[685] - Festival of Lights

I think the small observations you had about the characters was good, I think you could go a long way by working on them. A few parts of the story feel stale, maybe try making it crisp by taking a break from this story for a few days. And as for the ending, just start with an imaginary happy or sad ending for the main character. An example for a sad outcome would be the girl doing something so irrevocably bad that guilt will eat her for a long time. Just stick with an outcome and keep writing towards it, you can hopefully realise whether this ending feels natural or not after writing substantially, but do write. The other thing you could try out is, figuring out how your characters would be before and after the timeline that your story is set in. What was she like when she was 14? Was she famous at school, a loner? What was she inclined to? Does she miss someone from her childhood? In a similar fashion, how is she at 40? Is she married? What does she do for work? This could help you with getting to know your characters better and in turn help with the story you are writing. P.S :- There is no sure shot way to this, you just gotta keep hitting it, take a walk, live a little, and come back to hitting it. All the best!

This is my first critique, so I apologize if I'm breaking format a bit. I did a little bit of line-by-line.

*"Waves of electronica enveloped everything"*This is a challenging image for me, because of the way I personally perceive music. Words like "envelop" seem much more tactile (like heat), or visual (like fog), so it takes me a second to try to picture what you're describing. Perhaps more audio-related words would be appropriate - things like "echoed" or "reverberated" or even "bounced" or "pulsed" in the case of electronica.

*"the solitary sign"*This begs the question: what kind of sign is it? Are we talking about a street sign? A concern sign?

*"citrus-shaded"*This is a little vague; as a consumer of a lot of limes, you may want to go with another orange/amber colored thing to reference.

*"For Sophia’s mind was turbulent; emotional outbursts were regular."*You'll want to remove the word "For." I'm not sure if technical edits are appropriate in this sub, but the sentence works without it.

*She thought about how she went through people fast, like paper towels in a public bathroom. It’s as if each new social connection was just discarded, by some unknown power.*If you remove the word "fast," I think that tightens up this image. Additionally, the "by some unknown power" makes it weaker, unless you plan to introduce that unknown power.

*"was secretly hoping"*This could be tightened with "secretly hoped" to avoid the passive form of the verb.

*"She took a step back and leaned her tall, lithe figure against the sign."*I still want to know about this sign!

*"A 7/11 sign in the distance caught her wet eyes. Her throat was dry,"*This uses contrasting language, but I wonder if it would be stronger if, instead, you had the breeze from the previous paragraphs dry her eyes, and maybe cause them to sting a little bit, so that it aligns well with her parched throat, and her thirst for companionship.

*"The door rang as she opened it."*Because there isn't any transition between the distant 7-11 and then actually entering the 7-11, this took me a second to know what happened. And now that I know we've entered the 7-11, I want to know more about the previous place. Where was she parked, that the 7-11 sign is so distant? Did she walk to the 7-11? Did she drive? I wonder if the whole previous section could have just taken place in the 7-11 parking lot, maybe while filling up at the adjoining Arco gas station or something? Just a thought. Without filing in some of the details, it's hard for me to place the character in her setting.

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So that's all the technical challenges I saw. As far as readability, interest in the character, I think the only thing that I feel is lacking is the relationship between the character and the setting, like I said before. A part of hooking me into a story is caring about what the character is doing, but a lot of that is built into how a character fits into the setting. With a new phone and BMW SUV, I imagine that she's not the typical 7-11 shopper. So there's a class-conflict opportunity to expand on. Is she a rich girl hanging out in a poor neighborhood? She's 31, but her dad is buying her a nice phone and car. What's the deal there? Does she live at home? These are some things that can help me sense what kind of girl she is, and that'll make me want to know more about this Andy fellow.

Sophia's brief interaction with Rico gives you a lot of opportunity, too. If she's so vulnerable to this kind of attention, perhaps some compare/contrast between Rico and Andy could be drawn. Did Andy not give her much attention? Or does Rico remind her of Andy in some way? Those are some things that you can expand on in order to make Sophia a bit more three-dimensional.

I'm mainly going to go with the chronological approach, but first some general remarks: To me, Sophia came across extremely dislikable, and I found myself wishing bad things to happen to her. Was this intentional? As for the structure, there are two scenes, the first one outside her car, where you don't do much but establish her self-pitying character—I found this a bit confusing and boring; and the second one, where she goes into the store and acts like an absolute lunatic—I found this confusing, but intriguing.

Here are my more detailed observations:

Scene 1

It was like an outdoor music festival, less the festive spirit, but just as loud and just as bright. Waves of electronica enveloped everything, the oak trees, the grass, the solitary sign, but the melancholy was firmly anchored.

You're setting the scene, we're somewhere in nature, but there's loud music and bright lights, and something is sad. Okay.

Underneath the stars, the chrome SUV glistened. The citrus-shaded hazard lights flashed rhythmically while the sound system pumped EDM into the warm summer air.

So, for some reason it's now dark enough for us to see the stars. I thought there were bright lights everywhere, have we been teleported somewhere else? Anyway, someone seems to have been driving a ridiculously flashy car, but now the hazard lights are on, so I suppose they had some sort of accident? They are still blasting their music into nature at full volume like an asshole, though, which makes me wonder whether the driver is unconcious or dead. Also, no idea what citrus-shaded is supposed to mean. Are you trying to describe a color? Citrus fruits can be orange, green, yellow, pink, pretty much the whole visible spectrum. All you're saying is it's not blue. I suppose your version does sound more poetic than "the not blue hazard lights flashed rhythmically."

Sophia, stood outside, arms-crossed, phone-in-hand. Her dad bought her the iPhone and BMW but there was little consolation to her now.

