Getting over external validation

I've been reading this book and it talks about authentic/inauthentic validation. And how inauthentic validation will dissipate after awhile. Because it's not authentic. You're painting is authentic validation cause it's something that makes you unique. You should be proud of that. Everyone has a booty and can show it off. Not everyone can paint. Hope that helped.

I found complete internal validation through art. It's occasionally frustrating that only a few people understand what I'm doing but the process showed me I have a loveable heart, and it's ok to be me, awkward and odd though I am.

It took 15 years of practising and studying before I was able to make things that expressed how I feel, and I'm still learning of course, but the breakthrough came from digging deep into myself, working without much thought, just feeling, letting out whatever was in there.

It was the most intense experience of my life, turned me from a self-hating borderline alcoholic into someone I actually care for and want good things for. I was alone and mostly drunk for a good 2 decades so I feel like a child compared to my peers who've been living their lives all this time, I have a lot of catching up to do and sometimes I don't know if I can.

But I do know I want to try, instead of just obliterating myself. All those years I never imagined there'd be a time when I could say I love myself, but I do now. My arms are covered in ugly self harm scars, feels like a washboard in places, but I've had them all tattooed over now with a kaleidoscope of pretty colours.

I'm really hoping after the pandemic has subsided I'll be able to go out and try to be a part of queer culture, show the sculptures I made. It still hurts when people are mean but the validation makes it all wash away - before this I'd have seen it as confirming what I already knew, that I was worthless and contemptible, but now I know it just comes from damaged and insecure people, or sometimes from a clumsy misstep I made. But now I can forgive myself for them, instead of endlessly berating myself.

I've been on Reddit for 6 or so years, and this is the first time I've seen a post like this. I love that you're trying to be mindful about the way that you process external factors - most people never get to thinking about this.

It's difficult to give you advice because I'm not a psychologist, but I can offer you my personal experience with this difficulty.

There are periods in my life when I've really struggled with the feeling that many gay guys just ignore me and don't even give me a chance. A part of me blames it my Asian heritage and society's racial inequality. It infuriates me because I hate that something completely out of my control is such a big factor, while things that I work hard on (fitness, intelligence, fashion, skill) are ignored.

One thing that's helped me over the years is interzal validation. Maybe some people work out 5 times a week so that tons of guys on Grindr message them. Now, I mainly do it because I love the way I look in the mirror, I love the way it's an investment in my general health, and it's genuinely enjoy the sports and fitness aspects. This isn't to say that part of me doesn't like getting more attention from guys - I do like it. But everything else is a much bigger factor.

The other thing is to recognize that just because a big group likes something doesn't mean that their views are the only ones that matter. We've all seen the boom in bear culture and fetish. Hairless and hairy guys both have huge fans. Guys of different heights, races, personalities, hair color, etc. So if everyone's opinion is valid...nobody has a correct opinion. In the end, this goes back to the previous point. Who's opinion ends up being the one that matters? Yours. Because you know what's important to you.

Let's say you take a picture. You know you look good - your angle is great, you've been working out so you like your body, you're genuinely happy because you just passed a certification course. Reality: you're happy. Now, you upload it on Instagram and forget to tag it, and do it at a late hour so many people don't see it. It gets a low amount of likes. Does that invalidate everything you knew about your photo - and more importantly, how you genuinely felt? You can replace that with your art, and you know that everyone else's validation does not matter. You know that what matters is the skill shown in it, and the beauty that you've displayed.

It's easy to write down this way of thinking, but not so easy making it a norm. You mentioned mindfulness, so I suggest you find what you think is your best way of achieving that. Some people like yoga, others meditation. I like writing my thoughts out. The other thing is making an active effort to reduce your needs for external validation. I know the feeling when you see all those likes is addictive, because I've felt it too. But maybe try spacing them out a bit more. Or, keep uploading things that aren't your ass, and do what you can to not give a fuck about the less likes.

I know I've written an essay, but self-validation has been the best development in my life, and I would be happy to have helped even just one person on their way to it. Good luck!

Quartine has helped me a lot. There was so much I was doing for validation and started focusing on my mental health

You don't get over external validation. Not exactly, that's just not how it works. Losing the desire for external validation is a kind of side effect of the process of Individuation. Individuation is both a goal and a lifelong process where you develop a unique self-identity separate from that of any other individual. You become self-reliant needing only your Self to feel good about yourself.

Therapy can help you through this process but once integrated there are a whole lot of other benefits besides just a complete disregard for what others think about you, your artwork, your ass, or anything else really.

Read more here https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/individuation

One thing to realize is that external validation is still a valid form of validation. We all have a need for it to some extent, it's just not one that's accurate enough to base your sense of self-worth on, because no one knows (or should know) you like yourself.

The problem I've been working on in therapy for years is that I never received healthy external validation as a child, so that eventually became my sole focus, to the point of never having the chance to develop internal validation (or realizing that I needed to) to base my self-worth on.

And that's the hard part: without that internal validation, and the self-worth based on that, you really don't know yourself well enough to develop any of that. You need to discover yourself all over again (really, for the first time), something most people get to do in their teens and 20s.

That art you post that gets no response? Fuck what anyone else thinks, or doesn't think. Most social media is skewed towards external validation anyway--the "social" part should tell you that. If that art makes you feel good, that's what really matters.

Nothing wrong with booty pics--that took work and skill too-- but try posting fewer of them, and more of your other skills. The point is to integrate both external and internal validation. You have the external part down, you've got catching up to do on the internal part.

I think if you're getting recognition for art, it's going to be a bit higher quality attention than that from people leering at your ass. Quality over quantity.

I am curious about this post, and I am grabbing the popcorn.

So many men with nice bodies post them to get the attention, but the issue is that the attention they get is for their body. It's like, imagine being a model, and only getting attention for sex. I tell people all the time to put clothes on when they take their Tinder/Grindr pics and they complain then that they get no hits and no likes.

So how do you validate yourself? Arts and crafts for sure. Assembling Ikea furniture, but really, is there something much bigger? Well, getting a degree in something is big. Fixing your credit score is big. Learning to do CPR is big, volunteering (and NOT taking selfies) is big. It's about challenging you to be a better you. Brag when you are on a date, don't brag online unless you are feeling not good enough. If you feel worthless that much, consider counseling.

I don’t judge how valid I am from the likes and clicks of others . That’s kinda sad. I don’t judge my self worth on likes . It’s a rating that really has zero meaning on my actual real life .