double ribbons
tw: ed
drawstrings tied in double ribbons
double digits don’t do dishes
mirrors taking double-takes
scales in bathrooms triple-checking
triple teardrops trip on tiles
energy has triple tanked
Posted Apr 2, 2020, 3:54 PM UTC
413
Hmm like the playfulness of this domestic situation, I would say it needs more clarity, it’s a bit vague and unclear in places, unless that was the point.
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thanks for your feedback! i didn’t really want to make the poem too explicit with its meaning, i wanted it to be more about the images and details that came together to tell the story... i get how that could have made it unclear though. which lines were too vague for you?
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“ double digits don’t do dishes”
“triple teardrops trip in tiles”
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yeah i had a hunch that “double dishes don’t do dishes” would be an issue.. i’ll work on those lines. thanks again!
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Obviously the alliteration is the thing that jumps out the most. It's always great when poets don't use alliteration for the sake of it, here it is used for the imagery which I find surreal and strangely foreboding? Double taking mirrors automatically set me on edge. I'd be lying if I said what it means but certainly affected me.
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i did intend for this piece to be unsettling, so i’m really glad you got that feeling from it! although it seems to be a common theme that no one really gets the meaning, it does make me feel better knowing that the emotion came across. thanks!
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I gotta say, this poem was fun to say out loud. I like how you capture something simple, like someone noticing they put on a few and checking their weight on the bathroom scale (correct me if I that's not what you intended).
I think this poem could benefit from a little more. An extra stanza or two that leaves the reader with something to think about.
Thanks for sharing!
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you got pretty close with the meaning! it’s a bit less simple though, it’s more about the obsession of weight loss that you’d see with disordered eating. i think i will try add at least one more stanza, hopefully that will help with making the ideas clearer.
thanks for the feedback!
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Oh, I see that now!
That little extra is sure to make this poem even better :)
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Yeah, unfortunately I relate to this. I really like the alliteration and the short and simple nature of it.
However, in the first part, where you say "mirrors taking double takes" it's a tad confusing grammatically. I think if you rearranged a few words, it'd be a little clearer. Overall, I really like it.
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The “mirrors taking double takes” line was meant to personify the mirrors.. like as if the mirrors are taken aback by how much you’ve changed. Did you maybe interpret it differently? It is very possible I need to work on the phrasing there, either way.
Thank you for your feedback, i’m glad you liked it!
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Haha I don't understand this poem's meaning at all but I really enjoyed it! I'm a big fan of alliteration and near-rhymes in the middle of lines and your poem was very fun to say. I think the brevity suits the style , but perhaps I would have enjoyed a third stanza in the same fashion.
I totally agree with what you said about the length. I was actually trying to write a third stanza but i would’ve had to work with ‘single’ or ‘quadruple’, (since the original stanzas have ‘double’ and ‘triple’) and i didn’t feel like i could do as much with that. Maybe i should keep trying though. Thanks for the feedback! This is my first time posting poetry anywhere so it means a lot.