[2158] Stones Unturned

First of all, this is a compelling opening which you ought to be very pleased with. You've done an effective job of building up your world and I'm intrigued to find out more, particularly about what other secrets the disgraced professor might be hiding. The prose is tight and clear, and I never had trouble visualising what was happening.

That said, this piece can still be tightened up. In particular you struggle to find momentum - your protagonist does a lot of running back and forth conveying messages, but nothing of substance really happens until the two soldiers' conversation with Dr Manning.

I'm working off my phone right now so I'll expand this out into a full critique when I'm home, but for the moment suffice it to say I enjoyed it and am left wanting to read more.

EDIT: some line-by-line comments below. As I mentioned before, the world is very interesting and the writing is sharp. However, this excerpt's biggest weakness is that the plot slows down enormously between Callie going off to get towels, and Dr Manning and the soldiers retiring to the kitchen. Anything else I've been critical of is really just nitpicking!

In times of war, good rarely comes from an unexpected knock.

A sharp opening line which also serves as exposition by letting the reader know there’s a war on.

Callie McCallis threw open the door to see the two soldiers she’d spied on from the upstairs window.

My first instinct is that the word “see” is redundant here, but now I’m wondering whether the reader even needs to be told she’s already seen the soldiers. If she had spotted them and run to the door before they could knock then it might be relevant, but we know they have knocked. Why not just “threw open the door to the two soldiers”?

Business. Callie’s scowl softened as she realized her other brother was okay.

The single word “business” is slightly strange here. It gives the impression you’re trying to convey, but that is already handled by their “faces of stone”. I’d just get rid of it. This would also be a good place to insert Callie’s brother’s name. Also, “other” brother? No brother has been mentioned before this point.

“Is Mr. Manning home?” the man asked. Callie was always bothered by his “mister” title.

The second sentence here should be removed. It’s telling us something which you manage to show quite effectively a line later within her italicised thoughts.

“I’m Anya, and this is Jackson.”

Would they not introduce themselves by their titles? Captain Smith and Corporal Jones, or the like? It depends on how professional this expeditionary force is, I suppose, but it feels a little incongruous.

“Callie, pleasure. Come inside, please.”

By this point the pace has crawled to a near-dead stop, which is unfortunate. Everything in this conversation after “we need to speak with him” can probably be removed with no ill-effect on the story. I found this line particularly egregious. It’s natural-sounding dialogue, of course, but it’s just not very interesting.

The pair did as offered. Callie gestured them towards the sitting room, shutting the door to the busy city street.

It would have been good to mention before that the house is on a city street, let alone a busy one. In the absence of any other detail I had pictured a large house in the countryside, and now have to recalibrate that image. The natural thing would perhaps be to describe the scene outside when Callie opens the door.

Callie scurried out of the room towards a back corner of the house. She nabbed two towels from the top shelf of the linen closet, and hurried back. Anya and Jackson were already sitting, staring at the floor. Callie let out a brief sigh.

The story really begins to suffer here from lack of momentum. It’s a real shame because the prose generally is very good, but the skeleton it’s draped over is already sagging. Here, for example, the action has completely stopped while Callie goes on an errand to fetch towels, which doesn’t seem to have any relevance to the plot. Her irritation at the mess does give us a hint as to her character, and also as to the disregard shown to her by the soldiers, but I am sure this can be done while still driving the plot forward.

She brushed curly, orange hair out of her face, and rapped on the door.

A nice, subtle way of conveying some of the narrator’s appearance. I only wonder why it wasn’t provided sooner.

“Old man? How dare you talk to me that way?”

I enjoy their banter here, which shows off a master-apprentice dynamic quite different from the usual. My only complaint is that this line, and the one beneath it, could probably be dropped and it would still make just as much sense.

She informed them that Dr. Manning would be ready in just a minute before taking a seat herself.

This line is redundant, as we have just seen Callie take the very same message from Dr Manning. In fact most of this paragraph is unnecessary, and only serves to bog things down. Why not just cut to Dr Manning making his appearance?

A fashionable, thin, balding man with a damp mustache appeared.

This is a nice, clear description, although it would have made more sense to provide this when we first see Dr Manning. Referring to him like this as a nameless “man” also implies that this is a new, different character, given we have already been introduced to Dr Manning by name just a few lines prior.

