[1508] Soul Catcher: Chapter Two: Olivia

So this is going to be an odd critique because I think you have a rather unique issue, but bear with me:

Traditionally in film, scenes would start with an establishing shot, move into a medium where the focus is more defined, then could finally bring it into the closeup. This process has been toyed with in countless ways in the medium, sometimes starting with a closeup to grab the viewers attention, etc, but one truth always remained: you have to build into what you want to focus on.

And I think that's the consistent problem I felt while reading this, not just in narrative establishment, but in tone as well. Even on the first page with Olivia, you would move from what would be the equivalent of a close up (more personalized and detailed) out to something establishing and basic (the weather, the surroundings), and back and forth and back and forth.

It's not so much that I couldn't get a feel of space, but I couldn't get a feel of intention. You also do this a bit with tone, shifting quite dramatically from very gentle and subtle atmospheric moments to flatout

a wisp of decaying flesh wafted around me and then quickly dissipated when I sat up.

That being said, much of what you created was quite good, and it would be wrong not to acknowledge that. While your dialogue is a bit A-B-A-B (back and forth mechanically without much action between), the dialogue itself is smooth and feels exceptionally natural, which is a great skill.

Additionally, lines like

Just a glimpse of a mangled corpse wearing shreds of black silk, standing in the middle of the crowd. And just like that, it was gone.

are genuinely well written. Seriously, you do have a good knack for prose here and there, but the structure behind them needs a bit of work in regards to how they're laid out, what you're focusing on, and how you transition between them. I'm certainly intrigued where you can take this piece.

I'm pretty sure you should cut the whole dream, but more on that later.

Strong winds swung the trees suddenly until -

Choose verbs carefully, swung doesn't fit. When you swing something, you hold one end and move the other through the air, or you impose movement on something suspended. The wind is not doing that. It's the wrong kind of movement, and not right for the tone since it makes me think of a handbag on my arm. Wind can whip or thrash, bend trees, rip through trees, bowl over, etc. Consider: "Strong winds ripped the trees sideways, until-" Another problem is the placement of suddenly. You're either trying to describe how the wind came up, or how the "until" part happens. Either way, "suddenly" is not clear. But also, it's stronger if you cut "suddenly" altogether.

In a woods.

This doesn't grammatically work. I think you mean these are woods unknown to the MC, but this doesn't do that. I'd cut it and go straight to how MC doesn't recognize anything. Another option is to change it to "In some woods." It gets uncertainty across while agreeing grammatically.

I quickly looked down.

Take a full revision pass to check each adverb, see if you can cut them by picking a better verb. For example, "quickly looked" becomes "glanced." It seems tiny, but it makes sentences stronger.

filling the ground like snow.

Verb choice. Snow doesn't "fill" the ground, it "covers" the ground, blankets, etc.

Lightning struck again, shooting towards...

Again, verb choice. We don't think of lightning shooting, we think of it striking, arcing, flashing. And it does in fact hit the tree, so It's not just towards. Consider: Lightning flashed again, striking a large tree ahead of me and splitting its trunk down the middle. Your "piercing" and "splintering" bit is nice (those are some well-chosen verbs), but the fewer words you use here will give this more action and immediacy.

A spiderweb of burnt wood spread out from the split, still glowing from the heat.

The order of this obscures the meaning by putting the emphasis on "spiderweb." Consider: Burnt wood spread from the split in a spiderweb, still glowing from the heat. Then try one more step by zeroing in on word choices. Burnt wood that's glowing hot, to me says "embers." They spread in a spiderweb pattern, to me says "radiate" which has the added bonus of evoking heat transfer. Therefore: Glowing embers radiated from the split in a spiderweb of heat. There are many ways to revise this sentence, but putting the burnt wood/embers first will be stronger.

Black silk peaked from the mud

More verb choice. Peeking (not peaking) out implies something concealed being spotted, and is passive (the silk peeks out, but who does the spotting?). You need a verb with encroaching movement like "crept" or "slithered." Btw, what form does the silk take? Is it a silk cord, banner, sheet... Consider: Long sheets of black silk slithered through the mud and around my ankles, creeping higher...

I wildly turned my head, hallucinating people...

Try revising "wildly turned" into a single verb, as with "quickly looked." Also, "hallucinating" feels clunky/ambiguous here (and redundant since you go on to say "they weren't there"). Consider: I whirled around, seeing people where the shadows hit just right, but they were gone in the next moment. Next level: I whirled, catching glimpses of people in the shadows that vanished the next moment.

The black silk wrapped around my waist, pinning my arms to my side.

Silk wrapping around the waist doesn't fully connect to arms getting pinned. It implies a visual of a belt/skirt once you specify "waist." Consider: The black silk wrapped around my middle, pinning my arms to my side.

Its hair was mangled around its face

Hair is not usually mangled. Mangled means damaged, mutilated, disfigured, torn apart, or crushed. Flesh or a totalled car can be mangled. Hair is tangled, or maybe matted.

