadone & I've been clean for years. But it's no use. So I'm still coping with the massive impact that woman has had on my life. I live alone, no feet, no parents & I can no longer be prescribed medication for my ad/hd because according to my medical records I was an amphetamine psychotic... It's been rough.

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Sad_Dad_0613Separated•

The two take always over got from my therapist are that she will do it again. Probably a few times. People aren’t dumb and eventually they will see it for what it is.

Second, is it something you can control? If you stress and ruminate and fret about it will it have any outcome on their opinions? My biggest hurdle (and honestly success) with processing this separation after losing my wife of 15 years in a catastrophic and abusive way over 18 months has been to be super conservative with expending my worries and energy. I’m already depleted just from the process in general so every ounce of energy I give has to be beneficial to me.

She does something to hurt the kids? Like have her new boyfriend around all the time? Definitely exert energy to document and directly tell her to knock it off so I have a case when it goes to court that, I I asked her directly to stop until the divorce was finalized and that she refused. Anything beyond that like getting upset, confronting the guy or screaming at her uses a ton of energy and sets back my position from my end goal.

So in your case, does being in their good opinions really impact you? Is there a tangible benefit to chose this battle to fight in the scope of your end goals? Are you planning on dating her sister or going into business with them or something so these relationships are incredibly important?

If not, save your energy and fight when it counts.

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knicksfan4lyf•

I just put it in my head that the amount of people that believe in me are 100x greater than those who think negatively about me. Then I can rest my case.

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