This is my first submission! This is only a small part of a bigger story.
I'll take any feedback I can get. Hope you guys like it!
Critique: [1187]Just A Regular Guy
Submission: (1270) SoulCatcher
Posted Aug 30, 2020, 8:26 PM UTC
Hi there; I have a thesis and a re-registration I need to work on, but I made the 'mistake' of opening your document--'mistake' in that I knew I wanted to leave feedback on this one by the second paragraph.
(I think this will be the fourth critique I've given on this subreddit?)
You didn't enable comments in your Google doc, so I'm limited to the critique in terms of feedback. There are many places, for instance, where I'd have suggested minor comma insertions or alternate wordings, etc, but I'll compensate by providing more examples in the Prose section.
Although I considered starting with Prose, for once, since much of my critique will be rooted there, it's probably best to open with Plot.
#Plot
By the end of the excerpt, I am given to understand the following:
Right. I can tell you want to intrigue your readers in the way you tease information: the casual mention of "spiked water bottles" early on aims to pique curiosity, not long after we get 'elf', 'thrill-seeker', love potion', 'killing evil'... By the end of this excerpt, you're hoping, ideally, that the reader wants to know what exactly the narrator has in mind for 'phase two'.
The question is, did you succeed?
Ish. It's not that I'm disinterested so much as I'm far too hung up on the "712 days" detail. I'm expected to take in stride that this elf has been watching this college student for nearly two years, 24/7...seen no evidence that he's anything but normal during that time...and is only implementing 'phase 2' *now? Did she agree to two years minimum during the mission briefing?
Maybe part elves are long-lived in your world, so this "long-term" mission is still relatively not a significant amount of time in the grand scheme of her life...but she clearly isn't having that much fun, she thinks this is a drag.
I think, in your bid to create intrigue, you deliberately chose to be vague about her job, her mission, her plans--but I fear this has slightly backfired; again, though I'm not not interested, I'm too occupied with scratching my head over the logistics, and, ultimately, why I should care.
It might be more apt to say, "why the narrator cares." I'll expand on this more in CHARACTERS, but for now...the narrator herself calls the mission 'pointless' (even though she seems to think there's still 'evil' to expose in him?), the college student meanwhile has signaled nothing preternatural or 'evil', and the mission has been dragging on for two uneventful years--and, together, these components don't exactly instill a sense of urgency or importance in the reader, either.
"Evil" is the vaguest bit of all. Since she's been waiting for this college student to do something 'supernatural', or 'out of the ordinary' - to 'show his true self' - I guess her employers suspect he's some sort of 'evil' fantasy class or race who's been passing as human? But it's so vaguely implied, + our narrator doesn't really exhibit any fear or disgust (beyond normal disgust toward being in a soiled bed) or [insert negative emotion here] toward someone suspected of being 'evil'. She remarks that she likes "killing evil" with nonchalance, even.
So, let's review. The setup: "Our part-elf narrator, who has spent the past two years failing to get the college student she's been investigating to reveal his 'true (evil~) colors', is preparing implement 'phase two' in a bid to trigger his evilness once and for all."
Main issues: You're trying to generate suspense & intrigue primarily through coy information teasing--you're vague about her mission, why the student is a target, and other elements in a bid to pique curiosity. The reader is left asking, "Will the narrator succeed?" but also, "What's phase two, why does she think this will work after 2yrs of nothing (and why is she only trying whatever she's trying now?)
Unfortunately, the reader may also be asking "what's the big deal" since the narrator clearly doesn't think much of this 'pointless' mission, and since the college guy hasn't...done anything. "Evil" sounds inherently concerning, but we don't know what "evil" means in this world or to the narrator specifically (beyond the fact she likes killing it. For funsies, I guess? The thrill? Doesn't seem to be out of concern or morality.)
This brings me to...
#CHARACTERS
...wherein I can simultaneously talk more about the narrator and the student while considering how to address the above issues.
First, let me just say I was conscious the entire time of the lack of names for either of them. Not only does she only ever think of the college student as "he," neither of these characters once address each other by name. Why? Was this a deliberate choice? Did you perhaps want to convey her lack of personal care for this man by depersonalizing him? (e.g. "she keeps him at mental distance). If that's the case, I'd suggest adding a line where she privately acknowledges her choice to rarely think of him via his name. It doesn't quite explain why he never uses her name, though. It's easy to follow along now since there are only two people in this scene, but I just think it's worth questioning the absence of names.
Now...I saw you say the following to another redditor:
This chapter is to establish the way this person feels about the other person.
I don't think the feelings expressed in this chapter are particularly complex, strong, or compelling. I'm not saying they need to be all of these at once, or that they can or should be, say, complex, but I do think the narrator's feelings toward the student and the mission overall are...lackluster. The first couple paragraphs make her seem almost distressed about the situation she's in, but that sense of distress fades fairly quickly.
We get to this...
“Hi. Good morning.” I said, sounding much too chipper for what I really felt inside.
...but "what she really feels inside" isn't defined here; we understand by this point she's not impressed by his indolent way of waking up, and that she's faking being 'smitten', but these are just surface level expressions of personal disinterest. And as we read on, it turns out she's mostly just...bored. He's too boring for her tastes. Does she not have any more strong, specific opinions about specific aspects of him?
I was a thrill seeker, an adventurer. I loved jumping off buildings and doing flips in the air. This wasn’t my idea of fun. Everyday I prayed he would do something out of the ordinary, something supernatural, something that might give my life more meaning.
But this doesn't exactly paint her the picture of proactive agency. The impression I'm left with is that she's (been) fairly...passive; she's been "watching and waiting" for two years, she's been 'praying' he would do something interesting--but has she ever suggested, I dunno, "couple's activities" like hiking together or bungee jumping?
Painting these past two years as consisting of nothing but the narrator "watching and waiting" and the college student being a flat, boring, 'average' college student is depriving both of characterization opportunities and depriving the reader of any sense of tension or relationship history. If our narrator had tried many times over the course of the past to years to entice the college student into fun dates ("what kinda hot-blooded guy in his twenties doesn't want to do xyz?") - hiking, rock climbing, rollerblading...
...and this guy has either refused or shown very little interest in what she likes to do for fun (she's always faking interest in his activities but he can't muster interest in hers? Or he's interested but only because it matters to her, not because he enjoys the activities himself. He's more into gaming, couch potato activities, stuff that bores the snot out of her)...
(Actually, I forgot she's been drugging him with a love potion. What, is he too 'lazy' even when drugged with a potion to accompany her on her hobbies?)
..then that could be a point of resentment, which is a much stronger personal feeling and point of tension than "boredom that's not boring enough for her to beg off the mission." Showing that she's made an active effort to engage with him would also complement her mission to, uh, 'expose his evil'--after all, spending all her time watching this guy do his normal routine without trying to actively investigate 'who he is' / see what he's like outside of it seems...too passive for a field agent.
It's been two years, yet she scans his room in the second paragraph with perfunctory familiarity. The room's description doesn't say much about who the college student is, for that matter, and boy do I have a lot of suggestions regarding that second paragraph to voice in the Prose Section--but for now, suffice it to say, I think you're missing out on a lot of characterization opportunities with such a plain assessment of the room.
Has she rifled through his pungent laundry for 'evil evidence'? Ransacked the closet? Is she the type who has zero interest in video games, as I've presumed she is (due to her love of adventure)? Has the boyfriend asked her to play video games with him? Does she feel bitterness or disdain about those consoles?
On the flipside, are video games this guy's only hobby? IF the room reflected more of his hobbies and personality, and the narrator expressed more familiarity and intimacy with the room (and connected memories and feelings to what she's seeing), then we might just be getting somewhere.
TBC
Critique continued.
#Prose
The components I want to especially talk about here are: details (add more!); brevity (lots of opportunities to tighten sentences); and sentence rhythm/structure (vary!).
I could tell that you had a picture in mind while writing; you strive to sketch out the layout of the room, you pay attention to physicality (yay!)--I liked that the opening paragraph is highlighting an incongruity between the narrator's assessment that the man looked 'peaceful' vs the twisted blankets, matted hair, sweat. I wanted to know "what's up with that guy?"
However, the picture that's filtering through isn't as vibrant as I think you're definitely capable of making it be. I'd encourage you to not only be more specific if not generous in your descriptive detail, but give additional consideration as to which details you include when.