Ah, not unconcious or dead, just spoiled and sad.

She realized her text conversation with Andy would probably be her last. The heated argument had taken place all over text. For Sophia’s mind was turbulent; emotional outbursts were regular.

I guess this means she had the accident because she was texting while driving? I'm confused why her mind being turbulent should cause that heated argument to take place over text. Or were you trying to say something different? "She realized" is weak, get rid of it, we're already in Sophia's POV. Also, show me an emotional outburst instead of telling me they're regular.

Sophia slowly closed her eyes, then tightened them.

I have no idea how or why you would close your eyes slowly. I know that cats do it to tell you they like you. Is Sophia a cat?

“Why can’t I get along with people?” she wailed in her head.

Oh, I guess she's crying. What's with the "wailing in her head", though? You were telling me about emotional outbursts, but this seems to be just the opposite. Why isn't she actually wailing?

She thought about how she went through people fast, like paper towels in a public bathroom.

Why does the speed at which she goes through paper towels depend on whether the bathroom is public or not? This is a weird simile.

Andy was just a nice guy, and she was secretly hoping that they could eventually start dating. The guys from the apps were way hotter but they quit her as soon as they realized she was a hot mess.

Alright, so Andy, the guy with whom she was having an argument so heated she's afraid she'll never talk to him again, isn't the guy she's dating, he isn't someone "from the apps", and it seems he isn't a friend either—he's "just a nice guy" she secretly hopes to date. I'm hella confused, what was that awful argument even about?

Becky popped into her head. She was her only gal pal left. But now it’d take days for her to return texts. She was getting married. To a doctor.

Good, Becky is still her friend, even if her priorities have shifted somewhat. The "to a doctor" line solidifies my dislike for Sophia—she's living off her rich parents, but she's begrudging her last friend the marriage to a well-off husband.

She’d still bring up Becky in her conversations as her “friend”. Just to not come off as a social outcast, which she was.

Oh, wait, Becky isn't still her friend, Sophia is only pretending.

“You have a big personality.” Becky, always the supportive friend, consoled her.

Oh, wait, Becky is her supportive friend after all.

Sophia thought about the reality of being a social outcast forever.

Oh, wait, Becky can't be her supportive friend if in reality Sophia is a social outcast forever.

That was the first scene, and at the end of it I'm kind of bored by Sophia's incoherent self-indulgent thoughts. You have been sounding the bitch alert at every opportunity, so whatever happens next, I'm rooting for her to get into some real trouble that makes her wish she could go back to the life she has been bitching about so incessantly.

The tone seems to change in the next scene:

Scene 2

Her throat was dry, and this was something that could be quenched quite easily. Her lasting thirst for companionship would have to wait for now.

This sounds ominous and weird. Are we in a vampire romance now?

His short sleeved t-shirt exposed his hair arms.

Maybe nitpicky, but isn't short sleeves what makes a T-shirt a T-shirt? Also, "hair arms"?

Sophia flashed a quick fake smile. She was used to attracting male attention and lived like an unwedded princess in an imaginary castle.

Why would unwedded princesses live in imaginary castles, don't they have real ones? No idea what this means, but what I am getting from this is that Sophia isn't keen on male attention and tries to fend it off with quick fake smiles.

“I’m okay” she coldly replied.

She clearly doesn't want the attention. This has been firmly established now, so I hope this won't magically change in the next few paragraphs (spoiler alert).

Hundreds of drinks lay in formation before her. Not just the classic reds and blues, but much much more. There were bottles with soothing pastels and those with rich earth-tones. Fizzy and those lacking fizz. Fruit flavored liquid candies, energy elixirs, richy creamy shakes. Creamy cocktails which promised muscle development, potions promising 5 hours of energy and concoctions that made an oath to assist in healthy digestion.

Something really strange and confusing is going on now. Is she having a stroke? Is this a drug reaction? I'm intrigued, but I don't understand the sudden change in tone—why the weird fantasy witch shop potion descriptions?

Decision making was not Sophia’s strongpoint. She would randomly pick up a bottle, read the description and put it back. The more she did this, the more confused she got.

Okay, something's definitely wrong with Sophia now, she acts like she's never seen a beverage aisle before. Is this supposed to convey that she has been living such a sheltered life that she has never been to a shop and only gets served freshly pressed orange juice at home in her mansion? This doesn't seem to fit, she has a car, and she's wise to the male attention she has been getting, so she clearly gets around. I don't understand what's going on.

Rico wandered over to her with some boxes of granola bars to stock them. He was curious about this girl. Who was this girl with model-like beauty, so confused for something as basic as choosing a midnight snack?

The POV suddenly changes to Rico for one paragraph. Don't do that.

Sophia stood there, dumbfounded. So many choices? What if I chose the wrong one?

Is she Indiana Jones choosing the holy grail now, and if she gets it wrong she's going to die? What the fuck is going on?

Sophia giggled. At this point, any conversation was welcome.

Oh snap, looks like she wants the attention after all, who would have thought. She hasn't even quenched her actual thirst yet and is going straight for her thirst for companionship. Everything I thought this text had taught me about Maslow's hierarchy of needs is wrong!

“Everything’s fine, I’m just tired from a night at the bars.”

So not just texting while driving, also DUI? I hope you don't want me to like this character anytime soon.

All in all, I don't get where you're going with this. You said you couldn't come up with an ending, so I guess you're not going anywhere.

Here's my suggestion for an ending: After the accident, her brain is bleeding, which explains her erratic behavior in the shop. After she says she's tired, she sits down on the floor with her stupid bunny milk and dies. Her saying that her text conversation with Andy would probably be her last was foreshadowing.