Source
r/AskReddit•
pschart

Does reddit have a friend for me? Maybe some advice on how to "move on"? tl;dr inside...

So, yeah. this was me 9 months ago and things are still pretty much shit for me.

Long story short: I was an imperfect but faithful and loving husband married to an imperfect, unfaithful and unloving wife. The man she cheated on me (and is still in a relationship) with was my friend and boss and while he is no longer either of those things I still have to work with him in a small company (his office is right next to mine). Almost all of my friends are also friends with him.

I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.

I'm angry, sad, lonely and depressed and I don't know how to "just get over it" as my ex-wife suggests. This is the only Christmas in my life that I haven't enjoyed. I feel trapped in a job that I used to love. I can't quit because I won't find a better or better-paying job in the area and I can't leave the area because I can't leave my children. I am crying at work often - it just hits me out of the blue - which is sad and embarrassing...

So how do I stop hating this... "man"? Anger is not an emotion I'm used to or comfortable with and it's affecting me quite negatively. How do I stop hating my ex-wife? It seems like 90% of my waking hours are spent with one or the other. I'm afraid I'm going batshit!

So, please, if you've got it: some advice? Also, anyone need a friend? I sure as fuck do. :(

Sorry, reddit. I don't have anyone else to turn to...

Posted Dec 27, 2010, 8:40 PM UTC

833
StonedClown•

I don't think you will be able to change your emotions when there are so many constant reminders.

3
pschartOP•

That's exactly the problem. I feel fucked. The bad kind.

1
StonedClown•

Maybe you should think of taking a DBT class. If you apply the ides of this therapy it should help you a lot, but you have to really commit.

You could also try suppressing the pain, but as I said it would be hard because of constant reminders.

You could also try smoking weed. It really helped, but I wont push it if you are agains drug use. Its just something worth trying and possibly medicating with.

1
pschartOP•

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with DBT. Suppression is what I've been going with, pretty much. It's obviously not working.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
russtopher•

Sorry to hear about your situation man.

Having never been in a situation like yours, I can't say anything from experience. I will say though that I am good about controlling my anger and just "getting over things" or "letting things go". It really is a really difficult thing to describe how to "get over it". I think to myself how much I hate being sad or angry. I absolutely loathe feeling down or angry, as anyone does. But when I start to think about how much I hate feeling that way, it helps me get over things much easier. I will think to myself, "Why waste my time, my life, feeling like this? I cannot stand it." For some reason that motivates me to really get over whatever is bothering me. It's not an instantaneous feeling of happiness that comes over me, but it is the kick I need to get me going in the right direction.

Next I'm deciding it's not worth my time or energy to hate or be angry at whoever it is that did something to me, in this case your ex-wife and former boss/friend. Being sad and angry has no effect on them and all the effect on you, which is wrong. If life was fair, they should be the ones that feel this way. But since it is not you have to take life by the balls and make it your bitch. Now is your time to show them how much happier you are now that an unfaithful and unloving wife and a heartless friend are out of your life. It will be hard at first but go out, meet people, enjoy your newfound freedom. No one is holding you back but yourself.

Find ways to relieve your stress, for me I love listening to a good cd and driving around town. Dancing and screaming lyrics at stoplights. I'll notice other drivers/passengers smile or even laugh at me while I do this, many stare with the biggest grin you've ever seen. And now I know that at the very least I brightened someones day, and that makes me feel good. I brought some kind of joy to someone, even if it was for a minute, and knowing that helps me clear my mind.