The second paragraph is a great case study for these suggestions:
I picked at my blonde curls. When was all this going to be over? When could I stop seeing these four walls and sleep in the comfort of my own bed. I scanned the length of his bedroom and stopped at the bra that wasn’t mine peeking under the large dresser across from the bed. I frowned at the heaping pile of dirty and smelly clothes in his hamper in the corner of his room. A handful of clothes didn’t quite make it in or he gave up on trying. His closet didn’t quite shut all the way, crammed in with sports equipment, trophies, old video games consoles, and different cables, wires, extensions that I didn’t know where they belonged to. It would be nice to go home. Real home, where I could be my true self. I could rip these curls off, I could dress the way I wanted to. I could -
u/DropAnchor has actually already voiced some of the specific thoughts I had while reading this. "Unfamiliar bra," for instance, was the first thing that came to my mind as a means of tightening the fourth sentence. "Cables, wires, and extensions" could be reduced to 'cables'--again, similar minds on that one. Also with this bit:
He had that look that I couldn’t quite place. I’d seen that look many times on other couples, couples that were smitten with each other. A look that I always had to mirror if I wanted to continue with this pointless mission.
Again, this is lacking specificity. What look? Even if she can't quite tell what makes an expression 'loving' (this bit made me think she's never been in love, not that I've ever been in love myself), she might at least be able to describe the crinkling of his eyes, the affection imbued in his smile.
As I said in part 1, though, this paragraph is overall a tad too plain in its description. "Large dresser" could be flavored even just by saying "large, unused dresser bolted to the floor." You can make the pungency of his clothes more gross by pointing out she can smell them from across the room -- but wait a moment, recall now my suggestion/inquiry into whether MC has ever rifled through his possessions, looking for evidence of evil. Has she? Then you can be all the more visceral here by having MC wrinkle her nose, recalling "plunging her hands into the heap, rifling through pockets on the off-chance he'd forgotten [xyz clue]." "Four walls" is very drab.
(Ah, addendum to my characters section: I'd forgotten about the inclusion of sports equipment. Is he still into sports, or are these trophies from, say, long-past junior high competitions he still takes pride in despite, say, having switched from sports to esports in college? If he's still into sports, which is likely given I don't see why he'd have brought equipment to college if he wasn't, then he most be somewhat active, so--again--has she not tried engaging him in activities more to her taste these past two years?)
This paragraph also could benefit from a little more variety in sentence structure. "I picked / I scanned / I frowned get a bit rote in close succession (this is one of the pitfalls people commonly fall into with 1st person PoV, and why I personally have a harder/less enjoyable time writing it)--I suggest generally looking out for repetitive structure and words throughout the whole piece.
Examples that I would have highlighted if comments were enabled:
comfort of my own bed...across from the bed.
He rubbed his eyes and raised his arms over his head grazing my arm. He opened his eyes,
That one is a double example of repeated structure and repeated words. He...eyes, He...eyes, He had that look...
He shifted and groaned. He pulled the blankets over his head, as if that would block his ears from the noise.
Repetitive structure can be cured here by condensing this actions, ex) "He shifted, groaned, and pullled the blankets over his head." Much more succinct; no need for the "as if" qualifiers either.
And keep an eye out for places where you can tighten sentences. Yet again, DropAnchor also spotted one of the sentences that caught my eye:
“I could hear someone yell from the other room, one of his many roommates, to shut the goddamn thing off.”
If I'd been able to comment on the GDoc, I would have suggested: "One of his roommates wailed for him to shut the goddamn thing off." This is an easy opportunity to avoid another "I [verb]" beginning--'hear' is a filter verb. Hell, you could go one step further and have the roommate use the student's name, if you're trying to avoid MC use it. "...shut the goddamn thing off--Chrissakes, [name], it's seven AM..."
I think you could have more gracefully introduced the spiked water bottle detail--rather than telling us about them, how about you show us? If he believes she let herself in, maybe she can nod to his nightstand and say something like, "I picked up a couple more of those vitamin waters you like" (followed by an internal: ...and spiked them while you were snoring away or something like that).
The "thrill seeker...potentially him" paragraph is one of the weaker ones. I think I've already essentially expressed why by now? You could have given us more of an idea of both their hobbies earlier on by having MC compare them when considering the room. "I had found nothing except for the fact that he invited..." -- is this all she has to say about him? It's the most notable aspect of his life? Were the sports equipment and old consoles the only other hints we have as to his interests? If so, then I really do think you need to show us she actually did try to give him a chance to be interesting. I don't have any sense of his life outside these four walls beyond the fact he has sports equipment and actually went to the library to cram.
The contrast between the childlike/peaceful descriptors and the man's physical state had my interest, but you don't follow through on it--on what made the intro paragraph interesting. So far the college student isn't living up to the expectations I had from the intro; or at least, the curiosity toward him has thus far been unsatisfied. Was there supposed to be something to the duality, or did I just read too much into your opener?
###SPAG
A good number of your sentences could stand to gain from a single comma OR a single comma + slight modification; that is to say, I'd commonly reach a sentence and think to myself, "there's a comma missing." The "I scanned the length..." sentence is an example that needed more tweaking than just a comma, as well as the "I played along...as he grinned" line, but below find a few examples of single sentences that I've added commas to or sentences that can be tweaked to minor degrees.
He rubbed his eyes and raised his arms over his head**[,]** grazing my arm.
.
“Do you have plans today?” I asked as I pulled away before he could squeeze my boob.
Suggest: "I asked**, pulling away**"
I played along, knowing by the look in his eyes that he had forgotten but hid it so well as he grinned.
Actually, wait, this sentence needs a proper tweak. 'Played along' doesn't quite work in the order of information presented to us. Maybe instead...
> "I missed you too. Happy anniversary!" > His arms stiffened around mine. Of course he'd forgotten, but who could blame him when he had at least six more anniversaries to remember, right? I continued playing along when he drew back to give me a warm grin.
I didn’t believe in sex before marriage, which at that point, I could have...
This bit didn't make a lot of sense to me. I do suggest enabling comments on the Doc if you want line-by-line feedback + highlighting grammar mistakes--if you don't want that sort of feedback, that's entirely fine, of course.
The back-and-forth, er, 'flirting' (?) becomes 'blah'. We get the idea that she isn't into him, that she's faking, but since she's merely disinterested instead of exhibiting a stronger feeling like revulsion and her 'acting' is dully written "I moaned and pretended to get into it," these actions aren't particularly interesting to read over & over either. By the "as I pulled away / as he clutched my waist" paragraph it's reading like a blow-by-blow. I'm the first to admit I don't really find these sorts of scenes interesting in general, but even I can find this particularly uninteresting since it's not interesting for the MC, who's just going through the motions rather than feeling particular emotions over it.
The "willed myself to not run...suffocating" final line is suggesting revulsion, but quite honestly doesn't feel like it's reflecting the same level of emotions she's exhibited up tot his point. Her negative emotions simply have not been this strong, for the most part. As DropAnchor pointed out, only a few moments ago she was actually indulging in the fun of 'teasing' him. Simply being bored is one thing, being repulsed or disgusted or sickened is another. Maybe her feelings have changed over time.
Any additional critique + concluding remarks will have to be written in a third reply, since I am approaching the character limit of this comment.
#Dialogue
Most of the lines of dialogue are single sentences of shallow content (intentionally so) that, in real time, would probably be a quickly paced back-and-forth. Here, the pacing of the dialogue is slowed by the interim descriptions of action and/or MC's internal thoughts.
Since the hot-and-heavy action is hardly hot, heavy, or varied... (it's mostly comprised of Student hugging/clutching MC and MC pulling away, it gets stale. Heck, MC herself isn't interested in it. I appreciate that you describe physicality, which is why I'd like to see you expand your repertoire of physical actions and interactions) ...I'd suggest the action description be targeted first for trimming so as to make things a bit more snappy. At the same time, as I've suggested, perhaps replace or vary the actions you repeat the most.
That said, trimmed down action won't save the dialogue from itself: I know you clearly intend for the unspoken content to be the interesting aspect--the dialogue's as trite to MC as it is to us, she's just playing along--but this doesn't excuse the dialogue from being bland. Rather, the fact that the dialogue is bland isn't helping, if you know what I mean.
There's other contextual improvements you can make. How the dialogue is framed, for instance.
Look at page 3.
"I'll let you get ready." I [flirtatious action]. He [firtatious action]. internal scheming.
"I am beginning the next paragraph with another single sentence of dialogue?" I [speech verb] as I [anti-flirtatious action]. He [flirtatious action].
"Me too!" he [speech verb / flirtatious action combo.
Two sentence action + internal scheming.
"Wow, two sentences of dialogue this time." Internal scheming.
Followed by the second time on that page that dialogue follows a sentence. Heck, I think the "he looked me up and down" line from page 1 is the only time you split dialogue in a paragraph.
I'd go over page 2, but I'll leave you to do that. Also, as an exercise, separate the dialogue from the text and read it like it were a script. How telling is this dialogue? If he had a nightmare (i.e. "hey what was up with paragraph 1," perhaps she could ask him about it? Is there lingering tension from any recent event - like with that 2 AM incident - that could be reflected in their exchange here?"
