Source
r/OCPoetry•
MaherJ79

The Verge

Feedback Received!

Tick tick tick

The hand swings closer

Closer to the void

Walking on a knife edge

Catastrophic slip

Losing my grip

Reality really bites

Nights staring blankly

Frankly I'm so close

Close the window

Out on a ledge

Feet loose, leading

Out on tight rope

Balancing blindly

Tip toe softly, slowly

Navigating the razors edge

Decisions, visions

Eyes tightly shut

Faith in the self

A false move, a false God

True to self

Beacon calling,

honing, homing, home

Always on the verge

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fbxsmm/missing/fj88h4c?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fbz0e0/letter_to_karachi/fj870n3?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Mar 2, 2020, 12:10 AM UTC

1112
imborderlinebaby•

i think that this is some really solid work! i think that your word choice and such helps to be evocative of the general mood you’re going for - the quick short lines make it feel very frantic and suffocating, so if that’s the energy you’re shooting for, you definitely did it well.

something that you could maybe try, is introducing more concrete imagery. just sort of a common thread to really tie all of it together, yknow? ambiguity can definitely be good in proper doses, but using too much of it can make the reader feel a bit confused.

just keep writing and honing in on a good balance, though - you’ve got good stuff here! looking forward to seeing more.

2
MaherJ79OP•

Thanks for the feedback. I hear you on the imagery front. It's something I can struggle with a bit. Really appreciate the comment and the kind words.

1
wastingaway2•

I love your use of sounds in this, it just has a rhythm to it that's really cool. For instance, "Catastrophic slip

Losing my grip

Reality really bites"

Has a snappy and playful pace to it that you maintain throughout the poem, very impressive.

You use diction like "edge, verge, ledge" to clearly paint a picture of approaching some brink/point of no return, though I think you're too vague on what that edge is. I think that the edge is the narrator's mental brink, so if it is I think you should have a line that gives a clearer idea of what the narrator loses if they 'go over the edge.'

Looking forward to your later stuff - I really like your writing style

2
MaherJ79OP•

Glad you like it. Thanks for the positive comments. Again, the lack of imagery probably is a draw back but it's skittishness drives the energy and feel of the poem. If I get too descriptive I lose that I think. The verge is absolutely 100% a mental ledge. Sometimes you've gone so far that you think you've gone off to find that the ledge has moved with you , it's about how flexible and resilient we are under pressure. Some of the time. Even when we think we're not.

1
darinlaminack•

I love it :). "tick tick tick" That stuck out to me, I like it.

2
tiny_smile_bot•

:)

:)

1
MaherJ79OP•

Cheers. I thought about putting a few tocks in too.

1
darinlaminack•

It's great the way it is, don't worry lol.

1
Rezorceful•

The rhythm and tone reminds me of a TwoFeet song. I dig it.

That said, your diction interrupts the flow a certain points, such as where you wrote "Frankly...".

2
MaherJ79OP•

Thanks for the feedback. In thought it was the next line which had a stumble. The close followed by close. Blankly and frankly I thought should flow into each other.

If you had other points to highlight I would appreciate it.

Thanks again.

2
Fieldmouseinthahouse•

LOVE the start of this. Instantly had my attention. I adore the rhythm and the fact that there's some rhyme but never when you expect it. This reads like a Johnny Cash song.

My favorite bit:

Tip toe softly, slowly
Navigating the razors edge

2
MaherJ79OP•

High praise. Thanks.

1