“Gentlemen, how can I help you today?”

Given one of the soldiers is a woman, referring to them as “Gentlemen” seems rather disrespectful. Perhaps it’s in line with your vision of this character but my impression of him is that he would be courteous to strangers, at least at first.

“Well, sir, just to confirm, you are indeed the Dr. Manning who had his archeology honors stripped years ago, is that right?” Anya said.

This is oddly phrased, and comes across as slightly clunky exposition. You would imagine the soldiers would have checked they are actually in the right place long before this point.

You know as well as I that research of that time is forbidden. I destroyed all of my documents and artifacts years ago after my excommunication from academia.”

This is conveying the same information as above (that Dr Manning has been expelled from academic circles) but does it much more smoothly and naturally.

“We know for a fact you didn’t.”

Sharp dialogue. This is the point where things get interesting again. What has Dr Manning discovered? Why has he hidden it? How do the soldiers know? What are the consequences going to be? I am well and truly intrigued once more.

an expulsion from academia had been a slap on the wrist.

“Expulsion from academia” is aurally very similar to “excommunication from academia” which has said only a few lines up. I would reword one or the other.

While the rest of the world had moved on, thinking of deities, giants, and magic as mere fairy tales, their nation and church maintained a steadfast belief.

You’ve fallen into telling rather than showing. I am sure this could be worked into Manning’s dialogue. It would then feel less like you’re putting the action on pause in order to explain to the reader what’s going on.

“Get out of my house. Now!” Yelled Dr. Manning.

“Yelled” shouldn’t be capitalised.

“The war with Bragan is more dire than the public is aware of. We’re close to losing the eastern half of Kruxburg City. Once that falls, we plan on demolishing the bridge across the strait in a bid to save the western half.

This dialogue gives an effective and rapid-fire account of the war. It’s vivid and desperate and gets the reader engaged in the wider political situation. My only concern is that the military would probably be keeping a tighter lid on this news. Perhaps they’ve been given special clearance to share it with Dr Manning, but if so a reference should probably be made. Even a brief line to the effect that “none of this leaves this room” would probably do.

“What do you mean by ‘not much more’?”

What are those asterisks meant to represent? I get the impression that the word “much” should be italicised.

Each grasping a handle, they heaved it from the recession.

“Recession” is an economic term. I might be wrong but I don’t think it can be used interchangeably with “recess”, which is what I assume you are going for.

He opened the lid.

Remove this.

Its ancient decorative paint was still intact.

It seems strange that this is given its own line. What is the significance of the intact paint?

There’s a reason they’ve been gone for thousands of years, and it wasn’t defeat by us.”

A very intriguing note on which to end, and an effective hook to turn to the next page. Personally I think “and it wasn’t us” would flow better here, though.

Hi, as a general note, I think that the idea is interesting. An archaeologist apprentice could mean anything, from Indiana Jones to Dan Brown, and is up to the way you're going to use it, but is still a fascinating profession. And "an ancient land of gods" sounds just good. This little chapter you posted does a discreet job at keeping, at least me, interested.

On Mechanics: the major issues I found is the way you handle information.

Some seems just out of place: why does Callie tell the soldiers the doctor is having a bath? Why do the soldiers explain their plains to the doctor? Why do you mention Callie's hair colour out of nowhere?

Some are unnecessary: I understand what you're trying to do, but there's no reason to be specific about the house layout, or how everything is ornate. I know is just a couple of times, but still, who cares, you're wasting words.

There is also redundancy: it's a bit weird that the soldiers need to verify the doctor's identity with such a loaded question, and you don't need to introduce the excommunication in that way, you explain it later, and better.

While others seem in the wrong position: I understand that is part of character's building, but if you're going to ignore it right away, is probably not the right time to introduce Callie's soldier brother, either you find a better place, or give the information the right importance.

The other issues is that it doesn't happen that much, and what happens has the wrong weight. Having Callie go from room to room could be resolved in a couple of sentences, and the doctor secret data should be a more dramatic revelation.

On Characters and Worldbuilding: I found the little you presented of the setting interesting, doctor's last sentence does sell the story, and the presence of a religious form of academics gives me His Dark Materials vibes (is a good thing).

