spinning around me
you pull the thread worn
and I unravel
until I am a mess of string
strewn on the grass
loose and lovelorn
but you weave me again
into your own flesh
and I know then
I am content
to hold you forever
Posted Sep 1, 2020, 4:50 AM UTC
In order to understand this poem I first visualised it. 2 people in love. The person you are waiting for you to text back, casually unravels this long red yarn that you hold. I really love the phrase "loose and lovelorn" for the 2 words really correspond to each other apart from the alliteration. While waiting for the reply one feels completely vulnerable in the hands of the loved one because for the moment our happiness depends solely on their response. This particular state of mind is very nicely depicted by your choice of words "mess" , "unravel" , "strewn" , "loose and lovelorn."
I do feel however that there is space for more rhyme. The ending feels a tad bit abrupt which might not be if it rhymed.
Kudos to this random, poetic thought !
Ok, so the other commenters mentioned something about your rhythm and rhyme being off. And I don't know, I kind of liked it. Asyncopation is one of my favorite things because it sets a tone. Sure, this is just a random thought. How many people have rhythm in their thoughts?
Especially when it comes to someone you're into, if that makes the slightest sense. I know when I get caught up in dreaming about someone I'm most definitely simping over, I jump around in my brain about what could be. So that said, I like the deconstructed rhythm and the lack of rhyme. It trades out the "refined" look for something more genuine, IMO.
This poem is beautiful! It illustrates that feeling when you are left on read, hoping for a reply. Thank you for putting into words that vulnerable feeling. I loved the last bit because you used the word forever and to me that speaks to thar desire many have for infinite love. It allows for the reader to feel thar "ahhh is all right in this world", even if its just because this other person feels content. Thank you for sharing this well done poem.
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I really like how simple yet meaningful this poem is. The metaphor, the unravelling of the thread into a mess and then sewing it back into her really represents accurately the rollercoaster one feels.
I think it’s great, it’s simple, it gets the point across I love the message, personally speaking I think it could’ve use some more rhythm but I also think to the beat of ACDC so don’t take my word as law.