[PubQ] Query Critique: Ashme's Song -- 106K adult sci-fi (fourth [and final] version)
I'm approaching my limit on the number of critiques allowed for a query. Hopefully, this version is close enough to the final. Thank you everyone for your great tips and tricks.
Current version
Dear XXX,
Ashme is a New Mesopotamian—a Meso. She dreams of being a hero, fighting against the brutal Ostarrichi ruling her country. She is an indigo child, her DNA modified by sentient AI, enabling her to control computer systems at will. With this power, she has something to offer the Meso resistance. Her twin brother, Shen, however, suffers from a genetic disorder and needs someone to care for him. Increasingly, that burden falls on her.
How can she become the hero her people need when her brother’s needs are overwhelming? If she continues caring for Shen while joining the resistance, she risks leading Ostarrichi forces to her home. If she leaves, then looking after Shen will fall to her cousin, who is already overburdened caring for his frail grandmother. As her society collapses into violence, Ashme is forced to choose between her fellow Mesos, her family, and her values.
Ashme’s Song is a 106,000-word adult science fiction novel that blends the tension of a fractured society reminiscent of The Stars are Legion with the tone of Autonomous.
My novel, Duatero, was published by Bundoran Press. My short story, “Naïve Gods,” was longlisted for a 2017 Sunburst Award. In addition to several other short stories, I have published non-fiction books and research articles. Previously, I worked in the biotech industry, where I made drugs for a living (legally—honest!).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Cheers,
____________________________________
Previous version
Dear XXX,
Ashme is a New Mesopotamian—a Meso. She yearns to fight the Ostarrichi, who came as refugees of an interstellar war but now rule over her home, systematically crushing her people.
Mason is an Ostarrichi. His dream is to create a society where his children can thrive. The war-like Mesos, however, threaten to burn his nation to ash.
Resistance armies gather their strength, promising to bring the Ostarrichi reign to an end. Ashme wants to join them, but her brother suffers from a genetic disorder and needs her to be a sister, not a warrior. She must decide how to protect her family. Should she join the resistance and fight for their home or take her brother and run?
Meanwhile, as the Ostarrichi government considers capitulating to the terms of resistance forces, Mason makes a horrifying discovery. Influential members of the army are lying to justify starting a war that will lead to the Mesos’ extermination. He must choose how to create a nation worthy of his children. Should he act to allow his leaders to give in to Meso demands or collude with the army to protect his home through an act of brutality?
As their society collapses into violence, events force Ashme and Mason to work together. Filled with animosity for each other and conflicting loyalties, they struggle to determine how to build a future for their families.
Ashme’s Song is a 106,000-word science fiction novel set in a future world of sentient AI and interstellar trade wars. Reminiscent of the political tension in James S. A. Corey’s Leviathan Wakes with complex female characters like Jeff Vandermeer’s Southern Reach Trilogy, it follows the lives of two families living in a country locked in a cycle of violence.
My previous novel, Duatero, was published by Bundoran Press. My short story, “Naïve Gods,” was longlisted for a 2017 Sunburst Award. In addition to several other short stories, I have published a non-fiction book and a variety of research articles. If you would like to read more, please contact me at XXX.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Posted May 13, 2020, 5:52 AM UTC
Much better. This works because you're actually giving me a glimpse of the choices the character faces in a succinct way rather than just summarising the plot. It gets me wanting to read it and that's the biggest thing you have going for you.
Bear in mind that other critiquers will focus on the details -- wording, nitpicks etc -- and just because I liked it at a glance doesn't mean it doesn't need any work. But at least you have the basics of a plot hook, and although this breaks some of the rules involved in formal querying, it does so in a way that shows you can write well and pose hard choices for your characters, and that's the main thing making me want to read it and see what actually happens.
You do I think want a bit more worldbuilding, in the sense that you've got a lot going on that's unexplained -- Indigo Child, etc -- but because this is so short, you've got room for about 50 words fleshing out the concepts. However, that is a hard balance to achieve, and you need to be careful you don't lapse again.
But this is so much better and so much more like a hook that you should be proud of getting this far with it. Bravo. Best of luck with this :).
Thank you! Hammering out a good query has been quite a process. I would have been unable to get it this far without the help of this sub. Maybe a shade more tinkering, and off it goes. Thank you for your help.