For the characters part, I think we see too little of Callie, I understand is just a first chapter, but she's supposed to be the protagonist, isn't she? I expect to be left with at least a starting idea of the person she is, something that's missing (and yet the doctor is already enough developed).

I found the piece far from perfect, I suppose you already knew that, but still a nice, fluid read that sounds compelling enough, and I would like to know the rest.

I'm on my mobile device so this critique will probably suck...

I like the hook, and the DRAFT of your opening paragraph. It conveys a lot of info, back story, and is well structured. It is rather confusing with some of the sentences, and you should mess with their construction, but the ideas are good.

I think you should change the order of the expeditionary folks descriptive paragraph to come BEFORE they are invited in. Is there no skepticism from our heroine? She's like oh hey come on in lol I am usually naked haha! You won't totally EARONS me or anything!

Your dialogue is well punctuated, which on this sub is refreshing. You did miss a tiny coma "yes COMMA sir".

Everything flows smoothly until you reference "the man" as such, when you've already given us his name, a description, and a visual. So it's almost like you're removing that information now I guess. I'd change it. Tiny detail lol.

The next jarring part is when they speak. They stutter and interrupt and I'm not sure what purpose that served. I'd just cut it, unless it I'm missing something.

The next paragraph is really beautiful, like she's been trained to spy. The only concern of mine is that you can probably restructure that info a tiny bit to be a bit clearer or flow better — and also my concern is with the narration snap with a bit off added information about overlooking a garden. It seems out of place. Good imagery and setting, but yeah a bit out of place. I would also cut the entire paragraph where you tell the audience this wasn't the first time she had spied. I think that's super obvious because it came directly after the nod to her. I'd cut it.

As a surprise to neither of the town house residence.... Mad confusing cut this entire part or reword it. I'd just cut it.

I'd also cut "we know for a fact you didn't". It wrecks any built suspense. It doesn't tense the scene, it breaks it open.
You jump back to the POV character perfectly timed though after this. But I would leave some pause silence or just have the soldiers weaponize the silence. They've already been shown to do that. Like he says lol I don't have it! And they're like..... And he's like... Well if that's all.....? And they're like..... And he's like...... And they're like...... Doctor..... And Callie is like oh fug. You seen that opening scene of Inglorious basterds? Idk it seems Callie is rather passive in her actions up until now. She's just a messenger and it seems clunky.

The telly sentence about expulsion being a slap on the wrist has to go. Implicit in the conversation above is how real this shit was. We don't need to be told. Cut.

The entire info dumb directly to him yelling seems a bit character breaking. There should be a bit more back and forth and maybe some cunning words between the two. You actually might be better suited to an AS YOU KNOW BOB style exposition of info. I normally don't advise this, but it might make sense for the doctor to remind the soldiers that it's like super illegal and all then talk about how y'all gave up on it. And even I gave up. I realize now I was wrong lol. And the soldiers again remain silent and look at each other. And then maybe make some threats. As of now, the suspense is not dangling in my mind.

I would also cut entitle the part where the female soldier says "lol bro we're on Ur side it's all gud fam" and have her instead forgoe that, and jump directly to an appeal to his conscious. This reminds me of the howls moving castle where they come to recruit Howl for war. They should speak of the war, and cut everything above that where they're trying to hold him in esteem. It seems out of place considering you just dumped how terrifying the consequences would be. The suspense again isn't holding. The war with bagar is more intense than the public is aware of is a great sentence. I suggest just using that as the start point for the next dialogue sequence rather than "we love u"

The next part is a bit strange. I suggest a slight glance between the soldiers before they reveal that they have found proof of existence of God's or whatever.

The last dialogue exchange between the Dr. And Cal is pretty bland. Where he's like, "lol bro I don't trust them soldiers". Like no shit.... I suggest a total rewrite and maybe add some more exchange or something tbh idk how to advise here.

Oki so that's that.

Overall, the pacing was good, the events were dramatic and unrushed, the characters felt developed and characterized enough, at least distinguishable between each other. Callie was characterized best as a mild tempered neat freak and that was well accomplished. The doctor wasn't characterized much. I suggest maybe some more dialogue in the bathroom? The dialogue overall is decent enough although as described above could use some work. Overall grammar was spot on mostly, you're certainly properly trained.