#Misc
Before I begin wrapping things up, a few miscellany:
Dialogue tag grammar: In the event you don't enable comments on your Doc, I'll just advise you brush up on proper punctuation and capitalization for dialogue tags. (Honestly, it's something all writers should brush up on once in a while, myself included.)
“How was Chicago?” He asked as he embraced me
When dialogue ends in a question or exclamation mark, the subsequent dialogue tag should not be capitalized, like so:
> "How was Chicago?" he asked, nuzzling my neck with his chin.
(Note: I do actually suggest removing 'embraced me' there, since you start the second paragraph down essentially the exact same way: "I missed you so much." He hugged me tightly.... He hadn't stopped embracing her, so you're just saying he hugged her, but like, extra hugged her.)
“I can skip.” He said in between breaths
This should be: "I can skip," he panted. (Using panted to illustrate this is another opportunity for tighter language.)
Same with...
“Hi. Good morning.” I said,
You should use a comma instead of a period after 'morning'. When action follows dialogue, you can end the dialogue with a period. When a dialogue tag is following the dialogue, you should end the dialogue with either a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark.
He eyed me curiously, “Oh?”
When action precedes dialogue, it should end with a period most of the time.
“What time did you come in?” He laughed and looked me up and down, “You’re still in your clothes?”
Down should end with a period.
Numerals: For large numbers like 712, using numerals is probably fine. However, I'd suggest writing small numbers out rather than using numerals--for instance, "three hours" instead of "3 hours." How many girls did he sleep with? Five, not 5. "Three girls," not "3 girls."
Whenever you get around to SPAG editing, I'd suggest using em-dashes instead of hyphens where appropriate.
Misc Student observation: you know, he may be a philanderer, but in light of the "told him I didn't believe in sex before marriage" line, perhaps it says something about him that he has chosen to be with her for two years despite his libertine habits. The question is 'what'? Has he been pushy? (I hope not). If not, how does she feel about that?
(Edit: Sorry, forgot for a hot second there she's been dosing him with love potion. That explains that.)
Also, I have no idea why woman are flinging themselves at this "average college student." The only hints of hobbies we see are the sports equipment and video games, but nothing beyond the first paragraph really paints him as particularly...interesting? It's all a bit ridiculous.
#Concluding Remarks
Specificity is your friend. If you're going to specify she's part-elf, for instance, you might want to specify 'what' he is (or, if he's presenting as human', indicate this). Be more specific in the details you use when describing the room, for it can reflect more about the student's personality and illustrate a lot about MC herself has interacted with and feels about the room that she's so done with.
Reconsider the vagueness of the teasing information you're "dangling like a piece of candy" in front of us. Right now I only have MC's word that there's 'something' suspicious(ly 'evil') about Student, whatever that means, so I'm more 'wondering what she means' than 'eager to see what's up.'
It would help if this seemed like more of a big deal to MC than it is. Let's say, based off the final line, that MC is nearing the end of her rope. She was merely bored, for a time, but over the last several months, that boredom has shifted to resentment, irritation, impatience. Why can't the man just show his true colors, already? She wants to move on.
Is she the sort of person who would, past a certain point, plant evidence or force him to 'be evil' (even when he isn't) just to have results for HQ?
If not, if she really still believes 'evil' is still lurking within him, and that phase 2 will expose it, then I'd like to know why she's so dedicated. If she gets her kicks out of 'killing evil,' them man is this ever delayed gratification. There's nothing to indicate she's doing this out of a sense of duty or morality, so I'm left unsure as to why she accepted this mission in the first place since the tired old "woman seduces man out of ulterior motives" trope surely couldn't have sounded thrilling in the mission brief.
Maybe she gets a certain thrill out of the moment of betrayal--that is, maybe playing the long-con can be thrilling in its own way--but I don't know that, do I?
Since your submission is only three pages of what's intended to be a longer piece (a novel? Novella?) it might be helpful if you gave us beta readers an idea of where the plot is meant to go from here, or give us 'insider's information' as to what exactly her mission is/what you mean by evil, what the deal is in general.
I think I'd better cut myself off, since...yeah, the thesis still exists as a problem unsolved...
Edit: I lied, turns out I have a fair few questions about the 'love potion' / water bottles. So, she's been continuously dosing him for nearly two years with this potion? Does she need to ensure he imbibes a new dose before that last one wears off, and if so, how does she ensure he's still drinking these spiked beverages when she's away for 'work'? When was the last time she interacted with a non-roofied version of him?
(By the way, I'm now deciding my earlier "nod to the nightstand" suggestion was too tame. If you're sticking to the water bottle idea, why not have her reach over to grab a bottle from her nearby bag, and say something like, "Here, I picked up another pack of vitamin water on the way" and hand it to him to drink? Better yet, why not have her spike something fancy instead since it's their anniversary, and present it as an anniversary gift. Let us watch him drink it, show her looking for signs the potion is taking effect. Framing it as an anniversary gift would be an even more overt way of highlighting the fact he's forgotten--you know, because he didn't buy her anything. All this would be stronger than the simple 'happy anniversary' exchange.)
(Continuing from pre-parentheses). After all, "restricted/forced love-making" might not be the only side effect of this love potion--at least, there might be more she's unaware of. If this guy is 'actually evil/whatever she suspects he is', what if this love potion is repressing that side of him? In other words, it may not just be affecting how he feels about her, it could be affecting his behavior or actions in other ways. Perhaps she'd have found the non-roofied version of this man to be more interesting than how he acts under the influence? Maybe he used to do more outdoorsy stuff -- actually use that sports equipment -- before the roofies, but now he enjoys spending more time lazing in bed as a consequence.
Essentially, bringing a love potion into this equation poses both complications and opportunities for you here--either way, lots of questions have been raised. If you haven't critically thought about how this love potion works and all the implications + all the possible ways it could go wrong (if it hasn't already--what if he stops drinking the dosed stuff he gives her? How long does each dose last? He's just accepted and drank every bottle of water she's handed him on a regular basis for two years straight?), then I really suggest you do so. If you have, then know that these three pages treat the love potion like a very casual 'aside' and don't reflect that critical thinking.
Wow, what a review! I'm going to have to read this a few more times to really grasp everything that you've suggested. They are really good ideas and I will definitely use them to tighten up this section of the story.
I really didn't have any solid ideas on how the love potion would/could contribute to the story but yes, I'll have to to take a look at that and figure out what I want to do with it.
Thank you so much for the feedback! It's definitely made me think differently about what I've written and will be sure to add detail, correct my grammar and everything else you said!
Hey, I'm really glad you found some of the feedback helpful and found some of the ideas therein inspiring. I didn't have room to say this (I think I maxed out the character limit for all three comments), but I do need to stress that ultimately these characters' backstories, personalities, motives, values all come down to you, in the end!
I went wild with speculation on the college student because the text provides very little information on him, you know? I suggest asking yourself some questions about the fellow, so that you can arrive to the answers on your own. Things like:
And so on. Ask similar questions of your narrator, including some of the ones I asked.
Don't gloss over those two years, because you're glossing over two years of what I suppose was phase 1 of this mission. Phase 1's strategy cannot have been "roofie this man into loving you, then spend upwards of two years waiting for a kettle to boil."
That's two years of a relationship--of backstory--that you need to have fleshed out a bit in your head even if we don't see much of those two years ourselves. These two have been together long enough for habits to form, for a routine to develop between them.
Love Potion...figure out...
Definitely do. There's so much to consider both from a morality side (she has been roofieing him for two years, but doesn't feel any guilt whatsoever--I mean, it's 'okay' because he's 'maybe evil', right? Except...) and from a functionality side.
Of course, all my questions there were predicated on an assumption the love potion required regular, frequent replenishing/constant dosing to work. You have the power to decide:
Of course, the most fundamental question of all is: Why did you decide to include the love potion in the first place?
Maybe I missed this or have since forgotten, but did she try to first draw close to him without having to resort to potions? Did she immediately say "fuck it" and drug him off the bat, since no way did she want to bother with active seduction and all that love nonsense? Did she have any expectations it might influence him on a deeper level than just his attraction to her? Has it? Has it hampered her mission more than it helped?
She's the one who chose to give him the potion, unless her higher-ups instructed her specifically to use it. If so...why? What methods did they approve and disapprove of? Did they say "expose his evil by any means necessary?" or is she expected to abide by certain ethical and mission-specific rules as a field agent? As a thrill-seeking adventurer, is it her habit to abide by rules?
