i need some advice/help/someone that can possibly relate

previously

very long story short, i'm still going through a friend break up of sorts...from 3 years ago. it still affects me to this day. and it's over something stupid. i didn't have sex with her or anything, but he wouldn't forgive me for talking to his ex. i tried to apologize numerous times, but to no avail. his life is 10x better than mine. he lives in cali, has a gf, has a good job, and is living life.

I'm in therapy, I'm still single, lost my job due to covid, and i still live at home.

everything just sucks.

i get obsessed with snooping. i deleted all my social media last year. it helped.

i saw some weird phone number that might have been related to the ex-friend of mine. i almost typed it into my phone once and it drove me crazy for 2 weeks. i had my finger hover over the dialpad (it was 1 of the 3 possible phone numbers I found. my anxiety is super high so don't remember which ) had my finger twitched and accidentally hit the dial button. i instantly disconnected.

i typed it into my computer + almost pressed enter yesterday. idk why i bring myself to madness when I'm doing seemingly decent. of course i didn't look anything up. i don't wanna know any number. i don't want anything to do with this person. they threw our friendship away.

idk why this is happening. idk how to forgive myself. idk why my ocd always turns into negative compulsions.

how do i forgive myself? how do i stop this from happening again? why do these negative compulsions happen?

i want to weaken these neural receptors. i don't wanna think about this. i wish I actually got anti-depressants. i know they aren't a cure all, but if it'd help me stop feeling like this, I'll take it.

(it doesn't help that I'm a black man and everything going on with the police brutality protests make my anxiety 10x worse)

help (sorry if I sound super manic)

update 1: I've had a session with my therapist, and I've been feeling a little better. i think my biggest thing is if I'll ever overcome all of this. I'm committed to change, but I'm afraid I'll be like this forever.