Imagery was strong when used and was used appropriately in appropriate amounts - if anything it was dry of imagery and that isn't really much of a complaint. That means you've got wiggle room to be more descriptive even. Usually my advise is the opposite.

I'd say this could use some work. It's for sure a draft, but the writing itself is solid other than a few minor points like "was looking" (ctrl+f that) and where pointed out above in my critique.

Honestly my biggest gripe is the lack of suspense building in a situation that seems like the stakes should be high, but the only feeling of high stakes is THE NARRATOR TELLING ME about the stakes. I suggest reworking the dialogue to be a bit more tense and adding that info dump paragraph in between dialogue. And add a basic scene of like Callie covering her mouth in surprise or something when they say dramatic stuff so we know which info to flag as most important..

Overall this is..... Average to be honest. Blah blah 2 dudes come to a house to take the magic away from the doctor and the apprentice is there and is about to go on a wild quest. Been here a million times... Idk but not bad overall.

#hash tag goth life

Damn. I liked the beginning. Strong hook and I like how it goes straight into the action. It's nice to see a fantasy novel start this way. I don't prefer fantasy, but I am used to things starting more slowly and personally not loving it so well done.

One thing I can say and maybe this is due to me not reading much fantasy, but I don't know Callie and the doctor's precise relationship to one another. It's stated several times that he is like her boss/teacher and she's an apprentice, but the only thing that confused me was their initial banter when Callie fetches him to me made it seem like they were husband and wife and I wished I could've had it clear whether or not they were dating or just business and living together. She refers to him as sir and her master but he calls her dear and the teasing banter seemed like they had to be together. Or are they married and the time period or location they lived had a more servant type role for a wife?

Callie and the doctor were compelling characters. I felt emotionally connected to them quickly and they had distinct personalities and voices. Very good stuff.

I agree with what someone else said about Callie's hair color being mentioned feeling weird and out of place. Saying someone brushed their hair out of their face could be acceptable I would think but saying brushed their orange curly hair was odd. I wasn't sure if it was a clever way to mention someone's appearance or not as I'd never seen it done that way before.

I'm not sure if line edit stuff is acceptable but the writing and story is strong enough that I can't find many other flaws or room for improvement but I'm not a super seasoned writer.

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Could this really be happening? I know Dr. Manning always had suspicions suspicious about the existence of Rei Malas, but what evidence could they have? And who would have acquired it?

“Sir, could they be telling the truth? What possible evidence could they have?”

Not sure you needed all of this, repeating the same thing twice.

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“What I’m about to tell you can be repeated to no one. I’m still unsure if I can trust those soldiers who arrived here today. Truthfully, what I fear most isn’t a deception. I truly hope this is another ploy by those I’ve scorned. If what they say is true, then you or I have far more to worry about than bureaucratic sanction,” he said.

I could tell that Dr. Manning was speaking here so the he said shouldn't have been there or if it was there it should've been earlier in the dialogue if a reader needed to see it.

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I would have been glad to read more from where it ended. I was entirely hooked and engaged in the story and found you to be a very good writer.

First, some of the good stuff: I love the story idea you're setting up here. The conceit of a people who have denied the existence of gods now looking for gods to help them in a war is fabulous. It definitely hooked me. I'm also a big fan of some of the ideas at the end of the section, as I discuss later.

So overall, solid stuff. I do think you lose some of the good here with some murky writing and misplaced backstory. I'll start with backstory.

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• I think that you may want to consider rewriting your opening. First it appears that the focus is on war, which is fine (except for the somewhat cliched 'unexpected knock'). It then narrows to Callie and the fact that she seems to have lost a brother in the war. Also fine except that I'm then prepared for a story about Callie and her brothers. But from the rest of this it appears that her brothers are nothing more than a device to lure the reader in. Further, I'd argue that the device doesn't work particularly well because I don't know Callie yet and so don't really care about her bothers. Even worse, as the story develops, it appears that her brothers don't have anything to do with the plot. Thus it's a lot of background information which may or may not become important later. That, naturally, detracts from the story.