How often are the mission briefs? Have her superiors not suggested alternate strategies once over these past two years? If she's been reporting to them every time "Yep, still nothing, no change in behavior,' they've...what, shrugged and said, "Right, do absolutely nothing to change your behavior either. Keep up the non-effort." I don't understand how time-sensitive this mission is.
The love potion could play a role in screwing the mission up, if you so choose (I don't know, of course, what your plans are for phase two), and if it does play a role, than MC would hold some responsibility since she's been administering the love potion all this time. At what point might she ever feel guilt? Would an unintentional self-sabotage frustrate her, infuriate her?
At what point are you supposed to throw your hands up and say "whoop, I guess he's not evil after all?
Why did you choose to include a love potion?
Well, since these first three pages don't address the actual mission technicalities and whatever organization she works for, you don't have to give me answers. I know squat about the world-building for this world, or how much work you've already put into re: the mission and her handlers. That's all on you to develop.
It sounds like you have some idea of what's going to happen in the story, which is good. I assume this was chapter 1, or part of chapter 1, mm? I can't comment very much on what balance of world-building exposition + character exposition and storytelling you should have here, since I know very little about this world or your story outline...
...but I can say you can give us an idea of certain things without being overtly explanatory about them. You can give us a better idea of what supernatural/'evil' signs she's looking for by showing us her looking for them. If she actually did rifle through his room, you can casually mention specifics ("plunged her hands through his soiled socks and three-day-old trousers, hoping to find maybe an Evil Eye or a phial of blood..."). If she's watching him while he has nightmares, maybe she's hoping he'll mumble a forbidden spell in his sleep. Maybe she only agreed to shower with him once--w/o sexual shenanigans--because it was a good chance to check him for tattoos or a hidden, I don't know, tail.
You don't have to give us a history of those two years (nor should you). You do want to give us a reason to care. Sell us on the fact she wants out, she's really given this the good ole college try (ha) to no avail, and that everything is building up to phase 2.
Consider stakes, too. What does she stand to lose if this mission keeps dragging on? (What has she already lost? What has she already missed out on as a direct consequence of these past two years?) What stands to be lost if the mission fails? if she fails? Have or have not her superiors been putting pressure on her for results?
Would her job be at risk? What's at risk if this 'evil' isn't exposed? Do they or do they not think this college student is a threat? If this works and she does trigger his 'true self', what could go wrong? Or right?
She's bored. Her life seems to be at a standstill: is this more the fault of the student (how? has he shied away from doing activities she finds exciting? if he has, then what else is not working?) or does she blame herself for accepting the mission? Have her colleagues been getting to do cools stuff while she's stuck batting her eyes at some philandering chick magnet (still don't get why)?
How trapped does she feel?
Anyway, I only intended to reply with a short response, but yet again I am already less than a thousand characters away from the character limit, so, whoops. I'm just spouting off questions now as is; I'm sure you have already come up with many more.
Hey, friend! Thanks for sharing, and I hope my feedback is useful to you.
So from what I can tell, this is the first chapter of your story, right? Overall, I think you've got a decent premise to work with, and while I'm not a huge fan of Tolkien-like fantasy in a modern setting, I know a lot of people might be, and you could certainly have some fun with worldbuilding! Despite this, I believe this chapter could be a lot tighter. Let's get into it.
Firstly, you lose me in the first line. Remember, the first sentence of your story (not always, but mostly) should contextualise and pull us (your readers) in. I find the comparison of a pillow to a stuffed animal almost pointless. They're not so different from each other that they should be compared. It's like saying, "He hugged a pillow like a different sort of pillow," almost. The last two sentences in this paragraph do indeed pull me in, as I'm thinking, "Why? Why does the narrator have to stay? Why would you stay with someone you know to be evil? Something's going on here, and I want to know what." I'd say that's good-ish, on its own, but you'll hopefully understand my confusion soon.
I think the plot is pretty straightforward. The protagonist works for some form of fantastical organisation which monitors evil in the normal world. I THINK the normal world is unaware of the organisation and also unaware of the fantastical in general. Like Harry Potter. As I said, this ain't my thing, but it's proven to be a fun setting. I'm thinking, however, that having this so transparent in just 1,000 words isn't ideal. Possibly offer us little hints but hold back on revealing it all right away. I'm getting into worldbuilding. Let's go back to the plot. This is transparent too, but what I'm unsure about is if the plot will revolve around this golden-brown-haired student. At the start, you say, "Who knew there could be such evil in someone so...clueless." This surely can't mean she already knows he has evil in him, right? If she did, wouldn't she have already reported it or killed him? I'm not sure if she's already decided he's evil or not, and I'm unsure if the plot will revolve around her exhuming his evil or if this guy is just the first of many, in which case the plot would revolve around her and all the men (or maybe just humans) she's assigned to. I'd like to know roughly where it's going, and I think you can clarify the tense in the sentence: "Who knew there could be such evil in someone so...clueless." Is this her thinking about him in retrospect? It surely can't be, as she then says, "And so I had to stay."
The reason I'm concerned where the plot is going is that I want to know if I'm going to be forced to get invested in these characters. As it stands, there's nothing to like about the man, and the POV character confuses me. One thing leading me towards thinking the plot won't revolve him is that you don't mention his name. Maybe he's as (apparently) disposable as the hundreds of women he beds. I sort of hope so. I just see him as an utter scumbag. There's no glimpse of hope for this character. To me, he just rolls around in his stained sheets, with only one thing on his mind. SURELY this isn't all just a side-effect of the potion. What sort of love potion causes someone to have back to back sex with OTHER people? This is quite baffling, and it puts me off reading further. And to think this has been going for two years!
This brings me to the POV character. Would she really not know if there is evil in this guy after two whole years? I mean, he slept with many women and, as far as I can tell, only ever has that on his mind. Is that evil? What is evil? And if this is the love potion's doing, doesn't the potion then make this an unfair/unscientific test? How can she tell if he's evil or if it's the potion? Anyway, I don't get her. She contradicts herself. She hates her job and evidently hates this man... yet she enjoys teasing him? She works a job in which she slays evil and gets some sort of a kick out of slaying evil... yes she thinks the job is pointless? Does she just mean this single mission? If so, why is she still there? Also, why would she have to try to be sincere when she has him under a love potion? It seems its effects are otherwise quite potent, so this stood out to me. I also don't get how her being a thrill seeker and adventurer has anything to do with the story, and if she was one, why is she stuck doing this terrible job (drugging a college student and watching him have sex)? You're probably thinking it's characterisation, but it just sort of comes out of nowhere and is quite jarring. As I said with the plot and the worldbuilding, you don't have to dump all this on us at the start, especially not by just telling us. Show us instead. Really, she's just been sitting still for two years. Nothing daring about that.
Another thing, how does she stay and watch him without him knowing? Does she go invisible or something? If so, why reveal herself at all to anyone? Why not just watch people without getting involved in their lives? That would be fairer more/scientific.
Alrighty, prose and such. It can be tightened right up. A few examples:
He looked peaceful now. Whatever had bothered him was over now.
This double "now" made me want to stop reading.
and different cables, wires, extensions that I didn’t know where they belonged to
"that I didn't know where they belonged to" just doesn't make sense. You could literally just say "knotted cables" or something.
He had that look that I couldn’t quite place.
Unnecessary amount of "that". I'd just say, "He had a look I couldn't quite place." Also, while I'm here, what look? I see nothing.
“Hi. Good morning.” I said
You need a comma after "good morning," not a full stop.
I nodded, “Got in about 30 minutes ago.”
This is not a dialogue tag. You don't nod words.
french restaurant
Little things, such as not capitalising the word "French," really puts me off.
As for punctuation, a simple spellchecker (like the one built into Google Docs or Grammarly or something) will help you pick up on these sorts of errors, but you really should know all this from reading books. One other thing that stands out like a sore thumb is your use of actual numbers for numbers, instead of words.
5….for every day of the week except
library where at least 3 girls stopped
In cases such as these, I'd spell out numbers from one to one hundred. It looks particularly bad when you begin a sentence with an actual number too.
As for the prose, I suggest looking at each of your sentences, defining exactly what you're trying to say (and why it's valuable to the story), and then trying to say it in fewer words. Also, there weren't really any instances in which I felt drawn into your descriptions. Nothing was really clear in my head, visually. Maybe I put too much value on this, but I personally didn't find any of your imagery particularly strong. You mention the student's clothes are "smelly," but I don't think there are any other non-visual descriptions other than that, and saying something is "smelly" isn't a description. I'd be thinking along the lines of damp or mildew or something. What about the smells of sex? Beer? Cheap deodorant? There are things to work with in a student's room.
[continued below]
Now, a few miscellaneous things.
Why spend a whole paragraph talking about that girl and her walk of shame? I don't see what value that brings to the story. If it must be there, I think it can be said in fewer words.
