UPDATE: Why do I (26M) feel worse and more anxious after this 2nd date with her (25F)?
Hi guys, so this didn't get a lot of traction, but I do have an update.
So, since this story posted, we had a few more dates. Kissed her for the first time on the 3rd date, which was really nice. Thought we were heading somewhere, as did she. It was a nice time at the museum and just sitting and talking at her place. Felt on top of the world then. Our 4th date was already pre-planned to be me showing her my new house I bought earlier this month.
So since then.. the next 2 weeks after the 3rd date communication was a little sparse. She was never a great texter but most of our texts were sporadic and late at night after she got done with work and doing other stuff. She is a pretty busy person, as am I but I always tried to be responsive and flexible. We also had another date planned if her initial plans with a friend didn't happen but it didn't occur. Which no worries, I was busy and had house stuff to do.
Then came the aforementioned, long awaited date this past weekend. We didn't text much this week because she was in office super busy on her work, and then was up in another state handling some other stuff. Light communication is fine. She still said she was excited to come over and see the place and be with me. I was excited to, put in extra effort in cleaning, furnishing my house with a couch and TV.
The date was fun. Fine. I had intentions of cooking dinner, and we decided on something together with what I had in my pantry (I cook a lot so groceries isn't an issue). Unintentionally, she ended up cooking the main meal as I was stuck trying to fix a broken door hinge on the lazy susan in my kitchen, so I was embarrassed. I did make the rice for the meal, and it turned out a little burnt, but she didn't mind. She still liked it and asked for the recipe. The food was very good. We just talked and had a good time and I felt a connection. After washing the dishes we decided to watch a movie and just be on my couch. I'm normally nervous for stuff like this, but I managed to hold her, give her a back massage/scratch and just be close. She appreciated it, but I knew something was up.
I was never going to expect or push for her staying over/being more intimate though we had long since had the talk about it. She had to leave afterwards anyway because she had a hiking trip planned with one of her best friends.
I asked about us/dating and future plans and how she felt about everything, because we had a history of being able to talk openly about this sort of stuff. And this is where it all went downhill.
So she mentioned she enjoyed the date, liked me, found me attractive and all, but she went into an explanation about the 7 types of greek love (we're both super nerds), and that she was still figuring out where eros and sexual/romantic love worked for her. To me, that reads as "she likes me and thinks I'm attractive, but doesn't have sexual attraction for me". Which is fine, and I knew how the rest of it would go.
She also explained about how dating was confusing and everything, and that she didn't really like online dating and that typically her previous experiences were from dating people in her friend circle, etc. She said she trusted me, but didn't feel safe doing online dating in general.
She admitted that her job as an analyst was stressing her out because she was doing work of multiple people and they were understaffed, and she just got tasked with more work. So she was stressed, overworked, not really happy. Her happy place was when she was driving back and forth from her other home in another state, with the music up and windows down. She also is a massive traveler, something I had hoped to share with her, and that not being able to travel due to pandemic and everything was rough on her.
All in all, she said that she couldn't be emotionally available enough to be the type of partner I needed and wanted. Which stung. It hurts like hell. 2 days later I'm still crying and it still hurts.
I had all those fears that this is how it would go, and they all came true. I told my therapist this and I took the plunge. I really do regret doing it.
But ultimately, I'm not mad or resentful at her. The entire time she was upfront and honest about everything and her feelings, and didn't play games. She just wasn't in the right space for her to feel right for dating/being with me, and that's ok.
It sucks, I'm in pain, and honestly this took so much out of me I don't want to date ever again and I'll stick with it. She's an awesome person though and over time I hope I can keep contact with her and just like actually be a friend. Really just ask her for recipe ideas and share shit news about our jobs.
But yep. That's it. No happy ending.
tl;dr: It didn't work out. She wasn't in the right space to date. And it was a case of me being into her more than her being to me. Didn't like me enough to continue. So oh well.
Posted Aug 31, 2020, 2:58 PM UTC
Sounds like the last date may have been your last chance. I mean, setting it up at your house probably made her feel like you were expecting sex. Maybe she felt that pressure, as it sounds like it had been planned for a while.
It sounds like you read her body language right, but got the date idea wrong. I mean, was fixing the lazy Susan really so important in that moment?
You probably would've had more success just driving somewhere, listening to music, ordering take out and having a picnic. I dunno man... Sounds like she's busy, she made time for you, and it just wasn't there. It sucks bruh, but probably best to move on, as it seems like you have a lot going for you.
Oh yeah I’m definitely moving on. She admitted she just wasn’t in the right space for it.
She wanted to see my house and was pushing to see it and see how I planned to decorate it, etc.
We both planned it, and she was excited. It seemed like more external factors for it.
The lazy Susan door hinge wasn’t a Long thing. I quit after 15 minutes.
We did the driving around, having food dates, picnic thing. Weather wasn’t great for it. We’re also not big on take out and are both fans of cooking so yeah.
She's also the way more sexually open and forward person, in that we talked about sex openly and our pasts and what not. I only had sex with one person, dealt with some sexual assault stuff.. but we were talking and open and felt it would happen. But her work stress and genuine lack of work/life balance I could tell was affecting her. Like I said, she's been nothing but honest and I have no reason to doubt her. Sucks I couldn't be someone to alleviate that stress and be relaxing, but it's also like the dating thing. So it sucks, but it is what it is.
It’s a real bummer.
Yeah man, that's a bummer. That's a hard one to but if she really wants to see you again, she will make the effort.
I've been there where it's hard to understand why you have such strong feelings for someone you were just getting ready to know. It's like you can see potential, but it just fizzles through no fault of your own. Maybe, like the other person said she was waiting for you to make a stronger move, but it sounds like you read her correctly.
Yeah. I wish the best for her and what not, but I'm not holding out hope or expecting anything or think she'll come back and make the effort. I got in a bad habit of that in HS and college with girls I liked, and it led to some major pain.
So if I ever have like food and recipe questions, or dumb work stories I'll hit her up. Not anytime soon. It's not like a ghost and let's not keep contact. It just didn't work out.