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• I also felt that the whole Mr. vs. Dr. Discussion took away rather than added to the story. It's not a bad conceit (i.e. the guy wants respect and Callie wants to make sure he gets it) but I don't think you need to make a big point of that here. You can have Callie wince at the soldiers' use of Mr. and then make it clear why later (when the Doctor actually corrects them) and you've got your point in without taking the reader away from the meat of the story.

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• Finally (and most importantly) I think that the backstory really gets in the way of the plot when you put two whole paragraphs of it between Anya accusing the Doctor of keeping his research and the Doctor yelling at her to get out of his house. While the information in the two paragraphs (i.e. the importance of the research) is clearly critical putting it right in the middle of a heated exchange seems odd at best. I think you could save it for later, maybe after the soldiers have left, without losing momentum.

Now for what I'm calling murky writing (which is really just a hodge podge of odd word choices or awkward sentences):

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• Just after you've described the soldiers' clothing you note: They were better fitted to the wood than the city, and stood out among those of the townhouse’s district. My quibble here is with 'those'. What exactly does that mean? Those what? Personally, I think you could just stop after the word 'city' and be fine.
• Then here's a confusing sentence: He’d told her of stories from that era since she became a serious pupil of his, but remained steadfast in his conviction that any leftovers from his research had been destroyed. It's really just the word 'conviction' that threw me off as I think it implies that someone else would have destroyed the leftovers rather than the Doctor himself. Assuming that's not what you meant, I'd suggest 'insistence' instead.
• I also found this a bit garbled: While the rest of the world had moved on, thinking of deities, giants, and magic as mere fairy tales, their nation and church maintained a steadfast belief. To them, the risk of humanity’s re-enslavement was too high. Whatever had ended that long period of humanity’s subservience should not be disturbed. I assume you're saying here that the nation and church did continue to believe in the gods but are afraid of the risk of disturbing them. Just a touch of reworking should fix it up.
• There's another confusing spot when Callie says: “What do you mean by ‘not *much* more’?” I see what you mean but since the Doc didn't actually say the words 'not much more' is seemed was murky. You could fix simply by having Callie repeat his words i.e.: 'What do you mean by saying you never found *much* more."
• And finally, a bit of redundant writing: Truthfully, what I fear most isn’t a deception. I truly ... I realize that 'truthfully' and 'truly' are different words but given that they have the same meaning the two sentences grated a bit.

I should also point out that there are some wonderful parts of this story. As mentioned earlier, I think the whole idea of it is marvelous. In addition, there are some great humanizing touches such as the arrangement that Callie and the Doctor have set up so she can listen to his 'private' conversations. In addition, you do an excellent job of making both Callie and the Doctor feel like real people and, equally importantly, real people working together. I also thought that the pottery shard was a good touch as was the suggestion that magic once existed and may have contributed to the disappearance of the gods. So I realize that we're supposed to be 'destructive readers' here but there's a lot to like about your story and I hope to see future selections from it.

Hey there,

I'm new here and hope that I will be able to offer useful feedback.

Your Introduction

1- You gave us a sentence description, but I didn't read it. Because whatever is in that sentence should be presented in a clear way in your chapter itself. However, that is not what happened.

Callie hasn't been introduced properly. The only thing I knew from the start is that she has two brothers (and one of them died).

I did not know her age, her profession, her situation... I knew nothing. But it seems that your chapter actually expects us to know.

As I started reading, I wondered if she was the wife or the daugther of Mr. Manning. Because that would have made sense. But then she started referring to him as "Master", so I started wondering if she was a servant, or the housekeeper. So already, I had to go back to my vision of family member and change it mentally, which was jarring.

A bit later, Mr. Manning refers to her as his apprentice. And then I became totally lost. and started wondering:

- What time period is this? Are we in the present time or in the past? Are we in an alternate universe where everything's different?

- Where are they? The jungle? An exotic land? A city was mentioned, but the clothing of the military people who came was strange. Why would they dress like that if they weren't in a country that warranted it? Why didn't Callie notice their strange attire as she was observing them from the window? Either their attire is strange, in which case Callie will definitely have some strange thoughts about it, or it isn't, and Callie would react the way you descrive (i.e just thinking that she wasn't underdressed).

So, you literally gave us a lot of info and none of them were useful to me.

2- You should try to use your starting line a bit more efficiently.

In times of war, good rarely comes from an unexpected knock.