Also, in general, why the focus on sex? Is she looking for evil in acts of sexual violence? Additionally, depending on your intent and your target audience, you can make the naughty stuff a little more naughty. A tasteful bit of tomfoolery in a story is sure to draw attention -- emphasis on "tasteful."
Another thing that felt odd to me is that the POV character is attending meetings and, as far as the man knows, keeping a professional job. Why would she be dating a college student?
You also mention the student's roommates, yet that would mean they share his room. "Housemates" is the word you're looking for.
The title, "Soul Catcher," -- is she catching souls when she kills people? Makes me think maybe she's after evil souls for some specific, possibly even sinister, reason. Just make sure your title means something and isn't just there to sound cool. Of course, I have no idea, as this is just a sliver of the total work.
And lastly, in some places, you make her job seem quite formal. She has to give a debrief on this guy, for instance. But she also says her job is to find and destroy evil. I'm thinking like badass, demon-slaying Constantine or something... but then he goes to an office and fills out paperwork. It confused me as to just what this organisation is -- how formal it is.
Anyway, I hope this helps! There are certainly a few things to iron out before diving deeper into your story. What do you intend it to be anyway? Short story? Novella? Novel?
I do enjoy medieval fantasy, but something about mixing real-world video game console wires and bottled water with love-potion-using elves is a challenge for me. I think the piece would be more interesting if the text simply explained something mysterious about this main character without having to say "oh, and she's an elf," mainly because now you're burdened with a ton of world-building. Are there dwarves running around? Goblins? Have we opened a rift between Neverwinter and Chicago? It's an odd thing to just throw in. But I'll grant that this may simply be a genre that I'm unaccustomed to reading.
That introductory paragraph does a few fun things: The sleeping character is childlike, but also full of “such evil.” A convoluted twist of blankets. Hair in conflicting directions. There is a lot of turbulence here, and I think it’s a very interesting way to develop a character, so I hope that the character is multifaceted, torn between thoughts or ideologies, or other depth-creating character traits.
“the bra that wasn’t mine” – this is passive. You’ll probably want to simply describe it as something like “the strange bra” or “the unfamiliar bra.” This makes it active, and puts more distance between the bra and the main character. Also, is she disgusted or indifferent? Whichever you decide, you'll want to stick with it.
“I frowned at the heaping pile of dirty and smelly clothes in his hamper in the corner of his room. A handful of clothes didn’t quite make it in or he gave up on trying.” – I think you could simplify this by simply saying that some of the clothes didn’t quite make it in. The “he gave up on trying” is unnecessary, because we can already see the other mess in the room.
“His closet didn’t quite shut all the way, crammed in with sports equipment, trophies, old video games consoles, and different cables, wires, extensions that I didn’t know where they belonged to.” You can leave off her not identifying the cables. The thrust of this section is to describe his disorganized mess, not to point out her lack of knowledge around game-console wires.
“I could hear someone yell from the other room, one of his many roommates, to shut the goddamn thing off.” Would this be better in dialog? Maybe include quoted text, as I think that would flow more cleanly.
“Waiting for what?” Yes, this is an important question. Does she not know at all? We’re expecting him to be some kind of evil, right? This is something you can call back to here. A sign of lycanthrope? A reaction to garlic? What?
“He had that look that I couldn’t quite place. I’d seen that look many times on other couples, couples that were smitten with each other. A look that I always had to mirror if I wanted to continue with this pointless mission. And so I did. To the best of my ability. And he bought it.” I would rework this paragraph quite a bit. She can’t be so unfamiliar with the look of affection that she can’t place it. I find it hard to believe that she can’t place the feeling.
“The added effect of his spiked water bottles probably helped too.” I would describe this differently. Perhaps have her glance at the water bottle, and notice a faint shimmer. If she’s an elf, and you’re doing some world building anyway, perhaps include some sense of *detect-magic* or something along those lines. This seems like a pretty important section, actually. Is this the love potion? Does the whole setup depend on this love potion? Or does the love potion just help a little? Because by saying “probably helped, too,” you’re making it sound like the love potion might not have been necessary.
“I was a thrill seeker, an adventurer. I loved jumping off buildings and doing flips in the air. This wasn’t my idea of fun.” You’ll want to re-word the last sentence. As it is, it sounds like jumping off the buildings and flipping in the air is not her idea of fun. Perhaps replace “this” with “sitting in a room, waiting for so-and-so to wake up wasn’t her idea of adventure.” Or something like that.
“His hand traveled up my long and underneath my shirt.” Up your long what?
The whole groping scene is problematic because of the way you ended it the text. Is she suffocating, or is she having fun teasing him? Does she not understand the look of affection (from the previous section), or does she know enough to “moan and pretend to get into it?” You have to pick one and be consistent with it in order to keep her believable.
Alright – that’s my feedback. I am interested enough to know what the evil is, and what she is assigned to do about it, and how she is equipped to deal with it. But I do think there are some consistency issues with her character that need to be ironed out. And lastly, I’m a little sad that the guy remained rather one-dimensional, despite his really well-done introduction. This may be an opportunity to create some more dynamic between the characters as well.
Thank you for your feedback! I have just one question. Would it be believable if I told you that she flip flops with her feelings towards him? Or should I have it eventually show up in later chapters? I mean I totally agree about my inconsistency. I myself wasn't sure what to do with her feelings for him but you're right, I should probably just have her be one way and stick with that.
Having her feelings change, or even be uncertain is fine, realistic, relatable, etc. But I think you'll want to be intentional about it in the writing. When she first meets him, perhaps she's attracted, but repulsed. You described him in a rather piggish and disgusting way. If the narrator describes him that way, we are lead to believe that she feels that way about him as well. If you're going to bring some kind of realistic change, *he* will have to change in order to make that work. The narrator will have to convince us that he has become likable in order for us to believe that her feelings have changed.
edit: OR... you'll have to make her into piggish/messy people. Maybe she has a "I can fix men" complex? But whatever the case, you'll want to be intentional. Again - that first paragraph really created a ton of opportunity for you with the male character. His conflicted nature could reflect her conflicted feelings...? Lots of options there.
I watched him as he slept, childlike
"childlike" is not an adverb. Why did you choose that word, anyway. Is it an adult?
Whatever had bothered him was over now.
What had bothered him? Having a hard time understanding what happened. Using the word "whatever" comes across as lazy.
I picked at my blonde curls.
This could just be personal preference, but I've seen a lot of writers on Reddit go out of their way to describe the color of characters' hair. The guy's hair is brown, the narrator's hair is blonde. Is that important to establish in the first could of sentences?
When was all this going to be over?
All of what? It's hard for me to be invested when I have no idea what's happening.
Gahd
Is that a character's name, or "God"? Unless "Gahd" is the proper noun of the "God" in your universe, either spell it correctly or write it as inner monologue with italics (it's fine to spell it that way if spoken out loud to indicate accent/dialect/annunciation.
No, I was always waiting and watching. Waiting for what?
What? (coming back to comment here, and I still don't understand this line)
A look that I always had to mirror if I wanted to continue with this pointless mission.
You're burying the lead incredibly hard here. I know you're trying to create intrigue, but it doesn't work as a standalone line since the reader has no idea what's happening.
To the best of my ability.
Cut.
The added effect of his spiked water bottles
"from"
Perks of being part elf.
OK, well this is quite the reveal here. I'd prefer this done in a much more natural way. Maybe give her some description that implies she's not human.
There's a lot of telling/exposition here. Nothing is actually happening, it's just the narrator talking to the reader while being very vague.
His outlet was other girls and mine was killing evil, potentially him.
Even more exposition, and this one hurts. I haven't finished this chapter yet (commenting as I go), and you've just told me how this is supposed to end. Now, it may not go as planned for the narrator, but it takes away any and all intrigue you've been building up. Try to reveal this fact in a natural way.
You're explaining WAY too much here. For every line of dialogue, you have five sentences where the narrator is talking to me.
Tonight would be phase two.
Telling.
And then the chapter just...ends.
What are you going for in this chapter? We've learned that the narrator, who is still unnamed at this point, is an elf, on some mission to possibly kill this comically skeevy guy, because...there's some evil inside him?
90% of the chapter is the narrator simply telling the reader everything.
I'm an elf.
This guy is a scumbag. (Comically so. Tone it down a little.)
I've been pretending to love him for two years for my "mission."
I kill evil?
Phase two is tonight.
This dude has some kind of evil
Nothing actually happens in this chapter. If you take out all of the telling, here's what happens:
The narrator watches the guy, he wakes up, and they have a few inconsequential lines of dialogue. That's it.
