Source
r/OCPoetry•
Inevitabilit3a

If Wanting were itself enough

If Wanting were itself enough,
Beside my roughened hands I’d find
A second pair, set toiling where—
Apart—endure my heart and mind:

 

Another Atlas, as it were,
My burdens shouldered, shared betwixt—
Hope buoyed as my boulder, on
The mountaintop our gaze affixed.

 

But Wanting is the whim of one,
And shall—perforce—fall short of all
It seeks, for seeking dims Her course:
Fate foreordained must needs forestall.

 

Yet still I cannot win release
From futile, human, grasping Want—
I fear that honest mirror less
Than cold Indifference does daunt.

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Posted Sep 14, 2020, 7:32 PM UTC

66
maxvalley•

I love the first three lines. The fourth line kind of felt like it was there to rhyme more than to say something. I’d love it if you could find a fourth line that had as much power and meaning as the first three

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Inevitabilit3aOP•

Thanks for the feedback! I do agree that line was shoe-horned in there more-so than the others.

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ursula_the_alien•

well someone once told me rhyming poetry is dead. you have proven them wrong...I love the selection of words here as you masterfully rhyme through this concept. I was fully with the whole thing until the last line...that line left me wanting a solution to the rhythm that felt off a bit but maybe that is just me not reading it correctly. All in all, very much enjoyed.

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Inevitabilit3aOP•

It's somewhat intentional! All of the other lines have really easy, flowing trochees (short long, short long, short long, short long). That last line changes the meter (short long, short short short short, long long -> probably how your brain hears it), which can signal a change in thought or feeling. It is annoying to end a poem with tension, but shows the discomfort with "Indifference" in addition to telling. I'll think of other ways to poke around though! Thank you for reading :D

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lovelygum•

What you have said here would go over a lot of people’s heads if they just read and scrolled past. I had to spend some time with this poem before I was able to understand, and appreciate it.. which is inherent to its true poetic and profound nature. “Wanting is the whim of one..” you speak of a truth about existence and how it is experienced in an inescapable solitude. The awareness of the wanting does not stop the wanting from happening. What a pickle we’re in huh 🥴

Edit: changed ‘passed’ to ‘past’ facepalm

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lovelygum•

Btw am not commenting because I’m looking to post an OC poem as well.. just genuinely appreciate this poem x

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