Source
r/OCPoetry•
sorrimnitsua

I wish for you

I wish I was leaving Haikus on your dashboard. I wish I was texting you things I found funny. I wish I was blowing straw rappers at you.

I wish that I’d been funnier

I wish I could read your poems. I wish I could tell you about my day. I wish I could watch you take a sip of coffee.

I wish that I’d been gentler.

I wish I could taste your lips. I wish I could wrap my arms around your waste. I wish I could run my fingers across your breasts.

I wish you thought about me.

I wish I could drape a rainbow across your shoulders. I wish I could forge you a crown of stars. I wish I could lay you down on a bed of wind.

I wish that I’d been enough.

I wish I remember the way you smelled. I wish I could remember the sound of your voice. I wish I could remember feel of your hair.

I wish that you’d realized that I was more than enough.

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Posted Sep 4, 2020, 9:48 PM UTC · edited

32
professional_giraffe•

I like the format, the longer lines seem like a stream of consciousness , quick and rapid thoughts, followed by the short lines that are more of a staccato, a thought out and more solemn conclusion.

In that sense, the only thing I find off is the ending, there's too many syllables for the rhythm to stay the same, unless you meant to take away the rhythm at that part.

Overall it makes me think of the relationship being described, the people involved, and how they each feel. It gives reasons for the feelings, and the whole is very descriptive. Good job.

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heyitsemmmma•

I looove the first line. I think the juxtaposition between the haiku and the dashboard captures the overall tone of the poem. Also, the structure is a good mix of unique and repetitive. However, I think the solo lines could better summarize the trios. I think the lines in the trios could be more cohesive. Overall, great work!!

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