As the reader, I want to know what the hell is going on and get a feel for (who I assume is) the protagonist. I'm intrigued by the concept of this non-human disguised in a human world for this mission that she's clearly hated for two years. But I'm given nothing, other than the fact that she might kill him.
What's her motivation? Why is she so dedicated to the cause despite having a horrible "mission." What is this mission? What's this organization giving her assignments? Why does he have to die? What's this "evil"? Why is there an elf in a human world? Why are there elves in a modern world? Are the other elves? Do people know there are elves, or is she a part of some secret society?
Try rewriting this chapter to reveal a lot of your telling in a natural way. Let these two have a conversation that reveals some of the plot. Hint at the guy's unfaithfulness through dialogue or body language. I mean, you already did a pretty good job of establishing this with the bra on the floor. And have something actually happen here. Like I pointed out, almost literally nothing happens, it's just giving the reader a lot of information. Show us your protagonist do something so we can get a feel for who she is as a character.
The telling comes later in the other chapters. For now, the whole point of this chapter is for the reader to be like what is going on? why is she there? So thank you, I'm glad I've made you ask questions you because that was my intention. This chapter is to establish the way this person feels about the other person.
Yeah and that's fine. I didn't mean you had to answer all of those questions in this chapter. My main point is that absolutely nothing happens in this chapter. The MC doesn't do anything, so there's nothing for readers to analyze.
This chapter is to establish the way this person feels about the other person.
Is this relationship important to the story as a whole? If you spend half of a chapter on this relationship, I'll go with it and say that this relationship is important to the overarching plot of your story as a whole. You can establish that relationship/feeling by having something happen. I know people will always say "show, don't tell" or that "show, don't tell" is stupid advice. You don't have to show everything, but give me something. Like, if your goal is to show that MC pretends to love this guy, but secretly despises him, you could do something as simple as having her saying something sweet and sugary and as soon as he looks away, she rolls her eyes.
I'm not saying show everything, just something. If you want her to think to herself, "2 years of this bullshit" or whatever, that works for me. On the flip side, if you want to explain that she's an elf, you can show something magical. I don't know how elves are in your world, but you could just say that she readjusted her hair to cover her pointy ears, or a flash of magic appeared because she was frustrated and the guy is like, "what was that?"
As the reader, it isn't fun having all these things told to me. I want to figure it out for myself. This chapter reads almost like a creative version of Spark Notes for your story. It reads like a summary.
Does that help?
Yes, thank you! I can't wait to edit it with all of your feedback!
[deleted]
General
The font is a bit distracting - it's not a massive issue but it's just a little difficult to read
I’m assuming this isn’t the first chapter - it feels a bit to me like there’s information missing that must have been covered by now, like why she is following him in particular. There's some vague mentions of him being evil that are good and act as a reasonable enough hook, like this:
Who knew there could be such evil
One thing that did bug me is that by their third date he is completely enamoured (thanks to a love potion), and
I could have said I was raised by dragons and he still would’ve thought I was the only woman on earth.
(as an aside, I’m a geography teacher and Earth should have a capital letter here! Sorry, can’t help it!)
But this guy thinks she’s the only woman on Earth but still sleeps with five women that week? Seems a bit odd to me and I found her thoughts contradicting the reality, although maybe this is going to be a theme throughout the story.
Plot and Character
MC (I don’t have a name) is part-elf and kills evil things. Her current mission is a college student who she suspects will do something evil. MC is a part elf with blonde hair. She kills evil things and is dating her next target. That’s all I’ve got. She seems older than him, or at least I’m guessing that based on her having a meeting to go to when he’s just in college. I imagine she’s maybe only in her early twenties (in looks at least, elves might live longer than humans?)
As part of the mission (which I think is to kill him, but she has to have proof of that first?) she has to date him. I’m not entirely clear on why because surely she can just watch him from afar? MC clearly disappears from time to time anyway, for a whole week even, so why does she need to be in a relationship with him when she so clearly despises him? And for nearly two years as well? There must be a more efficient way of watching him, or an explanation somewhere else in the story.
It seems like an interesting enough story, but I found it difficult to believe that she wouldn't have found a different way to monitor her target.
Setting
It just seems like the normal world, other than the part-elf character. There might be others like her, or she might be the only one in our world and she could be from a parallel world or another dimension for all I know. There’s obviously supernatural stuff going on as well, but nothing that is made clear or featured in this segment at least. She doesn’t have to sleep, I guess, if you want to count that as supernatural. There’s a few hints at world building throughout, but they’re just hints, nothing concrete that allow me to imagine anything outside the room this scene is set in.
Dialogue
Nothing stood out to me as amazing, but nothing was bad either. It didn’t feel too stilted or forced or anything like that to me, so I’d give you a tick for this.
Overall
I liked it. It's only a short segment so I've found it a little difficult to judge things like your writing style and voice properly, but there's nothing that I've really disliked. I think the characters need a bit more fleshing out because they did feel a little like blank slates to me, although this is just a small segment so, again, it's difficult to judge.
Keep it going!
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I realize there's a lot of things people don't know based on this one section. It is a modern fantasy so it takes place on Earth but there are supernatural creatures but there are also different realms that I don't think are mentioned. Detail is my weakness. I feel like if I write too much, it'll be boring, but then I ended up writing too little so I definitely have to work on that.
Also, she's with him because "they" think love/heartbreak could be the ultimate trigger to bringing out someone's evil. I'm still debating the whole why is she with him for two years myself and wondering if I should shorten the time she's been with him and maybe for the first year ish shes been watching him from afar and when she found nothing by watching him, she decided to get closer. Or maybe she has some kind of detection device and realizes that there's someone in the dorm room/building that set off the detector and she's trying to find the person by dating some random guy. I don't know. Still in the works.
Big Picture
The hook is that the protag is a spy of some sort and her target is evil of some kind. The protag has no real feelings for the target. There are some good descriptions to showcase this relationship, but there's also a lot of unnecessary descriptions. Or they're things that can be saved for later reveals. It makes this intro come of as unfocused. With something that's 1000 words long, you don't have time to dwell on multiple subjects. Everything that's not directly related to the hook should be diverted to later. We can learn about these things as we need to know them.
There's a lack of tension throughout. You do a good job early hinting that the protag doesn't want to be there and why - but then we read about it over and over. It slows down the piece.
Try to keep sentences to one "idea". I found a lot of the sentences unwieldy and hard to digest.
Finally, always write out numbers less than ten. Personally, I write out numbers under a hundred but that's a more divided topic. It can look juvenile otherwise.
Nitty Gritty
childlike
You follow with a description that IS childlike. This word is redundant and less interesting.
His legs were trapped in a convoluted twist of blankets. His golden brown hair was matted to his scalp in conflicting directions
You could use active verbs to describe this, which makes the language more inviting. Ex: A convoluted twist of blankets trapped his legs. Matted golden brown hair ran in every direction
Whatever had bothered him was over now.
Drop this "now". (You just used "peaceful now" so its redundant).
someone so...clueless
I like this. Tells a lot about protag that they associate innocence with being clueless. That said, I'd drop the ellipsis. You get more about him being confident in his assessment than you do from him thinking about it. And the protag sounds pretty confident after reading it all.
I scanned the length of his bedroom and stopped at the bra that wasn’t mine peeking under the large dresser across from the bed.
Too much going on. Hard to parse. Break into 2-3 sentences. Also "another girl's bra" is more direct and informative than a "bra that wasn't mine"
...in his hamper in the corner of his room. A handful of clothes didn’t quite make it in or he gave up on trying.
Modify first sentence to say "in or around his hamper in the corner of his room." then you drop the following sentence entirely.
It would be nice to go home.
Protag describing the room and his thoughts are very different thought patterns. Start a new paragraph here.
I could rip these curls off, I could dress the way I wanted to.
Period not comma. (read about comma splices - like all rules they can be broken, but I see no need here)
The alarm clock shrieked suddenly.
Unless there was a reason to expect the alarm clock to do otherwise, drop the suddenly.
I turned to look at him, waiting for him to react.
Reads like the alarm clock is the "him". Would replace first him with something like "the sleeping man"
Gahd, was he ever slow to wake.
Is this slang for God or someone's name? If the former, I would just use that instead of confusing the reader.
He opened his eyes, suddenly aware of my presence and grinned.
You could use some description to show the "sudden" awareness instead. Like "He opened his eyes. A grin crept across his face in awareness of my presence."
raised his arms over his head grazing my arm
comma between "head" and "grazing"
couples that were smitten with each other
Delete "that were"
A look that I always had to mirror if I wanted to continue with this pointless mission.
drop "always" - we know this an ongoing thing.
And he bought it. The added effect of his spiked water bottles probably helped too.
