Source
r/JustNoTalk•
weirdcc

DH's Aunt laying on the guilt trip hard

Family

To start, we have been no contact with my husband's parents for about 9 months now. It has been very good for D(ear)H's mental health.

DH got a message from his Aunt today (his dad's sister) that told him his grandma is having a health crisis. It is not immediately the end but she is struggling. DH debated on responding at all and settled for a simple message saying that this sucks and he wishes he could see his grandma but it would be a shitty time to see his parents.

DH's aunt has sent quite a few messages now that are full on overtly guilt tripping him. Starting with now is the best time, everyone wants him in their lives, she wishes it won't be at grandma's funeral, and ending (at the moment) with pictures of DH with his grandparents.

So far he hasn't responded to the guilt trips. The messages are through facebook messenger so DH's Aunt knows he has seen them. My thought is reading and not responding is a message by itself. However, I worry that she just will not stop without a response.

We can't go see his grandma in secret because she and grandpa are staying at DH's parents house. I just would like some advice on what to do. My impulse is to send DH's aunt a message myself to tell her to stop but I know logically that is probably a bad idea.

Posted Sep 6, 2020, 4:08 AM UTC

7118
katidid•

Ask his aunt if she’d be willing to bring his grandma to a neutral place (restaurant? aunt’s home?) for them to visit without DH’s parents, assuming grandma is well enough and is willing. If grandma is able but aunt doesn’t want to help, is there another person who could, like a pastor or close neighbor/friend? In other words, if possible don’t let meddling people write the narrative if avoidable. If aunt says DH absolutely must go through her, call her out on that! Because then it’s clear aunt is the controlling, manipulating person whose agenda is NOT in grandma’s interest, she’s fucking with your DH for her own purposes.

29
weirdccOP•

Sadly she is not well enough to travel anywhere without a massive amount of pain.

6
MissSpinster1980•

You can block her, but I doubt it will work.

Just don't read and respond.

If you want contact with the grandparents send them an oldfashioned letter.

10
weirdccOP•

The grandparents are staying with DH's parents so any letters will be intercepted by them.

6
Havinatimeoverhere•

Worst case scenario can you video chat? I'm really sorry everything is happening.

6
weirdccOP•

They are at DH's parents house. With the way Aunt was guilt tripping we would end up with DH's parents on the video chat to force contact.

8
Havinatimeoverhere•

I wish there was someone neutral that could do that for you guys. I know sometimes there's no way around it but can you have a conversation with her and tell her you would like to video call but in that conversation there can not be any guilt tripping or stress from his parents. That now isn't the time for that and it's about the grandmother. If she has any reasonable bone in her body she might understand that and do that for your dh. I wouldn't even respond to what all she said because for a 3rd party to guilt trip you that's wrong. She could have probably asked why you guys weren't speaking with mil and then heard your side to keep it fair. If you can grey rock through the guilt tripping and stay focused on "we would like to video call with grandmother without discussing the other. It doesn't have anything to do with grandmother and it is important we speak to her since her health is not well. This is for grandmother." Really stay on point, if she derails do not take the bait. Be a broken record. "This isn't the time to discuss mil." If she doesn't want to help you tell her thank you for letting you know about her health and that you wish you could have had a chance to video call her but since that isn't possible the conversation is over. It might work, it might not but there's nothing to lose trying at this point.

6
weirdccOP•

This sounds like a good idea. I will run it by DH and see how he feels. Thank you.

5
rusty0123She/Her•

I would probably take it in a different direction than that. If you spend all that time explaining to aunt, you are essentially acknowledging that she deserves a seat at the table when it comes to your relationship with DH's parents.

Instead, I'd simply tell her that you would love to video chat with grandmother, but you are not comfortable with DH's parents. If aunt can set up the chat alone with grandmother that would be great. Then...don't argue, don't explain, don't justify, don't defend. Just gray rock until she agrees or stops bothering you.

Now that you've firmly explained (not justified) your boundaries, if aunt sets up the video chat then enforcing the restrictions are on her. If DH's parents get into the chat, simply sever the connection.

--If you have to sever the connection, you could send a short message to grandmother afterwards, like "So glad we got to see you today. Sorry it wasn't longer. blah, blah, blah..."

7
PinkBlackandBlue•

Piggybacking on video chat idea:

I would have you as the front person on the your video screen or turn off your camera if gramma’s camera gets pulled away from her or if DH’s parents showed up on camera with grandma.

DH doesn’t need to be retraumatized by having to interact with his parents. Don’t give DH’s parents what they want; directly communicating with DH.

Like the other commenter said: Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Logic doesn’t work on toxic manipulative people. Only shame works and sharing your honest story with others it the best way to do this.

If you get them to feel like they are the bad guy for not letting your HD have an uninterrupted video chat they are likely to comply or tell raging lies to others that HD hates gramma for not visiting in person.

Don’t let them control the narrative if you still are in contact with people who are in contact with DH’s parents. Otherwise it don’t matter.

Aunt sounds like she is a “Flying Monkey”. The manipulative tactic of Triangulation has three parts; a “Flying Monkey”, an abuser, and a victim. Aunt might have her own malicious intent or is unaware she is being used as a pawn.

Sending my best wishes to your DH! It’s not fare that his grandma is being used as a tool to get DH’s parents back in his life. No one deserves to be put in such a situation.

2
exscapegoat•

That's a rough situation. My suggestion is to stay out of it and let your husband handle it. Though I understand it's hard seeing him in pain and it's natural to want to help.

3
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1
pgraham901•

Is there anyway the family would be willing to help by setting up a video call with grandma and DH???

1
weirdccOP•

DH's Aunt has been the most reasonable so far (everyone else has taken his parents "side") and after her guilt trips I'm not sure we can trust it would just be the grandparents.

4
pgraham901•

I understand. This really blows big dick donkey balls.

2
SensibleSuzi•

Tell aunt to call when she can arrange a FaceTime between only grandma and dh, ensure the others are out and GUARANTEE that they’ll be the only ones there. Until then, sorry, not sorry.

1
lovemesomeapples•

Sometimes there ending relationships with family means losing other valuable relationships, in this case that may be the grandparents. From what you've said thus far, the Aunt may attempt to set your husband up to see his parents if he does do a video chat with grandma.

1
DirtyBoots_1990•

This must be a very difficult situation for your DH. Good luck with how you choose to handle this.

You already have some great advice. I'd like to add, if DH does want to respond to Aunt, to keep it short and redirect her away from discussing any kind of reconciliation, or meeting with DH's parents.

"That is between my parents and I. - I respectfully ask you to leave this for my parents and I to sort out."

Just hit repeat on that. It is polite I believe and lets her know she has no place in fixing that relationship.

1