We rose and fell,
We laughed and cried,
We were like brothers,
You and I.
Yet in my time of greatest need,
You opened up a bleed,
Leaving me in agony,
In my mental disharmony.
I see now, I committed a mistake,
I see that our friendship was fake.
Yet even as you sit in your safe, protected bubble,
It is I, who has risen above the rubble.
Posted Sep 16, 2020, 6:37 AM UTC
The disharmony is really well done because that is where the structured rhyming stops and I think thats a cool way of being literal and metaphorical at the same time. It's like the poem is breaking down as you do.
This is honestly so beautiful. The emotion you express here comes from a very real place, and while the rhymes, like another commenter mentioned, aren't mind-blowing, I don't think there was a need for them to be. You put your idea and perspective out there very well, and those last two lines were like the cherry on top. The title feels very appropriate, too. I love this, and I thank you for sharing it.
I really enjoy the transitions from the nostalgic and structured early verses to the sort of broken down tone later. The rhymes at the end are very obvious but it serves the bluntness.
Justifies the title. It's so sad yet beautiful. The powerful words have life to the pain and suffer beautifully 🥺
Honestly, this one kinda hits me where I live a bit. Even if the rhymes used here aren't exactly original, the emotions captured here are still very honest, and appropriately blunt, and enjoy the surprising amount of storytelling you were able to efficiently incorporate into such a comparatively short poem, effectively telling a tale of a broken friendship, and the eventual, but painful recovery that comes at the very end of it.
Great job.
thank you!