Drop "and". It follows closely enough from previous sentence that we don't need it. Could condense following sentence to. Ex: "He bought it, aided by the effect of spiked water bottles."
I was a thrill seeker...
There's a lot of self-reflection in place of story progression. Gradually show us what she's like instead of telling us about it. The 712 days (though "almost two years" is easier to digest) and love potion are the important and interesting bits. That said, I'd drop the love potion bit. I get you want to give us more details about how all of this happens, but it takes attention away from the main story focus.
I had heard the moans and the grunts and the seductive calls of her name- Elise, I think it was. Or was that wednesday?- through the not so soundproof walls.
You're trying to cram a lot into one sentence by using hyphens. Break this up with multiple sentences.
She was definitely sporting the double D bra that was forgotten in his room.
Is this detail relevant?
She eventually took her walk of shame at 2 am and she took the trophy when she stepped in a hole in the lawn and face planted.
Needs multiple sentences.
...way half naked and dirty. I glanced down at...
Paragraph break instead of sentence. Talking about memories of the other girl followed by what she's doing in the present is confusing.
I played along, knowing by the look in his eyes that he had forgotten but hid it so well as he grinned.
Drop "as he grinned." Doesn't add much and makes the sentence too mouthy.
...before marriage, which at that point, I could have said ...
Multiple sentences.
Tonight would be phase two. Everything would end before I would have to kiss him again. I was confident that he would be triggered into something evil, that he would expose his true self, or not, but this was the end all be all.
It's hard to imagine why all of this took almost two years to come to fruition. You could give examples of what she had tried before to bring out the evil. It would enhance the world building and give you an opportunity to show us their history.
Hope all of this helps. Feel free to ask any follow-ups!
Thank you! My sentences definitely needs more work. I will definitely be using your feedback to rework ALL of my sentences!
Introduction: I feel it is overly wordy and descriptive. It makes me feel like weird inside, like watching over a little kid sleep. I don't know if that is what your goal is. I would recommend reducing the amount of adjectives and dive into the story faster because it is a short piece.
Room set up:Why are you spending so much time describing the room. It displays you are messy sure, but I don't really connect with the narrator or figure out her personality. I would weave in things that clearly show the characters personality for such a small piece or take it out completely. "Real home, where I could be my true self. I could rip these curls off, I could dress the way I wanted to. I could -" This is kinda confusing with what you are trying to do and it seems a bit amiss for a transition. Feels too cliche for such a off beat piece
3rd paragraph: provides extra information and intrigue about who the kid sleep is. However, the last statement "No, I was always waiting and watching. Waiting for what?" felt off and confusing. I wouldn't end these paragraphs off so weirdly. I like this paragraph more than the others
4th paragraph+dialgoue: the dialagoue in general worked, but it felt kind of bland compared to the introduction. Important note: "He leaned over and gave me a kiss. ". This was the first time I realized they were in a relationship. Earlier it seemed much more like sister type thing.
Transition to "thrill seeker..." seems very abrupt and there is definitely a tone shift. I don't know how I feel about that.
"How many girls did he sleep with this week should have been the accurate question. 5….for every day of the week except for Tuesday and Wednesday when he had to cram for a history exam. He spent hours cooped up in the library where at least 3 girls stopped by to flirt with him." How does she know this. Why is she still with him if he cheats. I feel that this needs to be addressed and explained.
“I missed you so much.” He hugged me tightly and it took everything not to squirm out of his grasp." Clearly his perception is not the same as the girl. What caused this? Is he abusive/doesn't know his boundaries?
" glanced down at the bed, contaminated with whoever and however many; one of the many reasons I still kept my clothes on." Why is she still with him? What does this information have to do with the crux of the story.
The flirting was done well in my opinion. Sounds like what would really happen.
"I smiled at him. I had to admit it was fun teasing him, dangling a piece of candy in front of him knowing he wasn’t going to get it. " I am very confused about the motivation of the girl. Please make it more clear.
Ending: Overall confusing. I start to get that she is on some kind of mission. But I don't understand why that makes her tolerate him or what her goal is.
Overall: I get a rapey sort of weird feeling from the guy sleeping. Like the girl clearly doesn't trust the guy. I felt there is was no action. It was a somewhat dull piece with good imagery but not something I would keep reading if I had a chance too. It lacked mystic and spent too much time in description.
Final rating: 7/10. Short stories need pack a punch in order to keep the reader engaged. Perhaps you set the scene with the girl walking in on the guy cheating. Perhaps you start the scene with some badass shit. Idk, let me know if have any questions. Sorry if this was confusing.
Lol. Thank you for your feedback. It's not a short story but part of a novel. Those are the questions I do want the readers to ask but you're right in the sense that I should probably hook the reader more with making the character's personality more clear. I think I was debating on how I wanted the main character to feel so it made her seem a bit back and forth. Definitely didn't want a rapey vibe from the guy, maybe just a really horny college student.
Reading everyone's comments was really helpful though! Hopefully with the edits, I can make this story a bit more interesting for you. Thank you!
This will be my first critique. I hope you find some useful notes in here.
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The story had a fun, playful sense and offers a bit of intrigue. It seems like the story is about a part elf, living in the modern day on an assignment to bring out evil from a boring college guy and kill him if there is, in fact evil in him. I liked the idea and how the plot progressed and I felt like the writing did well to contribute to the feel/mood of the story, but I think there are some weak parts that muddle the purpose and I left feeling unsatisfied.
Title: The title seems to have little bearing on the story and adds confusion. Is the MC the SoulCatcher? Is the college guy a SoulCatcher who she’s trying to bring out, so to speak? I think that if you worked it into the story, or explained it a bit the title would be good.
Hook: I liked the first paragraph a lot. I thought it opened with good imagery and a nice twist at the end which drew me in. The only thing I would change here is the last sentence.
“And so I had to stay.”
It felt odd to me and disrupted the flow of the story. I think if you took it out, the previous sentence does a good job at bringing the reader in.
Tone: Overall I enjoyed the casual, internal monologue tone of the piece. It was light and fun and conveys the boredom of the MC well.
There are a few sections/sentences that I think could be reworked, or that feel clunky. This is mainly on style and story.
(First paragraph)
“Whatever had bothered him was over now.”
“Now” is the last word of this and the previous sentence. I think it will sound nicer if you take it out of one of the sentences.
(Second paragraph)
“His closet didn’t quite shut all the way (…) extensions that I didn’t know where they belonged to.”
I would just reword this sentence. Something like: “His closet was so full of (…) that the door didn’t quite shut all the way”
(Third paragraph)
“Waiting for what?”
I think you can just take this out. It feels like a bit of a cheap suspense device. The previous sentence does a good job of adding suspense.
(Fourth paragraph)
“He had that look that I couldn’t quite place.”
This is just a personal stylistic preference. I think it would read better if “he had A look” rather than “THAT look.” Along with this, it’s a little muddy whether the MC has just seen this look on others or if she’s seen it on previous ‘marks,’ so to speak.
(Fourth paragraph)
“The added effect of his spike water bottles probably helped too.”
I think this feels a little forced/out of place. If you put this in here, I’d elaborate on the love potion aspect.
(Eighth paragraph)
“Perks of being a part elf.”
This just comes and goes too quickly. It’s never mentioned later in the story. Is it important that she’s a part elf or just that she has some sort of magical aspects to her. If being a part elf is pivotal to her character, elaborate on it. If not, the previous sentence “I didn’t need to sleep unless I was injured” adds enough of a fantastic element to her character.
(Ninth paragraph)
“I loved jumping off buildings and ding flips in the air.”
I don’t think you need to add this. It feels somewhat silly and contrived and breaks the tone. This would be a good place to describe a previous mission. Something like “On my last mission I was chasing a SoulCatcher over the roofs of Tokyo, jumping over streets and dodging traffic.” If you want to go into her story/background, this is the place and I think would add a good bit to the story.
(Twelfth paragraph)
“Elise, I think it was. Or was that wednesday?”
She had just said that he didn’t sleep with anyone on Tuesday or Wednesday. That coupled with her not remembering the girls name seems to contradict her normally keen observational skills.
(Twelfth paragraph)
“...double D bra...”
Is this detail necessary? What does it add to the story? Does he normally go for girls with big boobs? This is something, that if just trivial, I would take out, and if important, I would expand on or allude to in other parts of the story.
(Thirteenth paragraph)
This paragraph could use some work. Was the MC inside in another room and hear the moans “through the not-so-soundproof walls.” (I added the hyphens) in the previous paragraph, and then went outside in this one? If she was inside, how did the many roommates not notice her? If it’s because of her magical abilities, include that.
“...took the trophy...”reads awkwardly. I think you can just remove the phrase altogether so it reads like this:
“She eventually took her walk of shame at 2 am and face planted when the stepped in a hole in the lawn.” This with the next sentence already paints a fun picture that the “trophy” part doesn’t add to.