I don't know if this is even helpful, I feel like I just went on some kind of rant. But I'm not going to erase any of it. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find that joy that is buried inside of you right now. Because it's there, you just have to find it. Good luck my man. :)

3
pschartOP•

Thanks for that. I really appreciate it and will try to take your advice to heart. :)

1
[deleted]•

Happy birthday, and thanks for offering great advice for a guy who needs it. :D

1
phenger•

Things to remember:

  1. She will always be in your life. You evidently have kids together and still want to be a part of their life (which is AWESOME and completely commendable).
  2. You have (and should, and proves that you are in fact sane) hate her and your old friend with every ounce of your being. They both fucked you in ways that cannot be un-done. Accept this fact. Don't fight it. I'd go so far as to say embrace it, but not in the 'I'm going to go bomb them!' way....more in the 'Yeah, my ex is a BITCH and damn do I hate her.'
  3. Time heals all things. It never makes them perfect, but it does make them better. The amount of time is different for everyone in every different situation.
  4. Focus on the kids. Make sure they're happy.
  5. This is a tough one. MOVE. You need to get away from as much as you possibly can that reminds you of her and that situation. Some would say it's running away. I say 'Yeah, so?'. Why are you worried about money when your LIFE is SHIT right now because of all of the constant reminders? Find another job and move. You need to be happy before you can focus on the kids being happy.
2
pschartOP•
  1. You are correct. In fact the thing I'm most angry about is the loss of time with my children. It's utterly heartbreaking to me.
  2. Oh, I agree completely. The problem is I still have to be civil to her and professional to him when all I wanna do is tell them both to fuck off. If not for our beautiful kids, the two of them would still be spinning from how quickly I left them both in my rear view.
  3. I know it does and it will, but I feel like it hasn't even started yet. Every time I think it can't get worse... it does.
  4. They are happy and well-provided for. They don't see or hear any of this.
  5. That is a tough one. Impossible for now, you might say. I want to see my kids as much as possible and if I leave I'll see them less.
1
CajunJAG•

Do you have some kind of custody agreement with her? If you moved a little farther for peace of mind couldn't you find a way to see the kids for longer periods maybe less often?

1
pschartOP•

We do have a custody agreement. One of them is still breastfeeding (this guy "made his move" when my youngest was less than a month old...) so can't be away from her for more than 12-24 hours. The closest place I could move to and even hope to find a job is several hours' drive. I just don't look forward to "starting over." If not for this guy, this would be the best job I've ever had, hands down. Additionally, my house has been in my family for over 50 years. Not to mention the fact that divorce wiped me out financially. I just don't see moving as feasible right now.

1
CajunJAG•

I'm so sorry. They are both so wrong for doing that to you! Other than time I don't know what you can do to feel better. See the kids as much as you can since you're so close. Give them as much love as possible. Try to find a new job.

Good luck!

1
NonorientableSurface•

For what it's worth, even though these are constantly in your life, you need to find a way out.

Since he's your boss and you see him at work all the time, you need to find a new job.

Secondly, you need to find the things you truly loved to do before this. You subsisted before you met your wife, so find those things and embrace them. Everyone has passions. Find something you'd love to study at school and consider going back, even for a single course. Find a group that embraces the same activities. Just enjoy your life and find everything about it that's awesome.

Take a trip. Get out of the caustic environment and find everything that's wonderful about people.

It sucks. It really does. However, it's moments like this that make the awesome moments completely shine. Just look forwards and realize there's more than you think out there.

2
CajunJAG•

Is there no way you can find a new job that would pay less but allow you to still live? Even if you have to downsize or move to another place? Your happiness and sanity is worth so much more than money.

You need to find a way up out of this for your kids. They need a happy dad. I've never been there before so I don't know how to do this. Have you tried therapy? I think having ot see the guy every single day has got to make things worse though.

2
pschartOP•

It's just fucked up because it's such a great place to work. Small but profitable company, generous benefits, flexible about coming and going (which helps when you have 2 toddlers in daycare), (mostly) great people, great pay, I like the projects I work on, the town I live in... I could go on and on but it just reminds me of how much the two of them have raked me over the coals... But, yeah, seeing him every. goddamned. day. is not helping anything. I definitely feel I'd be in a different place in my head if not for the fact that I have to work with the guy... FML.