That is a very nice opening. After that, you should follow up. In other words:

- I expect to know briefly but more precisely what other bad news came from unexpected knocks. A sentence like: The last time she opened the door, it was to the news of her brother Bryan's death. (You can also insert briefly how he died and those fake sad faces that were given to Callie). And then you could say that despite the people this time looking different, she was still lowkey worried that her brother Alex was next. That was, we, as the readers, get clarity, and you can build your world better.

I also expect that Callie would immeaditely think about their outfits. That is something you notice immediately, not after a conversation. So mentioning it later felt wrong and unnatural.

Your overall presentation of the characters

3- I expect to hear Callie's thoughts a bit more often and clearly.

You wrote this in her perspective, yet some important psychological elements are omitted. Like when she came back with the towels and those soldiers were already sitting on the chairs. (Which was, bty, a hilarious scence, I love it!) There was no mental comment from her! Come on! A brief sigh? That is what they outwardly see, but was she internally so resigned, so beaten? I mean, that's totally why I thought she was a servant. Where is her personality? Show me something I can use to bound with her!

4- The doctor is fun. His personality shines through the dialogue you gave him and I like it. (It seemd to me like he is someone who likes teasing). His moustache adds to the character.

5- The description that you make of the house is unfortunately underwhelming. These people are literally entering the house of an Archeologist, and the way you choose to descrive the environment is "colorful"?

They seemed uninterested in the well-constructed and colorful furniture that held residence in Dr. Manning’s parlor.

Can you maybe imagine a few crazy objects that an archeologist like Dr. Manning would have in his house that would be ostantacious? That would serve to introduce his occupation and give us quite the vivid image. You can describe these objects as being encased in an ornate fashion. I mean, Callie is his apprentice, which means that she should be very well versed in the history of some of the objects that they got to keep and that would show as the story is presented in her POV.

6- “Get out of my house. Now!” Yelled Dr. Manning.

That is not good. Him losing control is dimishing my appreciation of him. Had he said the same words in a low and controlled voice, I would have considered him a smarter man. What does he achieve by yelling?

Well, I can tell you what. Seeming as guilty as he is. Which is why that reaction is stupid. On top, I am sure that he experienced more stressful situations than two random military people questioning him while he's eating cheese.

“We know for a fact you didn’t.”

Do they? Isn't Manning curious about what kind of proof they could bring to the table? Or is he so sure that he messed up his cover story and hid the research so badly that they must be saying the truth? As an archeologist, he is most likely very meticulous. Therefore, they are bluffing, or the way that they figured out his secret is so outrageous that he should definitely try to know how they did it.

Consistency

So, if I understood correctly, the church of their country believes that Gods, giants and monsters with magical powers could try to enslave humanity again. And so, they decide to have people destroy their research on the subject? So, they literally want LESS information to fend off their potential overpowered foes? But the military gets to keep investigating and is so desperate for the knowledge that was destroyed that they are begging the former researcher of the Era of Gods for help? Why did the Church do that? Why not take the reasearch, artifacts and discoveries for itself? It makes more sense for it to want the data for itself than to want it destroyed.

Also, I have to ask: what is the role of that Church? Obviously it couldn't be to worship God. I mean, they want to fight the Gods, or don't they? What do they do in their Church?

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Anyway, that was my take on it. I think the story is interesting, but it needs a few rounds of revisions to be at the level that it is supposed to be, and it also needs more details.

I hope that my comments weren't too harsh and that they can help you in your second round of editing.

First I'm going to write some of my thoughts about the chapter as I read through it. Once I've done that, I'm going to write about the piece as a whole.

This is a very minor thing, and other folks reading this might very well disagree with me, but I think that you should establish the setting just a little bit sooner in the very beginning. This might just be me being dense, but for the first paragraph and a little bit of dialogue I wasn't certain where the story was taking place. At first, based on your one sentence description, I assumed that the door being knocked on was in a military base or something. Since you don't really establish that it is their home, I wasn't sure how to imagine the opening scene at first. You clear this up pretty quickly, by the end of the first page, but since this is the very beginning of your novel it might be something to consider. That being said, I do like the writing in the first paragraph. Callie's observations about facial expressions are interesting.

The dialogue between the Callie and the soldiers seems a little overly formal, and the dialogue between Callie and Dr. Manning seems a little cliched, but it's nothing too egregious.