“...contaminated with whoever and however many...”
Whoever and however many what? This is slightly more grammatical.
(Fourteenth paragraph)
“Happy anniversary.”
You previously mentioned that she had been on this mission for 712 days. That doesn’t coincide with an anniversary unless it was almost a whole year before they started ‘dating’
(Eighteenth paragraph)
“...the only woman on earth.”
This seems to contradict how many woman the guy sleeps with. Maybe you can expand on the love potion and its effects here.
(Nineteenth paragraph)
“His hand traveled up my long...”
I think you’re missing a word or there’s a typo here.
I’ll address the remaining paragraphs as one, right here. This section doesn’t make a lot of sense to me and I think there are some really cool opportunities here. I can’t tell where the debriefing will fit chronologically. Is it going to be immediately after the MC leaves the room? Will she see the guy again? What does she have to report? The two sentences: “He was still revving to go (...) half-lidded and breathing heavily.” have some great imagery and action and seem to hint at some potential transformation. Is he just some sleepy, horny college dude, or is he a monster? If your goal is to leave it open-ended and leave the reader in suspense, add something. Maybe she’s about to find out if he’s a monster and THEN go to the meeting. Or maybe he actually starts to transform and then she does something to bring him back before the meeting. This is an instance where I think you, as the author, have to establish your intentions and display them clearly. Either way could be a great ending, just make it more clear. Is the point to leave the reader questioning whether or not he’s a monster and whether the MC just wasted two years of her time on this mind-numbing mission? Or is it to show that he’s a monster? If you show he’s a monster, you don’t have to go into great depth describing every aspect of it. I think it’s enough to show that he is transforming and the MC knows it. Plus I think that you can still leave a lot of suspense at the end even if you show he’s a monster. I tend to lean towards the show it side, but whatever you do is your stylistic choice, just make it clear and end strong.
---Critique continued---
The story takes place in a college students room. With mentions of the immediate world outside the room/house and a brief allusion to the world the MC comes from when talking about her trip to “Chicago.” I thought the setting was clear and worked well. You did a good job of capturing the somewhat slobbish college student’s room. The rest of the house isn’t described, but I don’t think it’s necessary.
There is little to no physical interaction between the characters and the world, but the MC does interact with the world mentally, by having a sharp eye and seeing things like a bra, etc. in the room. I thought this worked because she’s pretty grossed out by the room and doesn’t really want the touch anything, but the still has a good eye as required by her job.
There are two main characters in the story, both unnamed. The protagonist is a female part elf on a mission to potentially bring out the evil in the secondary character, an average college dude who may or may not be some evil magical creature, and if he is evil, then kill him. I thought both characters were believable and relatable. They interacted well and consistently. There was some confusion as to how much the MC cared about all the girls the guy was sleeping with. She doesn’t seem to attach emotion to it, but a large part of the story is dedicated to her internal monologue about it.
The plot started strongly and then sort of fizzed out. From what I gather, the MC is on a mission to determine whether or not the guy is evil and the kill him if he is. There is some intrigue in the beginning: “who knew there could be such evil in someone so… clueless.” and “No, I was always waiting and watching.” This sets up the story well and tells the reader a lot about the plot without revealing too much. Towards the end, I didn’t find a real direction. It still feels like, ‘maybe he’s evil, maybe he’s not, who knows?’ and I didn’t really care all that much. Try to keep the plot moving forward to a specific goal. Having a concrete goal in mind will help a lot. While this is just a part of a longer story, I think this will still help whether it’s just a small subplot, or going to turn into something bigger.
I thought the pacing was good for the most part until the very end, after he says “I can skip” I found it was a bit clunky when she was recounting the moans and grunts and walk of shame. I couldn’t really tell if it was supposed to be suspenseful at all or what. I think the story was a good length given the plot arch.
I don’t have a lot to say about the dialogue. I thought that it worked and at the very least didn’t detract at all from the story.
I enjoyed the piece and think you have something fun here with the potential to get darker as the story progresses. I’ve already said a lot of what I’m about to say, but I’ll just try to coalesce it all here. Being a part of a larger story gives you the opportunity to flesh some things out more, primarily, the love potion aspect and who the MC is. The “I was a thrill seeker” part is a great place for that, telling a story of a previous mission. There you can show some of her abilities, what the purpose of her work actually is, and why she’s so bored here. There seems to be some incongruities with the MC with her remembering what events happened on what days and the time spent on the other girls. This work is all below her, she does crazy, high-flying mission. Why does she care to notice the bra size?
If this is just a chapter, maybe an opening chapter, then it doesn’t end very strongly. Pack a punch at the end. What are you about to set up? If you could only change one thing, that would be it. Be clear about your intentions, even if your intention is to keep the reader in suspense or guessing what will happen next.
There are a few stylistic choices that take me out of the story, and they mostly come as a quick comment at the end of a paragraph, like “And so I had to stay.” I think the story would flow better and be stronger without them.
Another thing I noticed, is that the possibility of evil in him seem to become less and less certain as the story goes on. It starts with evil being a certainty, and ends with a hard maybe. If he is almost certainly evil, keep it like that. If he may or may not be and that’s the primary struggle of the MC, then highlight that. That way the I’m either waiting for a big payout for all the time she’s put in on this boring mission, or waiting for a comical let down. You could have a big build up to a big let down as long as there is a certainty of a big payoff, which would be moderately devastating to the MC, or even be wishy-washy the whole way through into a let down if this mission is basically the MC being snubbed by her higher-ups. Just be sure to include something about that so we know it’s a possibility.
Thank you for the feedback! Your questions are giving me some really good ideas on what I'd like to change to make this section of the story stronger and more appealing towards the end. I'll try to minimize the confusion of what the characters are doing and saying, and why, etc.
Thank you!
General Remarks: I’m hitting high marks in this critique as I will evidence and add a thoughtful constructive criticism, beginning here.
Nice establishment of mystery in the first paragraph, the first sentence much importance as you know and well-executed. I see a few needs for hyphenation and question marks -- or stylist choices are being made, it’s in the realm of good on this point. Nice and proper-length messy room description. Hell of an alarm-sound settings, maybe Hell is where we are going, following. I love the transition to multi-race fantasy world species in a perhaps modern world, at a university. I might suggest a set up in the first paragraph:
“In the penumbra of woodland oak...” or “In the checkered-shade of ivy towers...” not as cliche.
Use that or a sentence like that to tease the reader with a bridge, their own inter-story discovery while reading. Just an added nugget item to a good story so far. Not to showy, or dismiss altogether.
Or this is a style of first-draft avantgardism and interesting in its sense of threaded realism, these works inspire how-to-write because of the way it begins idyllically if only one-sided, mystery. I seek that fluid style, and good I don’t arrive, but I hope to improve as I put in the work. And this all connected in its manifestation from reading thus far, just to take it slow and detailed. Bridging to the plot; as conflict rises-- this is the good half, here are 2 sample ideas that you can consider, or no thank you, all good.
Let’s look into the larger room, you say midway (she speaking, main perspective), “...I could hear someone yell from the other room, one of his many roommates, to shut the goddamn thing off.” Consider a point of view of that this might be said through open doors, rather than shouted. The main speaker has a paranoia-based complex, irrational or rational -- is yet to be established. It needs to be shown in -- as is done in the romantic relationship(s) setting up to a dramatic event.
Mechanics: The intro into the fantasy world is somewhat abrupt, but well written if we delve into some action fast, a kick down the door raid, a big boom at the other end of the city, and there is room for that.
Setting: University-like setting is a good starting point.
Character: The characters were believable, youthful, and erotic in their metabolism, and sharing some secrets. The can be a bond or a point of betrayal.
Heart: It was less on heart, making the betrayal option more likely unless there is a twist.
Plot: This was yet to be hinted at.
**Pacing:**Th pacing was odd into the fantasy, LOTRian fantasy-like but more playful world.
Description: The descriptions were sightful and feeling but smell and mood did not leap out at me.
POV: The POV gave the creepiness of the perspective to me, it was to submissive. The writer needs to guide this interesting intro into some action.
**Dialogue:**The dialogue was mercifully terse except in the last part, there needs to be a SUDDEN and snap moment, that chain reacts to the first action, perhaps.
Grammar and Spelling: Grammar and spelling here are as good as my own, which is good.
Closing Comments:**Brewing Hatred, if I boiled it down to two words.
Other: Intellectual enhancement will come as the story graps some of my suggestions, and reforms them in new ways by the author.
This is approved for now, but for future reference, the piece you critique must be equal to or over the piece you submit. Your post right now is almost 100 words over.