Source
r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

Someday

Time and I

/

time speaks to me

through the dawn-lit leaves

what will you do today?

everything, I say

/

time sings to me

through the midday breeze

what are you doing today?

something, I say

/

time says to me

through the daily eves

what have you done today?

nothing, I say

/

time swears to me

through those we grieve

Tomorrow is another day

someday,

someday, I say

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/hlyce6/what_for/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/hjqv6f/my_mother_before_me/

Edit: title "someday" -> "time and I"

Posted Jul 6, 2020, 6:54 AM UTC · edited

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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CardChemist•

How about "Time and I" ? That was my original idea.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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CardChemist•

Thanks.

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CyCoCyCo•

I really like the way you wrote it, especially with the increasing intensity in something, nothing, someday ...

Minor points to work on:

  • As discussed in the other comments, I feel that your other title, Time and I would work much better. Mainly because that was the suspense builds up for the last line, versus giving it away in the title..

  • it’s a formatting thing, but someday, someday I say looks broken up in a gray box to me (visually). So it took away from the impact of that amazing last line for me ..

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CardChemist•

I'm not sure how to indent, but I got rid of the gray box. Thanks for the feedback.

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CyCoCyCo•

It looks great now, thanks!

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FriedHeart•

Oh absolutely WOW!
this hit home because it portrays my personal relationship with time too!
I love how creatively you've described it so Thank you.

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CardChemist•

Thanks for comment!

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DeminaCross•

Ooooh I really enjoyed reading this! I literally felt the tug and pull relationship between time and the narrator. It starts off with active optimism and dwindles down to passive optimism which i loved.

And the rhyme scheme you used really painted the picture of time working against the season. For some reason I pictured Autumn in my head :)

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CardChemist•

I actually had autumn in my head as well when I first started the poem and didn't know where it was going yet lol. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

1