Grandpa's
The adults sat on rose-colored couches
in between floral patterned carpets
shouting politics and other obscenities
we paid them no attention
drifting into our own colorful worlds
climbing the steps shouting like monkeys
scoring tissue boxes past goalkeepers
cooking pears and mangos on pink plastic stoves
riding my cousin like a knight on horseback
right into my parents' lap and
a box of warm shawarmas
Thank you for all your feedback!
Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fu00h9/adulthood_sneaks_up_on_you/fmcw7y1/?context=3
Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fu090t/goodbye/fmcxayk/?context=3
Posted Apr 3, 2020, 11:19 PM UTC
13
I like this poem. It shows a clear difference between the seriousness of an adults life, and the innocence of the life of a child. I think you just need some more unusual examples of a childs life to make this poem perfect. I think the examples you used are good, but they're not really standing out to me.
Thank you for your feedback! I will make sure to think of more examples to add. Perhaps a line about a child's imagination would add more to the poem. Thank you for taking the time to comment!
No problem my man! It's a nice poem fore sure, and I would like to read more of your work!