What do you, or do you not, tell any potential future partners about your experience with your exwBPD?
Posted Jan 24, 2020, 11:42 PM UTC
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If you were with your pwBPD for a while, you're likely to have issues with trusting a new partner. And if you get to the point of planning to marry someone, it's perfectly reasonable for them to expect you to trust them. So at that point, I think you need to tell your new spouse-to-be something of what's happened to you - it's not fair to them not to.
Most people had never heard of BPD when I met my wife decades ago, so I explained it something like "My last girl friend was literally, utterly, bat-shit crazy. As in, should have been in a mental hospital crazy. I broke up with her because nothing I or anybody else could do helped. And if I start acting really weird about something silly, I need you to remind me that you aren't crazy."
Seems to have worked, and if she didn't have some idea of my history, I'm not sure if she could have put up with me for the first couple of years.
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I am so impressed that you found a method that works for you and I respect that method, though I would like to respectfully disagree with the "your therapist should be the only person you confide in" part. Again, I respect that immensely and am overjoyed it works for you, but for me, this could not work. I think being able to confide in your partner is very central for some people and can be done quite healthily. I think this kind of intimacy can be essential for (some peoples') relationships, and I would love to someday be able to share some of my experience with a loving and considerate partner. This doesn't mean sharing EVERYTHING, but I do not want to be alone with my pain, particularly when it comes to a partner. I think it is important for abuse victims not to be silenced, and for relationships to be a place of healthy boundaries and mutual listening.
I think in the future, I will say "I was in an abusive relationship that I am healing from, but it is sensitive for me to talk about." and then determine what I am comfortable sharing. I will consult my future therapist about what is wise and unwise to share, and will let my relationship grow before I disclose anything enormous.
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This. If it comes up “bad experience that I’d rather not get into because I’m focused on building a solid foundation with you”.
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Of course. But previous relationships come up at some point and given the impact it had, would it not be appropriate to discuss it in some way in the right context at the right time?
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I don’t disagree, but people have a habit of probing more. And I wouldn’t want to seem like I was hiding something. I’d rather be upfront and answer any questions truthfully.
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Don't tell them shit unless you are sucked into triangulation with and if that's the case reverse the triangle on the borderline!
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"I disagree with this person on fundamental moral values and no longer speak to them."