I really like the relationship that Callie and Dr. Manning have so far, especially the bit about Dr. Manning planning the conversation with the soldiers so that Callie could hear. But I think that you need to trust the reader a little bit more when conveying information to the audience. I think that section would be better if you took out the line where the narrator explicitly states that Dr. Manning had known Callie would be able to hear. I understand wanting to be sure the audience understands an idea that you are proud of coming up with, I often feel the same way. If you want to be sure the audience knows without hitting them over the head with it, maybe say something along the lines of "Dr. Manning gave Callie a meaningful glance", or a "conspiratorial wink". Personally though, I think just removing the part starting with "he knew that they would be able".

There is a similar issue in the next section. I really like the soldiers refusing the food and drink, but you should remove where it says "They had business to attend to". You successfully made that idea clear by having them refuse the food and drink in the first place.

This part isn't a criticism, I just really like your world building so far. At the beginning, the world seems mostly similar to ours, other than slight clues like the Expeditionary Force that this isn't our world, so that the reader doesn't feel blindsided later on. As the chapter progresses, you expand on the world in a way that feels pretty natural (although the dialogue is a little clunky). Thumbs up, though, on the world building.

The first paragraph on the sixth page is a clear example of telling, rather than showing. You tell us that Callie had been told stories of what Dr. Manning used to do, which is fine enough. But then you also tell us that Callie had always suspected that Dr. Manning had never destroyed his work. I think that you could probably remove all of that paragraph other than "Callie's eyes grew wide," and it would have pretty much the same result. You should try and convey more information by naturally showing the readers, rather than just telling us.

The next paragraph does the same thing. It may be better to convey this information through dialogue between the soldiers and Dr. Manning.

Dr. Manning's turn to anger seems too sudden, and a little unbelievable. That could be fixed by adding some lines in the dialogue that came before, to imply that he is slowly becoming irritated or offended. Or, you could just lengthen the dialogue and make the soldiers more antagonistic.

I'll probably talk about this more later on, but you have a tendency to exposition dump. The parts where Callie mentions humanities enslavement and when the soldiers mention the war with Bragan are two big examples of this. I understand you want to set up the world in the first chapter, but it may be better to leave the world a little more mysterious at first, and build it up gradually as the characters explore the world in future chapters.

Ok, now it's time for my more general thoughts.

Dialogue:

The dialogue was pretty good throughout, except for a couple of issues that I'll talk about. The first is that there are a few cliches throughout. Now, I'm not one of those people who obsess over eliminating cliches, and believe that unless your story is 100% original (which is impossible) then it's worthless. But, there are a few instances that I think could be improved by adding a little more personal style into them. The lines I'm going to point out aren't necessarily from any specific book or movie, they just feel familiar due to overuse in a lot of different things. Here are a few examples:

"Rei Malas is just a rumor, nothing more. Even I never found any evidence of its existence."

"I’m afraid we’re not at liberty to disclose any information,"

"Anything you must say to me, you may say in front of my apprentice,"

That's just my personal opinion though, feel free to ignore it.

Another thing that I noticed about the dialogue is that it's a little script like. For the most part you don't have many dialogue tags, which is just where you put little bits of narration around the dialogue. For example, "he said", or "she said". Dialogue tags can also be used to show what the characters are doing during dialogue however, which is something I think the story could benefit from. I'll just add a dialogue tag to one of your lines to show what it might look like.

"“What in the world is this?" Dr. Manning's cheeks flushed. "Another attempt at finding me in contempt of the Church?"

This would help make Dr. Manning's burst of anger a few lines later more believable.

Writing Style:

I don't have a lot to say about your writing style, because I think it's very good. The word choice largely seems to fit the setting. Judging by little hints like the use of a chamber pot rather than indoor plumbing, and an old-fashioned tub, it's safe to say that the world the story takes place in is significantly less technologically advanced than our own. I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my point here, but what I'm trying to get at is that your word choice fits the setting and tone that I believe you are trying to build. Kudos there.

I was poking around through old submissions when I noticed this one. Not sure if you're still working on it, or if you need any help with background, but I did a masters in archaeology and have worked in a few archaeology research labs and field schools. If you've got any questions, feel free to message me.