1
CajunJAG•

Too bad you can't make his life hell and make him quit!

2
[deleted]•

You have to be willing to quit your job. I don't think it is realistic to work for the man that your ex left you for. It's totally fine to be angry about this, and I think you will need to express that anger, which you won't be able to do as long as you have to keep your job. So quit your job and take a worse job or a less well paying one. Cut your expenses and cut your losses. Take the opportunity to start over.

For your children's sake you will eventually need to develop a functional relationship with your ex, but for now, having as little as possible to do with her and him will provide enough space for you to re-find your own center. Your ex-wife's advice to 'just get over it' is not helpful. You need to process your feelings of anger and betrayal. You need to get enough distance from the situation to be able to do that. You need to be able to tell him and her that you feel angry and betrayed and distrusting and whatever else you are feeling, without fear of losing your livelihood.

I'm not very impressed with your therapist BTW.

That's my 2c.

Best wishes to you.

2
mikewhy•

Wow dude, go see a therapist.

1
pschartOP•

I am. :(

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
pschartOP•

I do like her, though. I'd be in a much worse place (if you can believe that) if not for her. Her advice is that I've got to get over the caveman instinct of being pissed that this guy is fucking my ex-wife and that I've got to come up with some way to separate work from the personal shit. It's all good advice, and I'm trying. I'm just failing and can feel the end of my rope getting nearer.

1
[deleted]•

well it wont help much, but remembering that he was just being a dude and most of us are scuzzy horn dogs following pure instinct might help. Also, SHE was the one who had made a commitment to you, promised to be the forever and all that crap.

but personally I'd have already killed the guy so it wouldnt be an issue for me.

1
pschartOP•

Believe me as much if not more of my anger is targeted squarely at her. Murder won't help, it will just make me busier at work.

1
scottdavidcraig•

'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate'. I think you need to sit down and be truthful with yourself about what you are afraid of happening as a result of all this before the hate you'll inevitably feel upwards this guy spills over into your relationship with your children.

The only way to move on is to Find out what your afraid of and find a way to let go of those fears.

Best of luck to you man

1
pschartOP•

Thanks. That's good advice. I guess I'm afraid of being alone. Something along the lines of "If she could do this to me, I must not be worth much and thusly: <insert ForeverAlone pic here>." It's lame and I know it but I don't know how to let go of it. There are other... issues that play into this fear that are much deeper than this current situation, but the current situation feeds those deep-seated fears and emotions.

1
scottdavidcraig•

I wish I could claim it as my own but I stole it from Yoda. I think in an ideal relationship both individuals are interdependent. By which i mean their love for each other exceeds their need for each other. More often than not though this isn't the case. one becomes emotionally dependent on the other. What I mean by that is that they derive their self worth not from their internal thoughts but from the approval and validation of their partner. In essence what this means is that they are giving control of their happiness to the whim of someone else.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you need to look to Yourself for validation of your self worth.

I think if you can let go of the control her validation/actions have over your perception of yourself you might be able to regain a bit more control over your life.

Hope this helps

1
pschartOP•

Thanks, it does. And I got the reference, I mean, I am a redditor... ;)

1
phenger•

Great advice.

If I may echo a bit and add on: The key to any happy/functional relationship is not deriving 100% of your self-worth from your partner. It takes two individuals to make a good/strong relationship, not 1 1/2. Find/do what you enjoy doing and the right person and relationship will happen.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

1
pschartOP•

Are you asking me or the guy you replied to? If me, 33. I know, I know, I should be over this kind of thing at my age...

1
scottdavidcraig•

I'm 23.

1
phenger•

You'll never be ForeverAlone. You'll always have the kids. Always.

1
pschartOP•

An excellent point. One that I never forget.

1
kurse21•

You have to find a new job or transfer to a different location is this is an option. I know the money might be less but that shit would eat me alive working with him in the new room.

1