To you, I am but a star
in the pool of the sky.
Lost in the chasmic stream,
You seldom comply.
While you flaunt like a comet,
Drawing gawks from passers by
I shine darkly in the void
Until the sun swells high.
Posted Apr 4, 2020, 10:12 AM UTC
I think the fleeting nature of the poem suits its broad subject matter, like night and day are changing in the blink of an eye, and this beautiful star hanging loftily in the night's sky is gone as sun rears its head in the morning. it's nice to couple that humanity with the cosmic themes the poem presents
Thanks for the feedback!
I like the simplicity of this but I’d work on a better rhyming scheme to better convey your feelings. Make the statements more powerful Edit:Looking at your last paragraph you make bold statements, and it doesn’t flow together nicely. I’d try and find words to better rhyme here
Thanks!
What statement here were not powerful; why? Where could the rhyming be improved?
I really like this. Though it's short and deals with issues between two people (the poet and the person being addressed), the use of celestial metaphors frame the subject matter in the larger, cosmic scheme of things. It was great to see the use of rhyme here, especially when it's so rare these days. It gives the poem a sense of flow and connects it all together. Good job!
Thankyou!
Hi! I'm glad you shared. I really like your style - it's sort matches my own in that I like to keep things short and sweet. I think there's a lot to like here. That said, I also think there is one main thing that can be improved on - contradictions/continuity.
I see a few lines or phrases in your poem that contradict in some way. This is important to get right because a lack of continuity can quickly throw your reader off. I'll highlight the few I saw below;
To make things succinct: 1, a star is generally lofty praise, for the speaker to say 'that's all I am to you' is a bit off. 2, comply with what? The speaker doesn't mention a request or demand before commenting they rarely comply. This just doesn't seem right to me. 3, a comet streaks across the sky; for it to draw looks from people passing by, it would have to be stationary. 4, 'shine' and 'darkly' are almost directly opposed.
There's nothing wrong with contradicting yourself with intent, but it didn't come across to me here. I hope that makes sense
As I said, I did like the poem. If you wind up updating it or anything, I would love to read the next draft.
Thanks for the feedback! With Star, I suppose I was trying to juxtapose the conventional features of a star, but I agree that it doesn’t come across as that, so thank you for pointing that out. I think the issue with comply is similar in me having an intention but not necessarily communicating that to the reader- I was referring to the laws of the universe I suppose. The shine darkly was an oxymoron, I intended it to be similar to star in using a usually positive term to communicate negative connotations. Thanks so much for taking the time to give me some great feedback!
Of course! Like I said, I’m glad you shared. I enjoyed reading it. Maybe it was just me. If you feel like you set it up enough, then by all means leave it in. Just wanted to say my impression of it.
Let me know if you end up changing it, I’d love to see how it goes