The black silk wrapped around it wasn’t as restraining as it was for me. It hung...

These 2 lines beg for a descriptive comparison. Consider: More black silk wrapped around it, but like a soft robe flowing towards me instead of my constraining straight jacket.

It then leaned towards me

Subject-"then"-verb is extremely common in colloquial speech. It almost always weakens narrative writing. If you MUST use "then," put it first: "Then, it leaned..." with or without the comma. But honestly, try taking out "then" altogether. If it makes sense without it, leave it out.

making me gag but I didn’t dare move.

As written, this is contradictory. The word "but" tells me you understand gagging involves movement. Consider: ...a putrid smell filled my nostrils. I wanted to gag, but didn't dare move.

...bony fingers grazed my wrist and clamped down on it.

"Grazed" and "clamped" clash here since "graze" implies a light or inadvertant contact followed by separating. Consider: ...bony fingers circled my wrist and clamped down. ("On it" is also unnecessary.)

And this is where we see it was all a dream sequence. I hope you apply my previous revision comments to the rest of your draft, but please: cut this dream sequence entirely. After we get to know Olivia better, you can show us her dream. Your first 4 chapters will each introduce one MC. Treat them like each one is the only first chapter of the book, and therefore shouldn't start with clichés like: dreaming, waking up, driving, morning routine, the weather, flashbacks, or other novel openings we've all been told to avoid. This even combines dreaming and driving clichés. I'm not here to tell you how to start your book. Just to tell you how many agents, editors, publishers, and readers will roll their eyes over any of these as intros.

“What is with you these days?”

This implies mom has no idea what could be wrong. It's not what you want, given that mom's next line shows she knows what stuff her kid is dealing with. Consider: "How are you holding up, these days?"

We were moving back to my hometown after several years in Colorado...

This paragraph repeats the same idea 3 different ways. And then Olivia and mom each individually "suggesting" in the same sentence is clunky. Consider: We were moving back home to Hopedale, Maine after several years in Colorado trying to make it work with mom's fiancé, Gary. It did not work. But at least Hopedale would be familiar, so I didn't mind moving again.

And you were just so...different when you found out. It really messed you up.

Context tells us who says this, but formatting makes it look like it's the mom. Bump it to the start of the next paragraph, and "I shook my head" can help tag both lines. Then it becomes clear you need an explicit pause, instead of a paragraph break. Consider: "And you were just so...different when you found out. It really messed you up." I paused, and shook my head, "No, we need..." Instead of pausing, Olivia could note her mom's reaction or the silent moment, like: Mom flinched but didn't comment, and I shook my head, "No..."

You just seem a little under the weather this time.

This time, opposed to what? I assume you're referring to moving out there in the first place, but that doesn't feel like a natural comparison to make (unless they're a military family that moves a lot and this was the ONE time Olivia got mopey).

The only boy I left behind was Buster and I kind of got used to humping everyone’s leg.

Something is missing in this sentence because it sounds like Olivia is doing the humping. Maybe: The only boy I left behind was Buster and I barely got used to him humping my leg. (Since she's claiming she didn't leave anyone special behind, it needs to personally demonstrate her ambivalence. "Kind of got used to" makes it sound like the dog was annoying, but he's grown on her and now she wants to keep him. "Barely" makes it clear she's cool walking away. Or if she's being really snarky, "The only boy I left behind was Buster, who's not much of a boyfriend unless you count humping my leg.”)

There must’ve been an event, I wondered. 

Wrong tense, the event is ongoing since cars are still waiting to get in. And she's not wondering, she's declaring. There must. Wondering would be, "Maybe there's an event?" Consider: There must be an event, I thought. But remember we're in your MC's head, so you don't have to specify "I thought." We're watching them do it from their POV, so unless it's something very specific (like something they wish they could say out loud but don't) you can leave it untagged. Therefore: There must be a big event.

Overall: you're on the right track, you've put work in and it shows. You have the bones of a good story, but some rough spots to polish. Be proud, it's fine tuning time. I didn't hit everything, but tried to cover things you can apply generally on your next revision.  Precision line edits take practice, but no one's immune. Take it line by line, simplify sentences, check verbs, delete adverbs. Tighten it some more. Then let it sit, your brain will keep working on it in the background, and when you come back in a week or a month you'll see more edits.

If your whole ms draft looks like this, you're in good shape. And I think you have something I'd keep reading. I wish we got more of Olivia's voice, the tone feels detached/analytical in spots. I suspect this will resolve itself as you keep writing through and you'll see the difference when you do final revisions. With 4 MCs intro'd in 1st person POV, we need to have a strong feeling for them immediately. There's flavor in the dialogue with her mom, but we need a lot more throughout. All the more reason to cut the dream so we can get to know her better first.

ETA: Cutting the dream makes the corpse in the crowd even more compelling. Then next Olivia chapter, she can fill us in on the recurring dream.